This Unbearable Pain
by Jasmine Bryant
I'm only fifteen years old, and my mother has always been my best friend. But some ...bumps, if you will... hit our road in the April of 2012. My brother, a year older than I, left the 18th of that April to live with his father in Tennessee.
The next day, I was taken to live with my father. For such a long time, I felt so much hatred and anger towards her for the things that she did to us. Over time, I did forgive her for all of this.
October 14, 2012, I got a call from my cousin. I can still remember the worry in her voice, of every word that she said to me. "Jaz, your mom has been in a bad car wreck. We don't know what happened, but she's in Louisville, and the doctor's don't think it looks so good." Instantly, I started crying. About ten minutes later, my uncle called me. He didn't sugar coat it. "Hey, Babe, you need to get to Louisville now. Doctor's say your momma isn't going to make it through the night."
Five o'clock the next morning, I made my way to Louisville, Kentucky. By 8, I was there.
I never told her how sorry I was for the feelings that I felt, I never told her how much I had begun to miss her.
The roads were slick from the heavy rain. She had a tire blow-out. You could see the size of the tree from where it hit the passenger side of the truck. Her brain had swollen and only 3% of it was working.
I feel so lost and alone without her, and I don't think I can ever move on from this. I feel so much hatred towards myself for putting my mother through the pain of both my brother and I leaving, and I know that it was for the best that we left, but I just feel like, if we stayed, maybe I would still have a mom to laugh and joke with.
But now I don't have her, and I feel so much pain. I feel so lost without her, and I hate myself for never telling her sorry.
She's been dead for a month and two days now, and I've started dreaming about it now.
I had a breakdown in class a couple of days ago, and I blacked out and started scratching my arms and face with no recognition of what I was doing.
She was only 34 years old.
I don't think there are any words to express the agonizing pain that I feel every day. The pain that I'll have to endure every day for the rest of my life.