This year is worse

by Yvonne
(California)

Roger died last July and I am tired of surviving; I am tired of trying to make a life for myself. I am so tired. The holidays are around the corner. Last year they were so sad. Not having Roger here was almost more than I could stand. I was in a fog last year. Going through the motions. This year the pain is worse, I cry more this year than last. The loneliness and the pain are so horrendous. I can’t make anyone understand. They said it would get better but it isn’t. The thought of the holidays this year scare me.

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Apr 27, 2012
Difficult journey
by: Anonymous

Oh God, this is so hard. I never thought I would be so undone as I am. My husband fought cancer for 6 years 3 different cancers and just kept going because he wanted "to be here" but finally was beaten in June of last year and I am coming up on the one year anniversary soon. I've managed to take care of everything legally and have a lot to handle with rental properties and have been kept or keeping myself very busy. But it seeps in to my bones in a way that I cannot explain well other than to say I am beyond lonely and missing him so very much. We had a tough marriage and it wasn't always easy but we were partners and we fought cancer together for those years.I'm also a nurse so I was his medical advocate as well as his wife,and on some levels I feel like I have PTSD from the six years of living with this sentence over our heads. Sadness isn't descriptive enough to express what I feel. I'm going to grief group and I think it's a good place to let out some of the feeling but I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with the painful reality that my life has forever changed and I haven't made a day in 10months yet without tears.

Dec 10, 2011
So alone
by: Anonymous

I cry all the time now. When does it get better? I don,t think I want to do this any,ore I am so lonely. I try but then I ak myself why? Being here alone is hell. This isn't,t living, it is just surviving until God realizes I have no reason to be here. Roger was my life an now my life is gone. I try to stay busy but everything I do reminds mr of him. I am sitting here waiting for the car to be serviced realizing he wold be doing this for me. I miss him so much!!!!!

Nov 13, 2011
For,Yvonne and All of Us...
by: Vickie

I know for myself that when I come to this site even before I start to check for any new posts, or added comments, I already find myself feeling a bit of peace. As I read new posts/comments and I read the writers words "I don't think anyone can understand my pain, the heart wrenching ache..." I tell myself..we do. That is why we all are here. Why we have come here. I am sure many of us do have family and friends that are there, but because as time goes by we see that we are feeling more Alone than ever. It is so Exhausting to just get through the days with as so many of us have said 'with a painted smile.' I wish I could tell you that the first yr. anniversary isn't as hard as you are dreading, but that wouldn't be honest, or fair to say. I asked myself "Why is that day so much worse than the last 364 days of Hell I have just endured?" Because we mark time, memories with dates. This yr. was still very difficult ,the two yr. anniversary of my daughters death but I didn't find that the actual day hit me as hard. The weeks before were much harder than the actual day. I realize that we all grieve differently and move at our own pace. My oldest expressed to me recently that she wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving at all. I assumed because it would be our third one w/o her sister. She went on to explain to me that it was definitely part of it, but it was because people have such high Expectations of the holidays and just trying to meet those takes so much away. This yr. we are simply doing the Thanksgiving Day differently. Lunch out the day after. We just don't want to put on our painted smiles and push through a day of stress and expectations we know can't be met. We know it won't be easy even w/o making a big day and we will not escape our loss and memories. But for us, it is just more than we can take. I hope that you will find some small moments of peace. Allow yourself to do as you need, feel. There is no way around our pain, but just remember this site is here, and you are not alone.

Nov 12, 2011
This Year is Worse
by: Vickie

I was in a store today and I read this. I found that the words gave me some comfort:


"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
Helen Keller


Maybe these words can give you some as well.

Nov 12, 2011
Can It Get Any Worse?
by: TrishJ

Yvonne~
As the one year anniversary of Joe's death nears I can totally see myself back sliding. I know there are people in my life that say it is time for me to move on. They don't say it to my face. Just little comments here and there. I'm starting to panic as the one year approaches because I don't feel like I've made a lot of progress.
Last year the holidays were just a blur. He was still here on Thanksgiving (holding on by a thread). He enjoyed his dinner ~ but 8 days later he was gone. I shopped for Christmas gifts for my grand children in a total daze. I couldn't even tell you what I gave them last year.
My husband had an abusive childhood raised by an alcoholic mother who was married and divorced 7 times. I taught him to love Christmas as I grew up with the magic of Christmas as a child. He learned to love Christmas as much as I did. Now I have to spend the rest of my Christmases without him. The thought does not appeal to me.
I know I have to go on and be strong. The look on my grandson's faces is priceless. I have to on believing that Joe is with me everyday. I can't see or hear him but I know he's with me.
We're all in this together as we continue to take our lives~
One breath
One step at a time.
Blessings to you.

Nov 11, 2011
Yvonne..
by: VJ Calif.

Yvonne, I am so sorry for your hurt and loss. I think this is probably the hardest time of the year other than the anniversaries/deaths of the ones we have lost. I believe in this season of 'Holiday Cheer' all of us here just want it to be Over. I received a comment from a lovely sweet woman after a post I had written. She said that my grief was my own and no one could choose when I was done grieving-but me. Some of things that I mentioned in my blog were very much the same as yours. I honestly believed that there would be more understanding as time went by, of what I was going through. To my surprise that wasn't the way it turned out. I realized that even the closest of my friends and family just didn't truly understand my constant pain. I don't think anyone really can until they are there. I felt like screaming at people "My child is dead!! Don't you get it!!" Again as I have often said here this site has been a Blessing and I am so grateful to have somewhere to come and open up. I have been dreading the whole Thanksgiving day coming up. My oldest daughter and her family would come and my youngest and her husband and daughter. Now, since my youngest was killed I find it more depressing than ever. My fiance's family is having their family gathering at his parents-went last yr. and I really didn't enjoy it. Sad to say. I spent the day thinking of the daughter I lost and my oldest and two grandaughters at home. This yr. I am skipping the day. My girls and I decided to do lunch out the day after. I know I will be sad but I would be sad even if I went with my fiance'. His family is nice but they never even ask me how I am doing. They could have an elephant in the room and pretend it wasn't there. I see nothing to gain by going. Everytime I do-I go away hurt. My point is-You are always going to miss your loved one. Maybe this year do something different. I don't care what others think. Sometimes being with others can help ,but it depends on the company. I hope you can find some sort of peace, if even for a short time. God Bless You. I will keep you in my prayers.

Nov 11, 2011
The Second Year is Harder...
by: Yvonne

Yvonne, Your not wrong in the way you are feeling. I found myself feeling the very same way. The shock does numb you that first year, and your mind is busy trying to wrap itself around what has happened. I have talked to other people that feel very much the same. I having been doing fairly well,but just 'lost it' this eve. driving home from seeing my fiance at the hospital. He has an infection and will be okay in a couple days. In the mean time I am dreading the holidays and he thinks that I should be able to move forward more. I lost my daughter two yr's ago. His family never asks me how I feel, or even Stops to consider my hurt. I am SICK of it and would just as soon be done with All the holiday stuff. Just don't put too much into the holiday and have any real expectations. Just take it one day at a time. That's why we are here because most people Don't grasp our hurt and endless pain. I hope you find some peace soon. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

Nov 10, 2011
the second year
by: Judy

Yvonne,

I am almost at the 2 year mark-November 28th will be 2 years since my Bear passed on.

I can say that some of the most difficult times were in the second year, especially right after the one year mark had passed. As you say, the first years goes past in a fog. I literally cannot remember several months of that first year. This is a kindness of nature I think. But in that second year there is no fog, no illusions, nothing but the hard truth staring us in the face. He is gone. He's not coming back. You can't wish, pray, beg or cry this away. We are stuck with this reality.

I can't tell you things will get better for you. I can only say that they did get better for me. Gradually, very slowly, color crept back into my life, I started laughing and smiling again. This time will come for you, in your own time. Until then just let grief lead you to where ever it's going. Just roll with it. If it's tears let them roll. Just ride it out.

We are all here, feeling the same way or having felt the same way. We are all here cheering you on, your sisters in this journey of grief.

JM

Nov 09, 2011
This year is worse
by: Pat J.

Yvonne,
I am not looking forward to the holidays either. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack on June 27th, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. It will be 5 months he is gone on November 27th.
I still feel a part of me died with him. I do have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren whom tell me how much they love me. They talk about their dad and papa all the time telling me how much they miss him. Miss him, they should be i our shoes. To me this is the greatest hurt in my life. I lost both of my parent-Mom is gone 35 years and dad 5 years. I grieved when they died, but not like I am now.
Please be easy on yourself. It is our grief and don't put a time limit on your grief. I am just taking it one day at a time, sometimes, alot of times, just faking it until I can make it.
We all feel alone, even surrounded by people. I have read and I have talked to widows and widowers, who have lost their spouses, 10 years, 11 years, 14 years, 18 years and they all say the same thing-the hurt never really goes away-we just learn to deal with it better. Some of us may take longer than others and that's okay. I no longer apologize for my tears-I own them.
I am going to do things I know my husband would want me too. I am going to always make him proud of me. He no longer walks this earth with me; he's constantly watching over me though.
I will LOVE HIM AND MISS HIM until God calls me to join him.
Keep coming to this site and share your thoughts and feelings for WE ALL UNDERSTAND. WE ARE STRANGERS, YET WE HAVE A COMMON BOND.

Nov 09, 2011
Missing my husband
by: Anonymous

Dear Yvonne, I know the feeling. My husband died 2 months ago, and I dread the holidays. The pain I feel is so horrible that I just cannot describe it to anyone. I am still so angry at God for taking him from me. I hope that you and I find the strength to get through this. Joanne, Chicago

Nov 09, 2011
When Does It Get Better?
by: Anonymous

Yvonne~
I'm right there with you. As the one year anniversary of Joe's death nears (3 weeks) I don't feel any stronger than I did 9 months ago. That devastating overwhelming + I want to go with him pain is easing but the desire to move on just isn't there. I drift through the days. I'm just existing. I'm tired of getting that staged smile on my face when everyone asks me how I'm doing. I squeak out a barely audible, "OK." I don't say I'm fine. I'm not fine.
Everyone keeps telling me I need to get a job. I still have days when I feel like a basket case who would not be capable of going to a job and doing it properly. The bad days are getting less and less but when they are bad they are debilitating.
Somehow I've been thinking when December 3rd rolls around all the pain and fear will magically be lifted. I know that's unrealistic but part of me is hoping it will happen.
A friend of mine told me that I shouldn't have so many pictures of Joe around. I really got mad at her but lately I've been thinking. Should I put them away and just take them out once in a while? I can see a picture of him from any place I sit in my apartment. I was thinking they are comforting but maybe they are making things worse.
Feeling your pain Yvonne and hoping for the best for all the widows on this site.
Blessings.

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