This is hard

5 months ago, yesterday, I lost my sister in a shooting that happened on December 2nd. Though I don't want to grab any media attention on here I'm not going to say any names. Or exact places. Though it took place in California. I still remember the night I heard. I was sitting in my room with my boyfriend watching the walking dead while he was eating the soup I had made him since he was sick. My mom was downstairs worrying about my older sister because someone had called saying watch the news. The news was on showing video clips of a home and four bodies being carried away... I told my mom don't worry about it, she's fine mom, she is always okay. I went on the computer to do more research on it and it said they were all Asian, so I said of course it's not her we are only half and she barely looks it anyways! Then I let to if it. Later that night my mom was really freakin out because someone called saying they think something happened to my sister. My mom and I and my da were just watching the news in worry, still I didn't believe it was her. My mom was sitting there quiet thinking about if it were her. A little part of me inside was scared. The phone rang and it was my sisters dad(we have different dads) my mom said you answer it I don't want to. So as I picked up the phone I knew from the crying on the other line that she was gone. My sister was gone. I dropped to the floor and cried so hard like a part of me had died as well. I gave the phone to my mom and my whole house started crying my sisters, my dad, my mom, my boyfriend. Crying so uncontrollably. Til this day I can't stop crying... I just.. I miss her so much. I can't stop thinking about her. She has a 1 year old baby, who I take care of now with my family but mostly me and my mom who take care of her. I'm only a freshman in college so I'm dealing with that as well.... I look at her baby girl everyday and just see my sister in her. I wish my sister could see how much she's beginning to look like her.... I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe I will never see her again. I can't believe i will never hear her voice again... Why did she have to go? Why now? Especially with her baby only being 1? I have so many answers and wish someone could just answer them. Why does everyone say everything happens for a reason, when this kind of things shouldn't!? What the hell is wrong with the world and why are so many people dying. Why are games like COD so enjoyable when all you do is chase around men and shoot them. I never in a million years would hav thought it was my sister who would pass away so early, I thought these kind of things only happened in the movies. My heart has this pain I have never felt before. A pain I know I will never be able to heal. There's a space that could never be filled. She left her baby behind, and she's the only thing keeping me same right now, she's my everyday light. I am so numb and hearbroken. I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do? I try to roam to her I want a sign or something that will show me she's here watching over me. I still have we number in my phone and texts saved, it's so hard to resist the urge to just call her and tell her what a great joke she played. I went to her viewing an I have never felt her so cold. She was so pale. I hate to think about her laying there lifeless. All I remember is her smile and laugh and the way she took thing so un seriously. She may not have done so well academically but through it all, I still somehow looked up to her. Everyone loved her. She was beautiful. One day big sis, ill see you again.

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May 04, 2013
This is hard
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. It is such a shock to find out that one of your siblings has died. It is a devastating moment. When the reality hits is the worst experience. For most of us we go numb immediately. This is natures way of cushioning the full impact for us rather like having shock absorbers.
If one can sob and cry and cry immediately this is good grief. But for some of us this deep expression of grief is delayed and we feel this in waves.
It does feel as if the world has gone mad. More and more people are dying so fast it is frightening. 1yr. ago tomorrow Sunday My precious husband of 44yrs. died of his deadly cancer (Industrial disease.) But today Saturday is the day he died. I remember my youngest daughter taking the day off work and not realising this was her fathers last day on earth. My husband was in severe pain. I was screaming down the phone for someone to come and give my husband an injection for the cancer pain. It took them 3hrs. they had to finish clinic first. My husband put his arm around my neck and pulled my head down to his. He couldn't talk. I realised later that this was him saying good-bye to me. This moment will be etched into my mind and heart forever. A most precious man that was hard to lose from my life and the world. I still can't believe he is gone. memories come back where I need him. I want him back. I can't bear my loss. It is crippling. My whole body has been in severe physical pain and I can't explain it. I can't get rid of this pain even on a good day when I am O.K.
You said that some people say to you that "Everything happens for the best" this statement is used inappropriately. Sometimes this may be the case. How can someone dying in suspicious circumstances, or being murdered, or being beaten up. Having cancer etc. be for the best. Death is never for the best because God never designed us to die. Sin caused this. God says DEATH is an enemy and this will be the last enemy to be destroyed forever so death can't be for the best. It will happen because we live and we die in this world. But it is never a good experience. The pain of Grief and sorrow is never a good feeling. If people don't know what to say. It is wise to say nothing. If we could take a pill for the pain of grief I guess we would all overdose on these pills because the pain of grief is so severe it is unbearable.
I am sorry for your Loss. May you all as a family come together and support everyone as best as you can. May God comfort you all and bring you Peace in your loss.

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