This is wrong

by zoe
(maryland )

It has been 885 days since John was taken from me. But, who is counting, right. I have mentioned before on here that I have systemic immune system failure that is basically Lupus and RA at the same time. Sometimes it is hard to wear my wedding rings, but John even got me a ring that is a little bigger to wear when I hurt. He was an old-fashioned guy and he wanted to be sure that everybody knew we were together. Today is Wednesday, and I realized this morning that I did not have my rings on. There was no kiss and hug before I left, no morning ritual, my rings are on the dresser with his in the dish and they have been all week. This is wrong; this is not the way it is supposed to be. How can I forget them, I always feel naked without them, I do not want this, I do not want to settle into this. I am his wife, I have not changed my mind, I have not chosen to move on, I am his wife until the day I die. I was outside when I looked at my hand and I actually started to go back in, but the dogs were put up and as any of you with dogs know, when you come in two seconds after you left . you might as well have been gone all day, I did not want them to wake my son in law so I decided to go on and get in my truck and drive to work.
So anyway, I am driving down the road and there were flocks of geese beginning to fly. I always count the geese because they mate for life, so if you see a flock with only one the mate has died. They will maintain with their flock but they are always alone. I saw this one flying on the outside of his flock, he was helping to lead and moving in and out, and then I realized he was alone. And I wept, not cried I wept. That goose and I we are not supposed to be alone, our mates are supposed to be with us, so instead we find a new place in the flock, sometimes in front sometimes behind, but always alone.
This is not right, I am supposed to feel naked without my rings, John is supposed to be here, and he and I are supposed to be planting roses, trees, and his lemon tree.
I have one you know, a lemon tree. John said it was the first thing he wanted to plant was a lemon tree; he said he would know he was home. But that was in savannah so I have a lemon tree in a pot that I carefully moved from outside to inside because I am in Maryland, I could not live in the house we had picked out and were building together. I could not even stay in the same State, I am here with my children in Maryland, and while this was a wise choice, wisdom had nothing to do with it, I ran as far and fast from my pain as I could. At 885 days I can assure you, you do not run from grief, it is with you no matter what.
How does this happen, why did I have to count the stupid geese, why does it feel like it did on day one. I begged him to come back this morning I have not done that in a long time. I do not understand this I will never understand this. How can my John be gone. I still turn over and reach for him. I still sprinkle some of his cologne on the bed so it smells like he was there, and his shirt is still on his side of the bed.
John died 885 days ago and today was like it was in the beginning, grief is not a straight line, and I have been tossed back like I have made no progress at all
,I cannot do this alone, I do not want to.
One breath One step. One day at a time. .

Comments for This is wrong

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Aug 25, 2012
Lemon Tree
by: Alan

I'm so sorry for your loss, Zoe.
My beautiful wife, Donna, passed last December.
Your post moved me. I have an orange tree that's about thirty years old. My wife and I started it from seeds and I now am responsible for it. I live in a second floor apartment and needless to say it's about 4 feet tall and I'm not getting any younger. I bring it outside every summer. Every year I'd curse and complain how heavy it was.

This past year I didn't complain so much. Along with the orange tree, I take care of 28 house plants. I think she'd be proud of me.........

May we all find the strength to carry on.

Aug 24, 2012
Not wrong, just life
by: Judy

Zoe,

You are not alone in having these flashes of unreasonable longing and grief sweeping in out of nowhere. Not so frequently now but I still have episodes of just wanting Barry to come back, or just come to me even for a minute. A precious minute with him again.

I have tried hard to move on. I finally took my rings off when I realized wearing them didn't make him be there. I cried that day and the day I took his voice off the message machine. I'm crying now. I miss my darling so much. But rings or voice messages or taking a whiff of his cologne occasionally didn't bring him back. We just have to keep on living in the best way we can do it. With rings, without rings he's always there in our heart. Always will be

I admire your decision to relocate even if it felt like you to be running. I want to run somewhere myself. I don't think I will ever be truly healed from this loss as long as I live in the same house and sleep in the same bed we shared. It's taken me almost three years to recover enough and gather enough emotional strength to begin planning a move. I wish I had ran off blindly in the beginning instead of letting my practical side rule. Instead I stood here and tried to take grief head on. I don't know if I am better or worse for it.

Nothing is wrong Zoe, life is just taking you along.

Plodding along beside you,

JM



Aug 23, 2012
This is wrong
by: Doreen U.K.

Zoe I am sorry for your loss of your dear husband. Grief is AWFULL. PAINFULL. Hard to live with even on a daily basis. My husband Steve and I were married 44yrs. He died of cancer 14 weeks ago. You are right you can't run from GRIEF. It follows you wherever you go. It happens to us almost automatically. We don't have to think about Grief. We wear it like a necklace. The
lonliness, and isolation are the worst aspects of our grief journey. God created woman for man. So how are we supposed to live on our own. It is not natural. We weren't meant to live in isolation. Yet with Grief, even if we are surrounded by people we still have this lonliness and emptiness within. It becomes part of our DNA. If you feel that you are not making any progress at all maybe the help of a grief counsellor may be beneficial to you. Perhaps you are STUCK in GRIEF. and just need the help of a professional to help your grief move beyond the pain to Healing. I wish you all the best in the days ahead and hope that you are surrounded by loving and supportive people to help you cope with the GRIEF.

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