Those First Weeks after losing my son

by Mom To Angel

I began to keep a journal very soon after I lost my son (3 years ago)
There are days I look back over it and wonder how I survived...... This is one
of my first entries. It's not pretty, it's raw pain .....

When My Son Died....
I can not breathe. I can not focus, I can not think of anything other than my baby. So many questions, fear over whelms me. This didn't really happen, but yet it did. Anger, tears, I hurt so bad.

 Eat they said, how do I eat when my son is dead. Dead? what a horrid word. My life is altered, my future gone. I see everything differently now. These things do not happen to me. They happen to other people. 

My son is not dead why am I being told this. Funeral? OMG I can't even say the word. I'm sick, my stomach is in knots, my world is so foggy. Time stops for me, days and nights run together. I want to puke. I want to die. I cannot look at him in the casket I was just forced to buy. How do you speak my son's name in the same sentence as funeral?

I hate everything, I hate that driver, who lived. Why did my son die and the driver got to live? Who is he, this monster that hurt my baby.

You cannot bury your son until his autopsy report is complete? I am sick, I throw up. I cannot do this anymore, I'm exhausted, breathing takes so much effort. My heart beats so fast. I can't even swallow without choking.

I want to run away. I am in hell, I can only remember him at the front door that last day. My brain is foggy, I cannot tell people he is dead. 

Perhaps it's a lie. Did he suffer, don't lie to me. So many rumors and lies. I cannot plan for tomorrow, surly I will die from a heart attack today. 

I can not walk and talk at the same time, I am functioning on about 10 percent as my grief has taken the other 90 percent. I forget to breathe, I find myself with hand clasped tight, every muscle in my body tensed up as if waiting for a bomb to drop, however the bomb has dropped, but my mind is unable to grasp the whole picture.

I want to speed up the clock and jump ahead at least 6 months, surly this must ease eventually. I am in hell.

I am a strong willed person, why can I not "will myself" better. I cannot be one of those people who loses a child and goes crazy, but this is so much bigger than me. I am sick, I am broken, I am very, very small, I am humble, I am weak, I am everything I hate. 

I let him die, I should have known. If only I had done this or that I could change this. I caused him to die. I failed my son.

Mothers do not bury their kids. Why God? Why my baby? I am broken, I am the poor pitiful Mother who lost her child, I am the one I once felt so sorry for. I hate pity, do not feel sorry for me. 

Don't tell me you understand, because you don't. Don't tell me he's in a better place because I am selfish and I want him here with me.
I taught him to wear a seat belt and that seat belt killed him. Why, why, why ..... 

Comments for Those First Weeks after losing my son

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Dec 06, 2014
by: Nanna

I'm very sorry for your loss. No matter how you lose your son it's devastating and heart breaking. You always want to know why but may not ever know . October marked my 40 year old sons death . Tro state police rang the doorbell at 5 am to tell me he was dead , killed on his way home to his wife and children on a motorcycle a man got a duo out there shortly there after but they never investigated if he ran him off the road and killed him. We will never know , watch for signs from him I tell you he will try and make contact with you , mine has so I do believe this now . Bless you and take it day by day I cry every day as does his dad ever since we list him that's just the way it is we love him andi miss him just as you do your son. It hurts like nothing else!

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Dec 05, 2014
by: Anonymous

Tomorrow would be my Nolan's 24th birthday, but he won't be celebrating a birthday this year. On Oct. 28th someone went into his apartment and shot him. He was there for 2 days before his friend found him. My son was killed, and I don't know why. I'm so angry! He had just graduated from college 5 months ago, and only been in his own apartment for 3 weeks. Why oh why would someone do this to my child? His career was going so well, and he was on top of the world! I just don't understand. I don't want to see people or hear them say how they are praying for me. Things like this happen to other people not to our family. Not to my sweet boy, who liked everyone and would help out anyone. This is just so wrong. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that this nightmare is over, and celebrate another birthday with my baby but that will never happen again.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Dec 01, 2014
my son my son
by: Anonymous

I lost my son Sept 26,2014 an I think Im dying I had already lost a son Feb 20,2006 an I didnt die but I think I will now can't breath eat or drink Im all alone an that is the way I want it.I live on a ranch 11 miles from the nearest town I feel like I have to be alone

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Nov 26, 2014
its 3 weeks I losing my son
by: Anonymous

I thought I would be better after funeral .it's wors than before funeral I can't even eat normal I alway thinking about him I cry even now I don't know what can I do .when I iron the shirt for young ones I cry because he use to do it .after school when he come from school when he see me he smile and kiss me and tell me stories about beautiful girls he meet every day then we laugh those stories I'm sad I don't know what must I do my life is over.
ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Nov 07, 2014
My dear son Luke
by: Anonymous

On that fateful day Jan 9 2013 everything changed. He was doing homework in his room and then his heart stopped. We got him to the hospital but died the next day. He meant the world to me. I was lucky to be a stay at home Dad. Most never have that chance. Most days I wish to be with him but have to be here for his younger brother and sister. It's so painful not having him here

Nov 06, 2014
my michael
by: Lorna

My beautiful big Brown eyed boy Michael. He was 20 , he had a motorbike accident Sept 2013 two weeks before his 21 birthday. He was having fun with his brother 18 and there cousin at our local playing field. Taking in turns on a junior bike. It was my Michael's turn. Halfway round he never see the pole and hit it
His brother and cousin see it all. When I heard I ran all the way the field but no
One let me near him. The ambulance crew and air crew tried everything but he was gone instantly
I want my son back . I miss him everyday
I pray God will hurry up and take me so I can be with him. His beautiful 4 year old daughter and his brother's and sisters ate all that keep me going. He was my best friend
My beautiful big Brown eyed boy. Miss and love him every second of every day


ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Nov 02, 2014
Is's been 3 Years since I loss my Son
by: Anonymous

It feels like it was just yesterday. My life seems so empty now without him. He was my only child and now I understand how much purpose my life had with him it. Everyday I go to work and come home and just feel so empty. I reflect on what I could have done and when I realize there was nothing- I fall back into my grief all over again. I wish I did not have to live with this pain but it is my reality. My Son was my pride and my joy for 29 years. Through the good, the bad, and at the end of his life I was there. I ask myself when is the pain going to end. My Son's death was tragedy. I can say that because was by hands of another when he was just going into the prime of his life. I don't know what to do.

Oct 23, 2014
Loss of my Son
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 2 years ago, it is still painful, I still expect him to walk in the door or phone, but then I realize he is not coming back. I cope from day to day, my friends and family say I am amazing and strong, but they don't see me at 2am!!
I know Adam would want me to enjoy life, I am trying, but I miss him, I miss his laugh, his smile, his presence. I will always miss you darling, but I try and remember all the great time we had as a family and that is what keeps me going.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Oct 05, 2014
It Just Can't Be Real...
by: Cathy

I lost my precious son, Matthew, just a month ago tomorrow (9/6/2014) at the young age of 35. He had Crohn's Disease (serious gastrointestinal problem) to which he lost a large section of his colon in 2001. Along with having an impossible time coming to terms with his death - I am also living the "what if's" and the "if only's..." His frustrations were taken out through a drinking problem....which had worried me to death. Drinking is the worst thing to combine with Crohns. He moved out of state to be with a woman he met online. When he moved - he was unable to get the Remicade infusions that were keeping his Crohn's in remission. I was unhappy with his relationship, and feared for him because he could not get that important medication. He and I argued a lot because I wanted him to come back here so his medication could save his life and he could get help for the alcohol problem....I argued with him constantly about coming back - and he was angry with me....he went downhill where he was living and started refusing to talk to me. I was begging him to leave her (and a polyamorous relationship) and he was adamant he was going to stay. Then one morning I get a call that he had collapsed - and was gone. His colon had ruptured....and when he collapsed - it "bled out" and suffocated him. So, not only did he suffer horrific pain....THEN he DROWNED.....MY GOD....I went CRAZY...I grabbed glasses out of the cabinet and threw them and broke them! I have screamed, cried and ended up in the cardiac unit with a possible heart attack! (It wasn't - just horrific stress causing an EKG to show that one section of my heart was not getting enough oxygen. Further testing showed nothing abnormal) I keep thinking "if only I could have gotten him to come back here...." "If only I had handled things differently..." I am totally destroyed - yet completely numb. My mind won't accept that he is gone. I see pictures on the wall and I just stare - but I'm frozen solid. Then I will see something I'm NOT expecting to see and I explode into screaming, tears and I don't want to be here! I feel guilty even living! I hate myself because I should have stopped this! I'm his MOTHER! His MOM! You SAVE your kids! I am alone - no spouse, no other children, no brothers and sisters no parents living....I'm ALONE. And my CHILD IS GONE! This is what I posted in the obituary in the paper:

Rest in Peace, my precious Son
It's so hard to believe that you are gone.
My heart is broken, my mind is numb
I never thought this day would come.
You're out of pain, your heart is free
The only one with pain is me.
I pray you know that I loved you
I wish there was something I could do.
Your body is gone, your soul is free.
You were my baby, and always will be.

My heart is twisted and mind numb, angry, scared, panicked at the thought of the full realization of what has's like a nightmare for life...I love/loved my son....if only I could just tell him...

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Oct 02, 2014
I miss my beautiful blue eyed son, Conor
by: Chris

My beautiful son, Conor, had just turned 20 on June 27, 2012. On August 21, he was a passenger in a car that was hit from behind by a drunk drive going over 100 mph. The drunk driver survived and so did the driver of the car Conor was in. Sadness is a constant and tears still flow and some days it's a challenge to get out of bed but I keep going because Conor's sister needs me too. His death was also so hard for her and their dad. For me, this Rose Kennedy quote I found describes how it is dealing with such a loss.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

― Rose Kennedy

Conor had this great Tigger spirit and a Cheshire Cat smile who gave amazing hugs and was never shy about saying "I love you." What I wouldn't do to feel one more of his hugs. Conor had a few tattoos so his sister, dad & I went and had our 1st tattoo to honor his memory. He is greatly missed! Conor was an organ donor so his wonderful spirit lives on in others.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Sep 30, 2014
How do I go on without my son in my life!?
by: Tracy

That Monday morning was the worst day ever in my life! I found my son clothes on, lying on top of the bed! I knew he had gone as soon as I tried to wake him! Without any response! I run and scream and shout!! How ? Why, questions without answers! Grief, depression, anxiety! Nightmares! The list goes on as to how I feel! What keeps me going is I want my son to be proud of me! I've promised him! And his little 12 year old brother!.. I am a very spiritual person who believes everyone has a sell by date tattooed on them! My Corey was only 22 years old!?? S.a.d. That's what they said! Days I feel like throwing in the towel and being with him but I snap out of it for my other son! The crying still exists off and on everyday all day! They say time heals?? I am in the darkest and worst nightmare I've ever been in!! There is no light! But, ill keep on keeping on until I myself are finally back in the arms of my love of my life! My everything! My son.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice.Thanks so much!

Sep 30, 2014
my hito Brandon gone too soon
by: Anonymous

My one and only son Brandon would have turned 21 on August 30th passed away of an accidental overdose. Since than my life is a living nightmare. He was everything to me.He was my best friend,i remember his beautiful smile,cute dimples,the way he always said "I love you mom" my heartaches knowing i will never hear those words anymore.


ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice.Thanks so much!

Sep 09, 2014
by: Lilly

I Lost my son on the 27/08/2014, i was with him for two months in hospital when he was sick. i prayed for him and i pleaded with God, i cried too. we buried him couple days after his death, i have accepted the situation. my siblings and relatives are worried about me that i was way too brave, now i am concerned and afraid if anything bad will happen to me later , i talk about him every chance i get to talk about him. i really do not know what to do anymore. he suffered alot of pain since he was born. the 6 months that he lived have been a hell to him and me, he was in pain since birth, so i really do not know anymore what to do if everyone is so worried about me, plz help

Aug 27, 2014
Lost my25 year old
by: Griefstricken

I lost my son just three months ago and cannot deal. Thought about joining him to mask this unbearable pain but as a Catholic, I am afraid I will not see him because I know better. My life is over. Crying every second of every hour and I am alone. Nobody stepped up to help. None. I wish the day I will reunite. God give me strength.

Jun 10, 2014
My brother
by: Gemma

I lost my younger only brother on the 9th may 2014 and I'm finding it unbearable he was only 30 & I feel like he's left me & I'm an only child we were so close & would always stick up for each other & be there for each other.... I want him back so badly & find it hard to accept that he's dead! That horrible final word dead! It just won't sink in... How can I ever accept it? He has passed away with dilated cardiomyopathy & it's genetic & the doctor has been treating him for asthma instead of investigating it further, he's been gasping for breath for months & been given asthma inhalers..... My brother I miss him so much....

Jun 05, 2014
Our Son
by: Anonymous

He was 40, he was killed on his motorcycle. They said forced head trauma. We can't look upon his handsome face for one last time. His children have lost their daddy. He was my only child, my wonderful son. I have cried every single day since he died, and it is not getting any less painful. It will be 8 months next week. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. His dad is devastated, he lost his son and best friend. My life is nothing but misery and anguish. My life is over I will never be happy again. I wait for the day I feel no pain, the day I can finally see my dear son again.

Jun 05, 2014
My boy is in heaven, too.
by: Jessica Turner

I stumbled across this and want to share something. Our son died when he was 2years/9months old. It was unexpected. The coroner and specialists couldn't determine a cause of death. They say it is like SIDS except he was not an infant. I can relate to the pain of loosing a child. I can relate to the shock of one minute they are here and the next gone. I can relate to the emotions and gut wrenching pain that accompanies loosing a child. It isn't a club anyone wants to be in, but, here we are. My Seth was a wonderful joy. I had the best time of my life when he was here. Our family unit was so wonderful with him and our 5 year old daughter. When we found him lifeless 3/4/2012, our lives changed forever. As you all know, no matter how much you may try to express it and share, words never can reach the depth of your pain. No matter how much time passes, so long as we are here it will be there growing. Our pain is like the ocean in depth, there are places so deep and we keep finding deeper places as we press on without our child. But, the hope here that I want to share with you all is in God you can live and have joy even in your brokenness. My heart is broken. My hope in God is where I am lifted. I will see my Seth again, one day in heaven. Until then God has a purpose for me/us here. I want to encourage you all to seek the Lord and give Him your life. He will enable you to see that He knows the big picture, He sees the grand scale. Life on earth is like a drop in the universe. This earth is passing and all that is in it. But, God's promises are eternal and nothing, not even the loss of our children, can change that. May God bless you all and I pray you will cling to Him. He is our hope, apart from Him we are nothing. Read the Bible, over and over, let the Word of God increase your faith and build your character for God's glory. We have no life apart from Him. He gives us our breath, He gave us our children. The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. In His love, Jessica

Jun 01, 2014
September 27 , 2012 I lost Danny !!
by: Anonymous

The thoughts of what will never be make me think Oh My God No God how do I go on ? I feel guilty eating and thinking of him in the ground why does life begin to end so horrible ? I think am normal to feel this way? I wish God would listen so I can feel he cares !! It will be two years on September 27, 2012 when Danny died and the biggest part of me died too!' I pray that God will answer me to give me strength for
my other children together so maybe the memories will be happy ones after all the memories are all I have !!!! Mom mamamama !!!

Jun 01, 2014
My 4 year old Angel
by: Anonymous

My 4 year old & I were in a car accident on April 16,2014. He had severe head trauma; swelling & bleeding of the brain. It was unbelievable just seeing myself type that . I cannot understand why I survived . We were both restrained but he got all of the impact of a car going 80 MPH while we were at a red light talking about what was for dinner that night . He was my life , I spent everyday of his life with him . He was my little best friend . His name is MAXX . He was just the most special 4 year old . Healthy , smart , full of so much life , he had just became a big brother 3 weeks prior & he loved his baby brother so much . I cannot understand why me? Why any of us ? Who can live through this permanent pain ? It's so hard . I have so many great memories & videos and pictures . And his bedroom & clothes and shoes and thousands of toys & pictures he drew it's so hard . It's been 1 month I hate being social but I have to, I don't hardly go anywhere . I have to force myself to do anything because I have to be clear headed for my 2 month old & having to care for him & grieve is exhausting . I spend all my dAys thinking of maxx. I do research , I read grief books , I watch movies about the loss of a child or death. I just wonder how do you survive something so sad ? So tragic ? So heartbreaking ? This is not the life I imagined for maxx . It hurts . I forget to eat . Some days I can be not so emotional if I just think he is at daycare or he is just gone with his dad but my mind is trying to protect itself from the full impact of the death of my baby . Some days I feel as though I will lose it , but maxx would never have wanted me to leave his baby brother behind . I try so hard to be strong. My family has been great , it's still hard we are all grieving . Maxx was our life . He was so spoiled and got his way with everything . I just pray to see him again and heaven and tell him how sorry I am for not being able to protect him . I love him more than anything in this world . This is the worst journey ever . A broken heart . I just try to keep myself busy busy busy so I don't feel so much pain all the time but everything reminds me of him . Everything !!!!!!

May 27, 2014
Just lost my son & best friend ever
by: Lynne

Just lost my son 2 wks ago, the funeral is in 2days , don't want to go cos reality is going to hit me hard , feel guilty in everything I do I miss him so much can't imagine how I'll ever go on without him I truly loved him so much totally heartbroken 💔💔💔💔💔

Apr 20, 2014
Every day
by: Sonja

I lost my daughter in 1978...not a day goes by....I miss her so much. I could not eat at the time....people said "You are young - you can have more children" - that was cruel. They now say "How many children do you have?" I can not answer that anymore. My life is forever different. No-one understands really.

Mar 15, 2014
death of my brother
by: Anonymous

My brother Sam Dhody was shot has been 9 months .life is is never going to be same .only waiting for last breath to meet him parents and we siblings are in bad state.god pl rewind our life

Mar 12, 2014
It was September 27, 2012 when Danny died but the nightmare really began August 3, 2012 when he went to the hospital !!!
by: Anonymous

My son Danny was 47 was in ICU for two months until he died on September 27 , 2012. The worst darkest and nightmarish time I never thought possible but it was!! I only asked God get me through this I have other kids that need me and I needed them!! I had hoped for support during Danny's horrible time in the hospital from family and friends and what great comfort they gave me I never will forget that!! The one person was my husband made everything more unbearable and worse if possible and I had no idea but two months ago I found he could !! Why am I still living life under the eyes of a man who cares about what????? Not my pain not anything that matters but the way he handled his inner lust was sick unforgivable and he thinks nothing of it? I have not had one day of anything close to feeling normal God please again I ask help me to see a light of hope!!!!

Mar 11, 2014
My son
by: Kate

My son Louis died 16 mo ago . Today I am still crying heart break tears from the depth of my soul. You words have touched many of us on here. We know that pain you wrote of!
We somehow go on,broken and battered within ,pieces of our shattered heart still in pain, it is a long long process to accept grief of the death of a child. Thank you for writing. May God be with each of us.

Feb 07, 2014
my Lee died.
by: Angela

Lee my son was 26 when he died nov,29 2012, misdiagnosed for 10 weeks by his GP who insisted Lee had sciatica, despite having no feeling from his waist down, no propreaception, couldn't walk, bed bound. After shouting screaming, crying for the doctor to send him for tests whilst nursing Lee myself all this time to no avail I eventually got Lee to hospital, Lee was a big lad but before being ill he held down a full time job, had a lovely girlfriend, didnt smoke or drink and was kind, gentle and loving to everyone. He was neglected in hospital no buzzer, no scan, no hoist, for 3 weeks. His girlfriend Aulie and I did shifts around the clock and wouldn't leave him as he was so neglected.after 3 weeks waiting for a mri scan that didn't happen Lee died in my arms at midnight , terrified, fighting for breath of a pulmonary embolism. Last words were,"I can't breathe, sorry mum ive wet myself" he hadnt been given anti coagulants all the time whilst bed ridden at home and got a clot. He died terrified, I'm living in a groundhog day loop of flashbacks. I cry constantly, in the shops town, on the bus. Everywhere.why didn't I scream louder at those incompetent medic' can Lee be gone forever? He's in the ground, I go everyday, I worry hes cold and wet, scared sad lonely. What am I for now ? I want to be with him, I need to get a serious illness so people dont blame me for joining him. No-one knows the pain of losing a child and saying "I know how you feel" is the wrong thing to say unless you have been through it so best say nothing as its a new emotion to me, agony, no end , no remedy, I miss my baby, I want to be with him, im going to sleep now and hope I dont wake up, but I will. X

Dec 21, 2013
My son
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 2 weeks ago and I feel like part of me died it is Christmas next week and everyone is walking round happy and I want to scream at them I can't eat and I need to be with him

Dec 01, 2013
One day can change your life forever
by: Anonymous

Hi, I son 13 week ago and up to now I thought I was coping with it well, to well I think, as if it was a dream but reality has hit me hard but has shown me that every one grieves in a different way and there is no right or wrong way,
It has shocked me that it gets worse as the weeks go on and the funeral is the easy part but I don't think you ever stop hurting you just get better at hiding it.
I have tried to be strong for my other two children and my husband and not to show self pity but feel they blame me for some reason when it was really nobody's fault.
I only keep going for my 23 year old Autistic son who will need me for the rest of his life and I am grateful that I have him as he brings me a bit of sunshine into my life every day and I wish I could live in his happy world instead of my sad and lonely one,

Nov 30, 2013
Hang on to his spirit
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your pain. Doing the things Marty liked is what helps me get through my days. I know the shock and unbelief you must feel. His spirit will always be with you - hang on to that.
Peace and Love to you.

Becky Loflin
Marty's Mama

Nov 29, 2013
My son died at 20 horrible accident
by: Jackie

My 20 year old son who was getting ready to take a virtual job and Junior in college, extremely bright intellect!
He died in a horrible accident he was going down a pitch black road he was not familiar with and came upon a 90 degree hair point turn! He didn't make it flew into a pond where he drowned, the the next 19 days he lay there , when some joggers finally found him in a cess pool pond! Nothing left to him because the under water life in the pond nibbled on his body! I buried a corpse with no recognition to my son? I'm sick and I don't live I just exist! My son had an 140 IQ he questioned everything including god! He called himself agnostic now I'm worried he didn't go to heaven! He had a good heart! Is there anyone who I can speak to personally that understands, not friends ,family and the oh so rude acquaintances


Nov 14, 2013
lost my son 19 years ago
by: Nan

I lost my son Shawn 19 years ago. He was 20 years old and was killed in a automobile accident. I went through every single emotion that all the mothers are writing about. I am better today, but went through many years feeling I had been stabbed in my heart never to heal again. Somehow we go on, but we are never the same, waiting to see are beloved child again in the next world. I have had many spiritual experiences regarding my son, so I know there is a life hereafter. My hearts go out to all of you.

Nov 10, 2013
The Death of Danny
by: Betty

Danny passed away on September 27, 2012 from heart attack he died in hospital he was there two long months it was the the darkest days like the most horrible nightmare but it is not! I wrote a long story about Danny in detail how he was this was about two weeks after his funeral. I was in a fog I cried the tears would not stop and now anything a picture anything of his I get sick I want him back to see his smile hug him so bad it hurts. I pray for all moms that have lost a child age does not matter my son was 47 and a heart of gold he would help anyone he is a true angel I guess God needed him more ?? Mom

Nov 09, 2013
The Death of Danny
by: Betty

My son was 47 he had a massive heart attack spent two months in hospital where be died . To this minute it hurts as much the words funeral burial are words I hate , the thought of him in the ground makes me sick I feel guilty I can eat and he can't and I know my life will never be the same!!'God Bless. !!!

Nov 05, 2013
by: Morgan

I'm not sure if my grief will or my story will touch anyone but I will give it a go. In October 2012 I lost my brother at the age 24, and have since been trying to pick up the pieces and my parents at that..I have watched the grief rip them apart as this was an unexpected departure of their only son. I had got pregnant soon after his death which felt like a relief or to say a distraction for them. To only find out I was having my first son in the exact sequence that my mom had done with 2 girls ahead of him and the boy being last I followed suite... I continued to keep busy this pregnancy and plan everything under the sun to keep both my parents and my own mind off my brothers passing. And one morning I awoke and didn't feel much movement at 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. I went to triage only to discover my only son had passed... I had a c-section that same evening..and was planning a funeral the next few days following that. quickly things can change and you can go from on track to back off in a second...mack truck...I feel for everyone on this site and am so sorry for all your losses..I pray every night that the pain will go away not just for me but for everyone that has endured something painful as losing a loved one. I'm so sorry...

Oct 17, 2013
i loss my son 4 mouths ago
by: Anonymou

I need help but I do not know how to do it

Sep 23, 2013
I lost my sister
by: Anonymous

I lost my sister 8 weeks ago and am so sad, angry and annoyed by everyone in sight. She was found in a pool at a nurses house whom claims she was asleep and didn't knowmy ssister was still there. She was 36 I'm 23 we were best friends she raised me and I'm so lost without her life will never be the same :( she left behind 2 boys 18 & 7 the older one knows but we don't know how to tell the younger one he is with his dad since this happen. How do we tell him without breaking his hear? He has autism and we do not know how he will react. They say my sister is in a better place but I need her here with her boys and I! Any help plz

Sep 17, 2013
My only son, Vincent Paul
by: Anonymous

My only son went to the Lord almost three months ago. He was 33, the same age as Christ. I am Catholic and do believe that my child is with God, safe and without any issues.
My consolation is in knowing I will see him again and not just for a few days or weeks or months, but for all Eternity. He is not dead, he is away. He lives on in spirit and his body will be united with him on that Last Day known only to God.
If you are Catholics, prayer and sacraments do help. Please know that "Suffering" is a gift from God given by God. The pain you experience now, will be part of the Joy later. Do I cry, yes, but I try not to, because I know that it hurts God who by the way is closer to me now than ever before, and my son, is also closer to me now and is doing so much more for me than anyone could possible imagine. My son believed in Jesus, and he was saved and rewarded by Jesus. Let the name of Jesus be glorified forever. Amen.

Sep 17, 2013
For the love of Tim
by: Lizi P, mother of Tim

My 33 year old son is dead. He was my shadow, a schizophrenic who was happy and idiosyncratic. He died after beating liver cancer 13 years ago. Then he got leukemia 3 years ago and had a bone marrow transplant. He died whilst trying to recover from this treatment , suddenly, as he appeared to be getting better, we had so many plans. I wanted to die too. That would have tainted all memories of Tim. Only when you you lose a child is your life open to the cruelest pain imaginable. I resolve to present as happy and wonder at life as he would, he was the best and deserves my devotion to enjoy his life, knowing he is within me . Rock on Son, your Ma.xx

Aug 17, 2013
its ok
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 5 years ago...he was killed in a motorcycle accident. he was 34...I don't think I have accepted it yet. he was a father of three boys and an excellent father...I went though all the stages of depression...I was in shock, could not cry, then angry at God asking why, and then the tears came...I have my own business so I put every thing I had into my business to try and a
void's been 5 yrs. and i'm still in shock...then I was on facebook and someone put a video of Jesus death and how Mary suffered...Oh what she had to go through seeing him suffer on that cross and then I realized that God will not put you through any more than you can handle if you have faith...sure, I think about him everyday and I have my crying time but to think what Mary had to see, a son tortured and slained...then I realize that things could have been worse..he could have lived as a vegtable or I could have lost both my kids...or he could have suffered...I still have a long way to go but seeing that video made me think...God did that to save us...God bless all that has lost a child...the hardest thing I have ever had to go through

Jul 04, 2013
my sad life
by: macs mum

Why was I given this life? My father died in an accident and now my baby. He was the most gorgeous little boy. Just three nights before christmas I found him hanging from his roman blind. He was just 14 months. I never really got to know him. His personality was just blossoming. His brother was 3.5 at the time is so sad. Today I caught him singing 'Macs dead forever'. I asked him to stop as it was breaking my heart. I too wish I could die but my child needs me more than ever now. I just feel sadness where ever I go and what ever I do. It took me ten years to stop crying about my father, how long will it take to stop crying over my baby? what is this life all about?

Jul 02, 2013
My Little Man
by: Christa Lemonakis

My 2 year old son, Christian, my life, my world, died of drowning due to child neglect at daycare 8 days ago. No one should have to bury their child. My little man was everything to me and my motivation in life. I am lost and empty. I want to start a foundation for him. Here is a poem I stayed up all night and wrote the night before his memorial .....

> Do you remember being in Mommy's tummy?
> Do you remember sleeping with your brown stuffed bunny?
> I close my eyes and I picture your smile,
> Legos in your room, stacked in a pile.
> I sit in silence and I listen to you speak,
> Glisten in your eyes could turn the strongest man weak.
> I still taste the peanut butter cookies you help me make,
> You felt like a big boy because you knew how to bake.
> You woke up so happy and you made your own bed,
> You knew all of the traffic colors green, yellow and red.
> You loved to play, laugh, be tickled,joke, snuggle and spend time.
> You loved when I read Dr Seuss and how I made a face when I Rhymed.
> Everyone thought that I was here to take care of you,
> Truth is you took care of me and made me brand new.
> Mommy wanted to see you turn three,
> I wanted to help you plant your first tree,
> I planned to attend your 5th grade graduation,
> We were going to share every holiday and every celebration.
> I planned to teach you so much about life,
> One day you were supposed to introduce me to your wife.
I would give anything to have you back.
> I want to rewind, this can't be the last track.
> Mommy misses you so much it just makes me cry.
> This doesn't feel real I want it to be a horrible lie.

> It hurts so bad and mommy's in so much pain.
> How does it go from Always Sunny to non-stop rain?
> I know if you were here you would hold me so tight.
> In a situation so dark you would show me the light. > You would tell me to never quit, so I will continue to fight.

> When something is wrong, I will always focus on the right. > You were appreciated every single minute of every single day. > Our memories are a permanent gift, no one can ever take them away. > Christian I truly believe you were an angel sent from above. > You rescued me, and filled me with unconditional love. > Yesterday I looked in the clouds and I saw your face. > Thank you for showing mommy you're in a better place. > The promise I made is a promise I'll keep, > I'll always blow a kiss before I fall asleep. > Christian since you're gone life will Never be the same, > I'm going to keep telling your story until everyone knows your name

Jun 17, 2013
OMG we do live?
by: Megan's mom

I was just certain it would only be days after the death of my beautiful full of life 22 year old daughter that I would die of a broken heart. We have been sentenced to life in the pits of hell with no life support, no happiness or joy for the remaining days of our life with no chance of parole until we die. I dove into the Internet and reading like I was searching for a cure. I still force myself to breath, i literally cannot get enough air. I find myself walking around searching for something that is lost that cannot be found but must be sought. I can't even get myself to look at her obituary, it just sickens me. I could not even take the current year and subtract 4 to come up with the year she graduated. If given the choice and chance I'd join her in a heartbeat. I stand in her room and try to inhale her smell. I try to find clothes I have not washed that she threw in her dresser just to smell the sweat after her morning run. Megan left in the morning of January 8th for her morning run and never made it home. I have a son who made it through two tours of duty and a daughter who did not make it across the street. Like many of you, those that tell us our children are in a better place are no comforting words to a grieving mother. I wonder how many of those parents are willing and ready to hand their children over to God. I was not willing or ready!. Do I believe there is a Heaven? Absolutely but I personally did not drive her there and drop her off. The love I have for her and the unspeakable pain and emptiness of missing her is more than can carry. These wounds are forever a part of us, they have redefined who we are. Who are we? I don't even even know anymore. And don't you just despise the question " How are you doing"? Are you ok? NOPE. Maybe years from now ok is all we will ever be. Right now I am upright and barely breathing and could care less if the world stopped turning and fell right off it's axis. This cannot be the rest of my life!

Jun 16, 2013
I lost my sons too!
by: Anonymous

Hi, I lost two young sons 8 months ago. I still cannot accept the truth. I still wish it was only a nightmare and it would be over soon and I would see my sons again. To make my family feel better, I don't show much about my feeling. I basically shut myself down but occasionally I break down and cry endlessly. My husband is with me but we don't talk much about it either because it still hurts a lot. I want to talk sometimes but I don't know where to start. I can't think or express myself clearly. Very difficult to explain. People told me they understood. Understood of what? I was comforted by reading your journal. Thanks!

Jun 05, 2013
In honor of Michael.
by: Anonymous

My sweet son. Today I passed the high school where you would have been wearing your cap and gown tonight. I would have been holding blue and gold balloons for you. There would have been a huge pizza party. I'm sorry you are not here. I'm sorry you lost your life and can't finish school. How you loved school and your wonderful little buddies too. I will look for a sign that you are ok. Because nothing else will help me overcome my sadness. Your little brothers and poncho and lucky miss you so terribly. Rest my sweet prince as you don't have to fight anymore. Reach for the stars my love......Mom.

May 10, 2013
understand these shoes
by: Anonymous

My son died on april 4 2013 from drowning in the bathtub. The pain and lost is so overwhelming at time. The confusing emotion that flood one's mind can make u vomit. The damage it take on a marriage is traumatic and siblings watching u performed cpr on their brother with no respond is mindblowing emptiness. No one on earth can understand the tornado a parent goes through when u lost a child but the ones that walk through the same shoes.

May 05, 2013
no healing for my pain
by: Bonita Cochran

It will be 4months on may17 since my baby for 21 years died from a gun shot while sitting at the computer at his sister house and some little punks mistaken him for someone else.I'm angry and it hurt so bad till I wanted to die with my son I took 21 pills but I'm still here and everyday I suffer cause I can't see my son anymore.I cry everyday and the pain gets worst.I can't focas nor face the world I feel like I'm going husband is a pastor but I haven't been to church since he died nor back to work.I'm angry with God for letting this happen.I prayed and always tried to do right now I'm a angry bitter person and feel like I'm just not gone make it.I hate waking up everyday.I'm tired and I dont know how to live without my son Joey..I wish I could rewind time..

May 01, 2013
My 16 month old baby
by: Missing her

God I'm being tormented and it won't stop. My little girl died two days ago. I can't live without her presence here with me. Her smile, her touch, her scent her warmth....Kamila I want you here with me! My heart is empty beyond words and I just want to die in hope I can be with her. Oh my sweet baby I'm eternally lost with you.

Apr 30, 2013
Pain of missing your son
by: Anonymous

Hey Adams Mom, I know exactly how you feel and I wonder everyday if the dr who performed the surgery that killed Marty ever thinks about him and that he is gone because of his neglect and arrogance in thinking he was skilled enough to perform surgery. I am so sorry for your pain. I know how unbearable it is everyday. It has been three years since Marty was killed by a dr's mistakes. I will never get over it, but it does not matter about how my life is, it is that Marty does not get to enjoy his. My thoughts are with you. Please take care and get rest. I send you peace and love.
Marty's mama

Apr 29, 2013
I love you forever son.
by: Adams Mom

It's five months to the day that my sweet son who was only six years old passed away. I wont get into details but it was due to E.R neglect if properly taken care of he would be here to celebrate his 7th bday on May 26 two days after my own. He was my only son and we had a bond that could not be broken. I feel like ive been given a life sentence with no parole. I hate going to sleep and I hate waking up to face another day. Thoughts of him and that day constantly go through my mind. Im constantly what if ing, or wondering if the nurse and medical staff that kept dismissing his symptoms thinks of him or wonders how our family is. Im always afraid of what tomorrow will bring because i feel like the pain gets worse each day. Thank you for this website I need to get this out and honestly I feel like friends and family don't always want to be hearing about how depressed I am, Its depressing and uncomfortable and I don't blame them I get sad when I see little boys enjoying life because my son was a happy boy that loved life.

Apr 07, 2013
I miss him so much
by: Stephy

To all that write here, I feel your pain, I lost my darling cherished son 18 days ago. My little darling thought it would be better to end his own life than live with his illness, Aspergers. I miss him so much and cant really believe this is happening. I walk around looking like Im coping & being strong, but far from it,my damage is all inside. At this moment in time I feel their is no point in going on, but we have another son so we must. people ask me do I question if their is a God, I tell them no cos if I think like that then whats the point, I have to believe thats where my baby is, Hopefully Happy & at peace waiting for me. I will continue to exist on this earth but I will never live again.

Mar 30, 2013
So sad
by: Matt's mom

I often come here to read others comments. It is just heart breaking that so many of us suffer this tremendous loss. I have struggled with my faith on a personal level, but I pray for each of you. I know our sons and daughters are at peace together in heaven. I often imagine my son on different adventures, doing everything he would have wanted to do here, but on a higher level. I'm sure he is learning so much from all of the great men and women that went before him. I have a particular vision of my son sitting at a bon fire ( one of his favorite things to do) and chatting with Jesus himself. I'm sure my son is asking him some really good questions, he was well known for his curiosity. I can't wait to learn of all of his adventures when I catch up with him, lots of love <3

Mar 29, 2013
To the moon and back
by: Dennva Missing My Jordan Angel

I feel every inch of your pain and suffering, each and every one of you! I lost my beautify son Jordan Taylor Moore 1 week after his 18th birthday on 11 November 2011. He was killed on his moped, hit by two lorries, died instantly.
Its been 1year 20weeks and 3days since my baby died. He is my first thought every morning and my last thought every single night and occupies most of my thoughts throughout the day.
The night my son died the biggest part of me died too! My life will NEVER be the same again! and why would it!
People who haven't experienced the loss of their child don't understand. My family and friends all rejected me! Were totally unable to feel my pain, allow for my grief!
All of my days are bad days, even now, and some are worse than others! Some days the tears just won't stop!
My son's grave is the only place i can go to feel really close to him! Some days i feel like i am suffocating and only sitting beside the grave calms me! I know Jordan is not in that hole in the ground! But his beautiful body is! I know he is with me all of the time and i feel his presence often! But the grave, for me, helps me feel calm!
We will never get over the loss of our wonderful children! The pain, the longing, the heartache, the loneliness all just become a part of our day to day living!
My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of you.

Mar 24, 2013
Missing Adam
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I don't think anyone can understand or even some what grasp the pain, unless you have gone through this unbelievable. It's been 11 months since my son died. He was 26 years old 10 months and 27 days old.
I have felt every single emotion that you have all felt. I actually did think I was going crazy. I think about him from the minute I wake until I go to bed at night. I spend most days at some point in tears, missing his smile, laugh and touch. I would do just about annoying to feel his touch or hear his voice again.
The only thing that brings relief is going to Bible study and devouring the words.
I love my son with all my heart, I miss him with every ounce of my being and I'm sure life will never be the same. How can it be ? You lose such a vital part of you, a piece of your heart.
May all of you find peace, I pray that for each of you.
I know I will see him again one day, til then, I will pray that life gets easier. Bless everyone and may you find life, purpose and will in the future.

Mar 17, 2013
broken hearted
by: numb mom

I am sorry for your pain. I too have come to know. My 7 year old daughter was riding her scooter in my neighborhood and was hit by a truck. My 6 yr old son witnessed, it. As i write now the images make me sick. This was 5 months ago. I ran down to find her unconscious. But alive. They took her to icu and did brain surgery to open her head to allow for her damaged brain to swell. Omg i cant breath. My baby.. I didnt recognize her in the hospital. I will spare all of u already heart broken moms the details but she was declared brain dead a dew days later. And then we did organ donation. My sweet daughter was amazing. She had a boy twin and a 6 yr old brother and 12 yr old brother and a new 2 month old brother and a 1.yr old sister lost with her. My husband has been great. So strong. With out him and God i couldn't even breath. I too had to figure out how to bury my sweet talented beautiful daughter. I still cry every day. Its so hard to go on. We have 5 other children who need us. My heart aches im so sad. I wish i could tell her i love her and am so.proud of, her. I wish i could have seen her blossom into a women and get married and have children. Thank you ladies for listening to my story. I have never written on a post before so, please bare with me

Mar 14, 2013
Lost my son one month ago..
by: tammy

I am so sorry for your loss.. I am so hurt and numb. I am still in shock. My son was 28. I cry on and off all day. Nights are so bad. As soon as it gets dark outside its like it just puts this dark cloud around me and all I do is cry.. I didn't think that there was anybody that feels like I do. You said it exactly how I feel. How do I do this? I feel like I'm going to die.. I just want to be with my son.... Jesus broke my heart..

Feb 26, 2013
I Understand, We all Understand
by: Vickie

Hello, I understand every comment made on this post and have and continue to feel every single thing/emotion that everyone is speaking of. My son Justin was 21 when he was shot and killed during an attempted robbery, left to die alone in the dark and they still have not found the person/s responsible. I don't have to tell you everything I'm feeling because you all know. You feel it, I feel it, all us mothers/parents who have experienced the loss of a child feel it. I never really understood the term "misery loves company," but now I get it. It's sad but in our cases it's true. How could someone survive this knowing you were the only one? You definately feel alone, but this website has saved me from losing it at work numerous times. Whenever I need you all, I come here. Thank you all for letting us know were not alone and may God's grace (whatever form that may be in) be with you until you and I until we can be reunited with our children.

Nov 29, 2012
Everywhere and nowhere at the same time
by: Michele

My son Kevin my baby,my life, my world was killed in a car accident on June 16,2012. Oh ladies sorrowfully I can say you all speak the words of my heart. Kevin was 20 his birthday was Sept 9th. He would have turned 21.I don't know why this happened to such a wonderful vibrant young life at this time..all I can do is trust God to help me to del with this hurt. I still feel Kevin I know he is near although I can't see him. There is always something to remind me of him a picture a scent a song that's why I say he is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Nov 21, 2012
Im dying inside WHY
by: AnonymousLinda

Hes been gone 2 years and Im dying every day alittle more no one in my family really cares he has an older brother a younger sister and brother I know their hurting but they dont seem to understand why Im still griveing so bad is it wrong am I crazy am I being a bad mother I dont so Imhurting because he was so young and the father of 2 beautiful baby girls they need him and I need him someone tell me WHY my son died WHY Im trying to get through but I die alittle more every day Im so tired I truly want to give up but God wont let me believe Ive screamed foe God to let me die over and over and Im still hear somesay theres a reason Im still here going througn well I wish some would tell me All I know is es with God and I thank God every day for that for without my faith in God I know Id never make Thanks for letting me talk God Bless All out there who have lost some God Bless

Nov 18, 2012
by: Keli

My son was also killed in a car accident at the age of 20 on Dec. 12, 2009. His name...Matthew.

I have gone through all the same emotions and though it subsides to some degree, it never seems to go away. It's been three years (this coming Dec. 12th), and I get anxiety when December approaches. I sit and gaze at his pictures and it still feels so surreal. I still wait for his phone calls or texts, hoping this was all just a bad dream. I feel so lost, I have no future it seems. I'm just waiting for my time. I take it one day at a time. My heart goes out to all of you.

Nov 13, 2012
My Mattew
by: sarah

My Matthew was killed in a car crash, I do not call this an accident because the other driver was speeding and that is no accident, my son, my Matthew age 20 died on August 24, 2012. And my life will never be the same. If it weren't for my other two children, I would have crawled in that casket with my Matthew. Reading about your experiences from your journal entry, they match mine almost identically. I remember arguing with my friends and family about eating, and grooming myself those first few days especially. The thought of food made me literally ill. My Matthew would never eat again. The thought of dressing for the funeral, he is just a baby, how do I have a funeral for him, much less worry about what I will wear?
It's not even three months, well meaning family is hounding me about Thanksgiving plans, how do I celebrate anything, much less a day my Matthew loved. He loved turkey dinner more than anything. I just want to stay home, in my pajamas and watch tv, I do not want to think about what day it is or what I am doing.
I've read many entries on this site, and I too have crawled the internet looking for websites, others that share my pain. Nobody in the world knows my pain except these other moms that have lost a child. This horrible connection we have, it comforts me.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to share as well.

Sep 24, 2012
4 months today
by: Brandy

4 months ago today I lost my son, he was hit from behind while riding a bicycle. Kevin would have been 19 this past month. I am not sure how I am still standing because I have friends who have suffered such loss and I knew then I would never be able to handle something like that but, here I am still standing 4 months later. It's not fair, it's never fair for a mother to bury her child. My prayers are with all of you, we are a few of many. I scour the internet for sites of this nature to try and find that one someone who is making it work, who is able to function, to live. How long does it take? I miss my son so much!

Mar 29, 2012
Thank you
by: Molly

Hi I want to thank you for sharing your journal entry with everyone...I too must say it sounds exactly like ones that I have written in my journal since my Quinn died 8 months ago. I am still in disbelief. I know he is gone but my heart and soul just simply can't believe it. I have no-one to be angry at because Quinn died from a heart arrythmia, but it still hurts beyond words. Every morning and nite I pray to God to take me to Quinn, I feel I have seen and done enough there is nothing else that I need. The only thing that I ever wanted and loved is gone so what else is there? what is the meaning? what purpose do I serve now, everyone else has moved on with their lives and yes they should but when you have an only child and you were a single mom what do you do now??when every though action and plan was for your beautiful child. I was beyond happy in my life with my son. I never felt that anything was missing or that I was lonely, now all I feel is emptiness and lonelyness and I dark impending future ahead of me with mimimum joy and happiness. I never though in a million years that I would loss my son so young 16 it's crazy he had so much potential so many dreams and the world was open for him now everything is gone. I think about all our family pictures and things that Quinn and I accumalated throughout the years, who is going to need those when I die? my journals Quins art work and special things that he created they will mean nothing to anyone. If Quinn lived his girlfriend/wife or child would love to have these keepsakes but now it all ends with me. The loss of a child just ends so many things, things that will never be the same ever again. I don't know how we make it through the days but so far it's just day by day and no plan for the future. I wish everyone on this site peace in whatever form it comes in because this stuff is really, really hard.

Feb 16, 2012
No answers for Marty's death
by: Anonymous

It has been 2 years 1 month and 28 days since Marty, my 34 year old son died in that hospital after the cardiovascular surgeon perfomed what he told Marty was a very needed surgery. This dr no longer practices in the hospital but is in another state. Physicians and all medical persons need to be held accountable for what they do or do not do to cause pain and harm to others. It's not right that after a horrific tragedy as my son's death that he could move and start again. I wonder if he ever thinks of Marty lying in that hospital room hooked up to every tube imaginable and seeing me and the horror I was facing that day and everyday that I take a breath.Know Marty's two little girls will grow up without their loving dedicated steadfast father. They were 2 years and 7 months respectively when he died. I hope no one ever faces the suffering I have since Marty's death. A nurse in this inadequate hospital told us that we would never have peace with the way our son died. She is right - I will never. To see your healthy 34 year old son walk into the hospital healthy and leave 14 days later is more than I can bear. The personnel were so cruel in their remarks to us, even saying we will take the tubes out even if you don't consent to it. What happened to compassion when you see another human being suffering. If you share any of the similarities that I have had happen to me please contact me. Unskilled dr's, nurses and inadequate medical facilities cause pain and heartache that is unimagineable.

Dec 05, 2011
Marty died in a hospital after what a dr said was a routine textbook surgery
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for this website. I wish no one had to ever be writing words about losing our child. But I am thankful you have provided a place for us bereaved parents.Compassionate Friends has been my rock and strength for the nearly two years since my son Marty died.I don't know where I would be today with out them. Marty was a healthy 34 year old who went to the hospital for an aortic valve replacement. The cadiovasuclar surgeon convinced him he needed this and he was the only one who had the great credentials to do it. My husband and I thought he was arrogant and quickly answered questions or half answered them when we went with Marty to a consultation. I was so against Marty going to this cardiovascular surgeon. Marty did go and this cardiovascular surgeon performed what he told Marty was a "textbook" "routine" surgery. Marty stayed 14 days in a coma before he passed away. The dr would only say he was in unchartered waters and offered us no compassion. The hospital was so afraid of what had happened and their liability they was cruel in their remarks to us. A couple of nurses told us that we would never find peace with the way our healthy son walked into that hospital and left 14 days later in a body bag. The dr no longer practices in this state, but is in another state practicing. I am in medical and legal nightmares because so much is wrong. It is the good ole boys network because dr's are so protected after the mistakes that cause pain and harm to others. It's okay how awful my life will be for the rest of my life because what happened in this hospital, but Marty should be getting to enjoy his. Marty is a wonderful son, who enjoyed every minute of life. I love and miss him so much I can not bear to face another day. It gets worse everyday. Thank you for listening. I love to talk about Marty.

Becky Loflin
Marty's Mama

Oct 20, 2011
Later on in Time
by: Anonymous

I know when loss first comes it seems there is nothing a person can do but get by with existing and that is a big job. It wears you out so don't try to do anything you don't have to. I did a crazy thing. My husband bought me a laptop computer and I love computers and Hidden Object Games. I would sit up in bed morning and night and play those games. They seem to be tolerable and took my mind off my terrible grief. Almost 4 years later I am still doing the games as I am retired and really don't have many friends and outside activities. There always seems to be something out there to help if we can only find it. It seems that it works if we can find something that doesn't require much thought or energy. I hope this helps for everyone later in time. It may not now because you are numb and don't know what to do with yourself. Please don't expect too much and don't listen to others who tell you that you should be feeling better. They don't really understand. They are just trying to help.

Oct 19, 2011
14 months
by: Anonymous

...and counting for me. Dimitri died of leukemia after a 2 year struggle for his life. He was 23 years and 27 days old. I've been attending the Compassionate Friends meetings in my community and I've been active on their facebook page. That is the only thing that has kept my head above water. I pray for all of us because this pain is so raw and incomprehensible....

Oct 19, 2011
Thank you for sharing your words
by: Cindy

I know!, I know!, I know! My Dylan died almost 7 months ago and I have been stalking grief websites to find those fellow somber souls who share this horrible thing with me. For those of us who walk this bleak journey, words are all we have to share. I appreciate your sharing your journal with me, it helps to know that my early pain is not unique, and that all those exact same emotions are not the product of a woman gone crazy. I have read many stories of grief and loss since my only child died in March. Your story is how I would write mine if I could but I just can't find the right words to say, for my pain is just so indescribably deep. It seemed that I was reading my own experience. It is so strange to be here in this lonely space that used to be my life. I too, feel like I could die from this. I am so desperate to feel anything but this fear and crushing grief, it is consuming me. Before my 27 yr. old son died from a misdiagnosed appendix rupture, I was strong and capable; a person who helped many, gave much, and whose life was full of meaning. Now I am a shell and the world has no order to it. You said that your journal excerpt was from years earlier, I am curious as to how you are you doing now? I hope that you have peace sometimes. It would be a blessing to know that you are well. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful angel. If you would like to share more, my page is "My Dylan, my only, my love, and my life". I would like to communicate with you again. Take good care.

Dylan Joseph Graham
March 21, 2011

Oct 19, 2011
So sorry
by: Anonymous

I didnt realize the time on this comment. Please forgive me

Oct 19, 2011
The pain does ease up.
by: Anonymous

I lost my son of 47 years old almost 4 years ago and it seems like yesterday. When it first happened, I thought I couldn't go on but I did. 18 months after I lost my son, my husband of 54 years died also. 2 months after my husband died, I had a very serious chest surgery which I have been very sick from for the past 2 years. Everything happened to me at once. I am just now starting to feel better. I realize that the pain will never go away completely but it does get less hurting. I found the secret to my feeling better is: Do what you have to or can do, give yourself time and don't expect too much of yourself, read the Care Notes you can get at the funeral home (they are helpful) even if they don't seem to be, grieving is an education and with time you will get and feel better even if you think you won't.

Oct 17, 2011
by: Anonymous

Everyday I ask myself why. There is no answer only more questions. I miss him more everyday. My son and only child died almost 4 months ago. The 22nd of October he would have turned 32. I am not looking forward to this day. Instead of celebrating,we will go to his grave and decorate it with flowers. Some how I will go through the motions but it just isn't fair. The words you wrote are so true. it's like I want to die. I went to my Dr. he put me on anti-depressants I hope it works. I am sorry for your loss, I believe only mothers in the same circumstances as ours can understand the pain of losing a child. May you find comfort for your pain.

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