This is so hard

I sit here & watch my Grandsons out in the back yard & think of their dad, (my son) & what he is missing. The days turned into weeks & the weeks into months but I still grief the loss of my son. I still have a lot first's coming up, not looking forward to it. I wish I could wave a magic wand & bring him back.

Suicide is such a hard death to comprehend. It doesn't matter what you read or what people say it is still so hard to imagine my son in so much emotional pain that he ended his life. I'm sure he didn't realize he would end his families too. Life takes on a whole different meaning, I find myself taking my anger out on people who don't understand, I find I isolated myself from friends who don't understand, I also find I can be very lonely even in a room full of people. I don't have the patience or the energy it takes to pretend I am ok. I will never be ok. Ok or great was when my entire family was intact. There will also be a hole where my son is suppose to be.