This Unbearable Pain

by Jasmine Bryant

I'm only fifteen years old, and my mother has always been my best friend. But some ...bumps, if you will... hit our road in the April of 2012. My brother, a year older than I, left the 18th of that April to live with his father in Tennessee.
The next day, I was taken to live with my father. For such a long time, I felt so much hatred and anger towards her for the things that she did to us. Over time, I did forgive her for all of this.
October 14, 2012, I got a call from my cousin. I can still remember the worry in her voice, of every word that she said to me. "Jaz, your mom has been in a bad car wreck. We don't know what happened, but she's in Louisville, and the doctor's don't think it looks so good." Instantly, I started crying. About ten minutes later, my uncle called me. He didn't sugar coat it. "Hey, Babe, you need to get to Louisville now. Doctor's say your momma isn't going to make it through the night."
Five o'clock the next morning, I made my way to Louisville, Kentucky. By 8, I was there.
I never told her how sorry I was for the feelings that I felt, I never told her how much I had begun to miss her.
The roads were slick from the heavy rain. She had a tire blow-out. You could see the size of the tree from where it hit the passenger side of the truck. Her brain had swollen and only 3% of it was working.
I feel so lost and alone without her, and I don't think I can ever move on from this. I feel so much hatred towards myself for putting my mother through the pain of both my brother and I leaving, and I know that it was for the best that we left, but I just feel like, if we stayed, maybe I would still have a mom to laugh and joke with.
But now I don't have her, and I feel so much pain. I feel so lost without her, and I hate myself for never telling her sorry.
She's been dead for a month and two days now, and I've started dreaming about it now.
I had a breakdown in class a couple of days ago, and I blacked out and started scratching my arms and face with no recognition of what I was doing.
She was only 34 years old.
I don't think there are any words to express the agonizing pain that I feel every day. The pain that I'll have to endure every day for the rest of my life.

Comments for This Unbearable Pain

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Nov 21, 2012
This Unbearable Pain
by: Doreen U.K.

Jasmine I am sorry for your loss of your mom to a tragic car accident.
Please don't beat yourself up for all the things you didn't do or say. Your mom knows she had a responsibility to her children and if she made unwise decisions that affected yours and your brother's life you have every reason and right to feel angry at how this decision affected your life and your brother's. You were both disrupted and denied the opportunity of living together. In other words your family life was split up. Your security was taken away from you. You reacted like any young person would have done. I am a mother of 3 Adult children. But as a mother I would take responsibility for anything I did wrong that affected my children's lives to make them unhappy. I think your mother, and many mother's do take responsibility for the mistakes they make. At the end of the day Parents love their children but get caught up in the difficulties of life that can be so complex it affects their children's life in a negative way.
Forgive yourself for not saying Sorry to your mom for your behaviour. Most moms would not like to burden their children with the difficulties in life. Most moms would overlook the behaviours of their children. You were the one who lost out on being with your mom. You will have to grieve this loss and every other loss that denied you what you needed. Which was the stability of having the nurturing of a mom. The right to grow up with your brother in the same home. Perhaps you could see your brother and build up a good bond with him despite living in a different state to him. You will learn in time to put your grief to rest and move on in life and form new relationships and friendships that can carry you through the rest of your life and help you to Heal from the past and everything that has torn your life apart.

Nov 19, 2012
Thank You
by: Jasmine Bryant

In response to "Put your arms around her", I thank you very much, and I will try to do that. And yes, she was young. 34.
In response to "Jasmine you are in our prayers" the picture is of my mother, and I also thank you for sharing part of your story with me. I am terribly sorry for your brother's passing; I don't know what I would be able to do if any of my brothers were to pass. But my parents divorced when I was 2, and he is remarried.
In response to Judith, thank you, as well, for your words.
All of these helped, when I didn't think it would at all.

Nov 18, 2012
Put your arms around her
by: Anonymous

Jasmine, please try to do this small thing, if you can. I believe your Mum is crying too, for the same reason as you, for the things which were unsaid and undone. If you could try to visualise her in that situation when you go to sleep tonight, try to imagine that you are putting your arms around her. Imagine that you are helping her cry and that she's helping you to cry. No words needed, just the two of you, together.

You have learnt at a tender age that life is not always rosy. Judging by the ages which you give, your Mum must have known that at a young age too. Still, whatever happened between you, you were given each other. Try to find solace in the fact that there would have been moments of uninhibited happiness, when it was just you and her. You may have been too young to recall some of those times, but I am certain that she remembers every second, where she is now. I am certain too that you will begin to remember the happy times as you begin to recover.

Cry for as many nights as you need and allow your Mum's soul to cry with you while you visualise your embrace. Allow her to comfort you, as she must have done at some point in your life. I promise that when your crying is done, your mother will be at peace, and so will you.

Nov 18, 2012
Jasmine, you are in our Prayers
by: Anonymous

Hi Jasmine,

You and your family are in our prayers. I fully understand your pain and believe me you will survive with support and understanding from us on this Blog and those around you. The pain, the hurt is always there but it does get better with time.

I am proud of you for having had the courage to openly express your grief on this page. I am certain you must feel better already. I lost my only brother in May and I was living in agony of "what if I did this" "why did I not say this" before he passed!! But the day I found this Blog I poured my heart out to people who are on the same path with me.

Like the previous Sister wrote please seek help my dear. The load is too heavy for you to carry alone. Dad must be going through a lot himself - do ask him for help but also at school where the incident happened they should be able to find help for you.

Jasmine please find time to read other people's stories on this Blog, young ladies like you share their pain as well. It is very helpful to know that you are not alone on this rough path. I hope you are keeping in touch with your brother no matter how far he is from you. He must be going through the same pain as you - so talking to him and sharing good memories about mom will help heal the open wounds.

A lot of things that happened before your mom's passing were not your fault Jasmine. Your mom's passing is not your fault Jasmine. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the situation. The best way to honour your mom now is to live a fruitful and purposeful life that she wished and hoped for both of you and your brother.

My brother passed almost 6 months ago but I still cry often missing him terribly. I am telling you this so that you can prepare yourself for this mourning period... it is not an easy one my dear but with supportive family and friends, expressing my feelings on this Grief Blog and reading other people's journeys in this Blog, but above all praying to the Almight God helps me a great deal.

I am so proud of you for finding this blog and expressing how feel - please keep doing it. Remember God loves you. I pray His mercy, grace, favour and wisdom be all over you and your family during this difficult time Jasmine. By the way who is that on the picture? love

Nov 18, 2012
by: Judith in California

Jasmine, I feel your pain. But don't hate yourself. there is nothing you could have done to prevent the circumstances that led to this tragic end for your mother. Please tell your father you want to see a Grief Therapist to help you put things into perspective. It would be highly beneficial for you to hear a professional tell you certain things about control and grieving.

I pray you will do this and be able to move forward in time.

God Bless you .

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