Those First Weeks after losing my son
by Mom To Angel
I began to keep a journal very soon after I lost my son (3 years ago)
There are days I look back over it and wonder how I survived...... This is one
of my first entries. It's not pretty, it's raw pain .....
When My Son Died....
I can not breathe. I can not focus, I can not think of anything other than my baby. So many questions, fear over whelms me. This didn't really happen, but yet it did. Anger, tears, I hurt so bad.
Eat they said, how do I eat when my son is dead. Dead? what a horrid word. My life is altered, my future gone. I see everything differently now. These things do not happen to me. They happen to other people.
My son is not dead why am I being told this. Funeral? OMG I can't even say the word. I'm sick, my stomach is in knots, my world is so foggy. Time stops for me, days and nights run together. I want to puke. I want to die. I cannot look at him in the casket I was just forced to buy. How do you speak my son's name in the same sentence as funeral?
I hate everything, I hate that driver, who lived. Why did my son die and the driver got to live? Who is he, this monster that hurt my baby.
You cannot bury your son until his autopsy report is complete? I am sick, I throw up. I cannot do this anymore, I'm exhausted, breathing takes so much effort. My heart beats so fast. I can't even swallow without choking.
I want to run away. I am in hell, I can only remember him at the front door that last day. My brain is foggy, I cannot tell people he is dead.
Perhaps it's a lie. Did he suffer, don't lie to me. So many rumors and lies. I cannot plan for tomorrow, surly I will die from a heart attack today.
I can not walk and talk at the same time, I am functioning on about 10 percent as my grief has taken the other 90 percent. I forget to breathe, I find myself with hand clasped tight, every muscle in my body tensed up as if waiting for a bomb to drop, however the bomb has dropped, but my mind is unable to grasp the whole picture.
I want to speed up the clock and jump ahead at least 6 months, surly this must ease eventually. I am in hell.
I am a strong willed person, why can I not "will myself" better. I cannot be one of those people who loses a child and goes crazy, but this is so much bigger than me. I am sick, I am broken, I am very, very small, I am humble, I am weak, I am everything I hate.
I let him die, I should have known. If only I had done this or that I could change this. I caused him to die. I failed my son.
Mothers do not bury their kids. Why God? Why my baby? I am broken, I am the poor pitiful Mother who lost her child, I am the one I once felt so sorry for. I hate pity, do not feel sorry for me.
Don't tell me you understand, because you don't. Don't tell me he's in a better place because I am selfish and I want him here with me.
I taught him to wear a seat belt and that seat belt killed him. Why, why, why .....