This New Life (sucks)

by HH
(The South)

Hello once again fence. I say that because I lean on this site heavily as of late. It is a damn shame that I need to go here for healing. That I somehow feel that all have abandoned my grief.

This year mark coming up somehow is an exquisite pain and loneliness that I have yet to feel and I force myself into change. Hoping that it will allow me to tuck the memories away just long enough to function with the here and now. Going though the house readying it for company on Thanksgiving a party of 0-10.

Tossing out things that I don't need in some sort of frantic redecorating of my life. Forcing this new life upon myself taking it in like Castor oil. Putrid nasty, but somehow good for you I am told.

If I change my surroundings, My life, rearrange everything will it make it all easier? I do not care for this sink or swim phase. I know that I we all of us mourning the loss of the very person that make us who we are who we became because of them are struggling with this new life dealt to us.

Whether new grief or more mature grief it is a pain in the soul that pokes and prods our heart strings at various intensity.

This quiet desperation, the tears of grief that speak a language that is universal. It is a lonely path as if in a sand trap or quick sand. I know that if I keep my wits about me I can get out. But it is so hard not to flail, to panic and sink lower.

Forward motion one step forward two steps back I will get there, we all will. The new day dawns a new beginning, what we do with it is our choice.

Comments for This New Life (sucks)

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Dec 01, 2010
For Jules
by: Mari

Hi Jules. You are a great source of encouragement. And you were right too. The whole family has missed my husband. The strange thing is that I seldom get angry at anyone but that day for some reason everyone's nerves were on edge.
I can honestly tell you that the memorial brought a lot of healing and I feel more like myself.

A sister at church said that my husband is in heaven helping to get my mansion ready.
The words the pastor spoke too made all the difference in my life.

I am determined to keep going and to be thankful for the years my husband and I shared.
The new baby girl may arrive on Christmas and that will bring joy. My husband loved the little ones so much. God bless you. Together we will make it through. Mari

Nov 28, 2010
This new life
by: Jules

Mari - I feel for you - there seems to be so much misunderstanding - because it is so hard to say what we feel - we are always thinking we can't hurt anyone else. Each of us, partners, children, brothers, sisters, parents are in our own grief and it is hard to relate to others, we all feel it so differently.

We need to talk, openly, about how we felt about our passed love one, it hurts to start, but then the good things start coming, and you can even start to laugh, or at least that is how I am with my kids, and my friends.

Take care, and keep posting.

Nov 28, 2010
New Life Old life

Thanksgiving weekend...Sister-in-law left hours ago and I sit here sighing, after all Sissy was Pauls sister and part of him, what I miss so desperately. I felt a sense of comfort with her here, Yes there were bittersweet memories mixed in but all and all it was a comfortable place I do not get to visit often. It made the weekend...bearable. I remembered all that cooking laughing with all of the Holts around talking like there were no tomorrow. And now the quiet is absolutely deafening. No hustle and bustle just the sound of the washing machine churning cleaning up after the weekend.

There of course is the dread of Christmas right around the corner and I feel that I must ready myself for that as well. Put on a coat of armour knowing that this weekend was the first without Paul but this Christmas is the 2nd and some how that makes it harder. I so get what Jules means when she says being lonely in a room of people.

I Laugh, remember, cook & clean, the perfect hostess, yet inside I am filled with dread. Happy that they are there but knowing damn good and well! that he is not in the picture, nor will be again and that fills me with a strange mixture of acceptance and sorrow.

So going to be starting projects to keep mind and body busy with something to keep grief in my pocket until I am ready to face that hard part.
Reading Love letters, Going through negatives to make albums for the kids. Attacking that last box of hospital bills and awful memories that has sat there for 6 months. I would just throw the whole thing out but suppose there is something in there that I need?

Until I am ready....The pictures/negatives the C.D Sissy made of a compilation of old VHS tapes (the wedding, Christmas 94') will sit. Until I am truly strong enough to view it.

I Hope that you all find the strength to move forward and eventually allow the past to be a wonderful memory instead of a painful one.

Nov 25, 2010
this new life sucks
by: Mari

I HH. I am sorry you are feeling so bad but I feel it is a normal part of grieving. Just take those baby steps and we are here for you too. It just takes time.

The last couple of days were awful for me. I was depressed and hoped no one noticed as I have 3 grandchildren here and daughter from LA. We planned the memorial service already for tomorrow. Now there was a misunderstanding because my grandaughter and I had gone to put flowers on the grave. We prayed and talked to a gentleman who was there too who had lost someone. That was not the actual service. So some family got upset that they had not been invited and I was already depressed and I got mad and said,''When I say Pastor Horacio is coming, that is the service.'' I got up feeling bad but my daughter straightened it all out. Lord, she was mad too at first until I explained it to her and it was a big deal. I felt like not speaking to a soul.

My dd apologized saying she loved me and I told her I already notified Pastor Horacio.
Anyway, no one knows how much I miss that husband of mine. I am taking things a bit too hard these days.

We just have to keep going HH. There will be bad times but they will pass. It looks to me as if we, on this board are a great team, helping each other. God bless you. Keep posting.

Nov 24, 2010
this new life sucks
by: Mari

It is interesting to note that some of us have redecorated or made changes since losing our loved ones. I wonder if that may be part of keeping ourselves busy or what? I have made a lot of changes here at home.

My daughter is visiting with 3 of my grandchildren so I feel better. I wish they could stay forever.

We had to change the memorial date to accommodate more family so will have it Friday. I just have to get through it.

My husband is not coming back. Sometimes I scare myself when I am looking for him to walk in the door and then I remember he is not coming back. I will never feel his kiss on my cheek or hear him say,''You look beautiful, sweetheart.''
We will meet in heaven and walk hand in hand by the crystal shore. God knew my husband was tired and in pain and took him home.

Little by little we will rebuild our lives. We have to keep going. I am just trying to figure out just where to begin.

I care for all of you on this board and appreciate having found it. May God bless all of you. Mari

Nov 21, 2010
this new life
by: jules

HH - thank you for you understanding - and thank you to all who share this site with me - it is my saving grace - I am sitting here having just done some vaccuming and mopping, and feeling sadder than on the actual day of the anniversary - I think now I really believe that he won't be coming back - I have to make this life as good as I can without him - and I will.

Nothing more to say at the moment -

Nov 20, 2010
You are NOT alone...
by: HH


I am so sorry that you feel alone during this time. As Dec 6th approaches I feel a dread that I have not felt since "that" phone call. And when that first anniversary of his death comes I might get a call from my sister. But as you point out the day has no significance to those who did not Love them As we did.

That day will be burned in our minds forever regardless of how we end up 5,10 or 20 years from now. My only hope is that it will bring fond memories instead of the painful ones that we now feel.

You tend to be positive throughout this grief process, today is only a little normal anger and resentment. Feeling that you are abandoned but you are not, we are here. And wishing you well.

Nov 20, 2010
this new life sucks
by: Jules

Here it is - the day is almost over - 5.30pm - I have had one phone call from a friend whom I've only known for a year - I do call her a good friend. My son rang early this morning from Melbourne - just to check I was ok - he is doing his own grieving with his partner and others that he loves.

My long term friends from interstate - nothing - no phone calls, no emails - not a thing from any one of them - ok - it is not an important date form them - but I can still tell one of them when her father died - 2nd October 10 years ago - is my grief and my darlings death so insignificant in their lives? Do I mean that little to them after 30 odd years of friendship?

To say I am disappointed and sad is an understatement - but I will get over it - what doesn't knock you down, serves to make you stronger.

Nov 19, 2010
this new life
by: jules

Well, here it is the first anniversary of my darlings death. How do I feel - retrospective, disbelieving, bereft, alone, sad, confused, puzzled, a bit numb -

My daughter stayed here with me last night, and we talked about her dad - she misses him a lot. She stayed so I wouldn't have to be alone at this time, and I love her dearly for that thought. But even in a crowd, I feel alone, I am a single person, a widow, on my own, responsible for myself, no partner to share the daily goings on with, no love to give me a hug, just because he was walking by, no one to say "so what are we doing today?" -

I will get through this - I won't fall in a heap, it is not in my nature to do that - but I will miss John till the day I die, no matter what else happens in my life - this I know for a fact.

I am so grateful to have this site, the support and understanding is amazing. I hope to always keep in touch with you guys - I feel as if I know you all so well, I feel your pain, you feel mine - the sign of a true friend.

Nov 16, 2010
This new Life (sucks)
by: Mari

Hi Everyone. I sure find comfort here on this board. As for this new life I am not sure I would call it that but am progressing a little at a time. At my grandaughter's baby shower I felt a bit of anxiety. I wanted to leave. I felt sad but everyone was nice, it turned out to be fun, more then I have had in ages. I could laugh again seeing my grandaughter holding up tiny baby clothes, as she unwrapped each gift.

I am not sure we will ever be the same but we will get through. My grandaughter hugged me in passing as if she understood my feelings. How can we ever be the same? We have lost part of ourselves. I feel that we can be happy again but changed maybe? I have to do things for myself and by myself. This business of being a widow is not cool. But we will carve out a new life. Women are stronger then they think and God will help us.

Nov 14, 2010
almost 2 years
by: Barbara G

Next month it will be 2 years since I lost the love of my life. Steve and I were married for over 40 years. I wish I could tell you all that it gets better. It doesn't. It's not that gut wrenching, can't breathe, can't stop crying time, that's better, but the future just seems like something I have to get thru, not something to look forward to. Some days I just close the blinds and stay in bed. If it wasn't for my sister, I don't think I could have made it. But those 150 friends that came to his funeral, cried with me, they are all gone. No phone calls, no visitors, no cards. Except for family I can count on only 3 friends that would still come to my aid if I called. And those that say they understand my loss, but still have their spouse, can't possibly even imagine the pain. Now I'm 60, facing the bleakest future imaginable. My heart aches for all of us. Every great love affair will end in tragedy.

Nov 13, 2010
This new life
by: Jules

I feel your pain - I also have the one year anniversary coming up on 20 Nov - I haven't had anyone actually say to me that it is time to snap out of it or things like that - but someone did ask me when I was going to take my wedding and engagement rings off - well, guess what, I am still married to John - why would I take them off? I also wear his wedding ring that a nurse took off his hand for me in the hospital when he died - I will wear it forever.

There is no time limit on grieving - it is with you all the time, even when on the surface you are laughing, enjoying life, it is simmering away just under the surface, I know I am easily moved to tears sometimes, sometimes from the silliest of things.

My friends who live interstate don't contact me as much as they did in the beginning, but I have made some good friends here, and I have a good life, not the one I would have chosen, but the one I am living at the moment - who knows what the future will bring - but I do have a future, I know John would expect me to go on - he knew me very well, and is up there congratulating me for coping so well, mostly.

Keep on at your own pace - do what YOU want - this tragedy happened to YOU - I feel that the loss of a loved spouse or partner is one of the worst kinds of loss - this is the person you have CHOSEN to be with, for the rest of your lives - your parents, siblings and even your children are there by birth, I hope you understand what I mean by this, it is not to take away from the grief you feel at the loss of others (I have lost both my parents), but it is a different grief, intensely personal and private - you have lost your most intimate friend, you have lost the person you felt most passionate about.

I hope you understand what I am saying, and can take comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Nov 13, 2010
Don't roll you eyes at me...
by: Hope

People all but roll their eyes at us at the mere mention of our spouse. It's like oh boy here she goes again...So I try not to. The same people will tell me oh I just don't know what I would do without so and so, He's my life! Do they realize what they have just said? Apparently not, because they seem to think it is a form of comfort to us when really it is a slap in the face.

I am not allowed to speak of missing my dead husband but they may in turn speak of what their husband is to them in their still alive state.

Our news is old news and for that first month they were soooooo helpful. Or so I imagine, I really don't recall much of the first month except that I should not have been allowed to drive in such a state.

11 months in and still very cranky and irritable when I have to go through the spare room to ready it for visitors. An old wax candle wrapped up in paper might as well been on fire and contained acid for the effect that it had on me.

It's not just going through the clutter and redecorating my life. It is mimimalizing what I really need and keep the things that are a memory handy for when I am ready. The Love letters still shoved in a drawer, not ready to re-read.

I would not wish this state of mind on my worst enemy. Feeling like I have drank a pot of coffee while going through menopause all in a 24 hour period over and over again. Grief makes us all bi-polar, no offence to those that are as it is a miserable Hi/Low state. I should imagine, I know that I am.

Yet tommorrow will be another day tolerable, beautiful, full or joy or rain we shall see when see get there.

Nov 12, 2010
Me too
by: Judy

Hope, it's me Judy again. I know exactly how you feel when you say others are through with your being in grief. I feel the same way- guess what world....I am not over it. I am finding this month hideously difficult and no one seems to believe that I have not "conquered my grief", "moved on" "come to terms with my loss;, "made a new life", "embraced my new life' and so on ad nauseum. Try it people. It stinks.


Nov 07, 2010
We will get there
by: Jen

Hi Hope,

This path with an unknown ending twists and turns, goes up and goes down, a bit like the grief and emotions we are feeling. I feel strongly about making the most of each and every day altho as we know there are days this seems incredibly difficult.

There are days the mask goes on just to get thro.
We are strong individuals and surviving we will do. After all our partners fought so so hard to survive.

Hope, this site is invaluable to me too and i sign on several times a day and altho i do not know you and others we have so much in common.
We will chat again but for now i will get that cup of coffee.

Take care, your doing great......


Nov 07, 2010
my life sux too
by: Anonymous

I'm grieving too and i saw your title because every morning waking up i say that. i've never been negative in my life but since June I too feel everything you're feeling.

I think i go to this site too for healing. I think my friends are sick of me and sick of me "not snapping out of this". I even called a depression hotline (found on web) yesterday because I just could not stop crying and the guy after about 20 minutes said he had to let me go?! so i can't even get someone to listen to me hurt.. good God..

i do feel for your pain. I don't know how we get thru this... don't our new lives really stink though? especially not being prepared for them.

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