This is wrong
It has been 885 days since John was taken from me. But, who is counting, right. I have mentioned before on here that I have systemic immune system failure that is basically Lupus and RA at the same time. Sometimes it is hard to wear my wedding rings, but John even got me a ring that is a little bigger to wear when I hurt. He was an old-fashioned guy and he wanted to be sure that everybody knew we were together. Today is Wednesday, and I realized this morning that I did not have my rings on. There was no kiss and hug before I left, no morning ritual, my rings are on the dresser with his in the dish and they have been all week. This is wrong; this is not the way it is supposed to be. How can I forget them, I always feel naked without them, I do not want this, I do not want to settle into this. I am his wife, I have not changed my mind, I have not chosen to move on, I am his wife until the day I die. I was outside when I looked at my hand and I actually started to go back in, but the dogs were put up and as any of you with dogs know, when you come in two seconds after you left . you might as well have been gone all day, I did not want them to wake my son in law so I decided to go on and get in my truck and drive to work.
So anyway, I am driving down the road and there were flocks of geese beginning to fly. I always count the geese because they mate for life, so if you see a flock with only one the mate has died. They will maintain with their flock but they are always alone. I saw this one flying on the outside of his flock, he was helping to lead and moving in and out, and then I realized he was alone. And I wept, not cried I wept. That goose and I we are not supposed to be alone, our mates are supposed to be with us, so instead we find a new place in the flock, sometimes in front sometimes behind, but always alone.
This is not right, I am supposed to feel naked without my rings, John is supposed to be here, and he and I are supposed to be planting roses, trees, and his lemon tree.
I have one you know, a lemon tree. John said it was the first thing he wanted to plant was a lemon tree; he said he would know he was home. But that was in savannah so I have a lemon tree in a pot that I carefully moved from outside to inside because I am in Maryland, I could not live in the house we had picked out and were building together. I could not even stay in the same State, I am here with my children in Maryland, and while this was a wise choice, wisdom had nothing to do with it, I ran as far and fast from my pain as I could. At 885 days I can assure you, you do not run from grief, it is with you no matter what.
How does this happen, why did I have to count the stupid geese, why does it feel like it did on day one. I begged him to come back this morning I have not done that in a long time. I do not understand this I will never understand this. How can my John be gone. I still turn over and reach for him. I still sprinkle some of his cologne on the bed so it smells like he was there, and his shirt is still on his side of the bed.
John died 885 days ago and today was like it was in the beginning, grief is not a straight line, and I have been tossed back like I have made no progress at all
,I cannot do this alone, I do not want to.
One breath One step. One day at a time. .