Those First Weeks after losing my son

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Those First Weeks after losing my son

by Mom To Angel
(South)

I began to keep a journal very soon after I lost my son (3 years ago)
There are days I look back over it and wonder how I survived...... This is one
of my first entries. It's not pretty, it's raw pain .....

When My Son Died....
I can not breathe. I can not focus, I can not think of anything other than my baby. So many questions, fear over whelms me. This didn't really happen, but yet it did. Anger, tears, I hurt so bad.

Eat they said, how do I eat when my son is dead. Dead? what a horrid word. My life is altered, my future gone. I see everything differently now. These things do not happen to me. They happen to other people.

My son is not dead why am I being told this. Funeral? OMG I can't even say the word. I'm sick, my stomach is in knots, my world is so foggy. Time stops for me, days and nights run together. I want to puke. I want to die. I cannot look at him in the casket I was just forced to buy. How do you speak my son's name in the same sentence as funeral?

I hate everything, I hate that driver, who lived. Why did my son die and the driver got to live? Who is he, this monster that hurt my baby.

You cannot bury your son until his autopsy report is complete? I am sick, I throw up. I cannot do this anymore, I'm exhausted, breathing takes so much effort. My heart beats so fast. I can't even swallow without choking.

I want to run away. I am in hell, I can only remember him at the front door that last day. My brain is foggy, I cannot tell people he is dead.

Perhaps it's a lie. Did he suffer, don't lie to me. So many rumors and lies. I cannot plan for tomorrow, surly I will die from a heart attack today.

I can not walk and talk at the same time, I am functioning on about 10 percent as my grief has taken the other 90 percent. I forget to breathe, I find myself with hand clasped tight, every muscle in my body tensed up as if waiting for a bomb to drop, however the bomb has dropped, but my mind is unable to grasp the whole picture.

I want to speed up the clock and jump ahead at least 6 months, surly this must ease eventually. I am in hell.

I am a strong willed person, why can I not "will myself" better. I cannot be one of those people who loses a child and goes crazy, but this is so much bigger than me. I am sick, I am broken, I am very, very small, I am humble, I am weak, I am everything I hate.

I let him die, I should have known. If only I had done this or that I could change this. I caused him to die. I failed my son.

Mothers do not bury their kids. Why God? Why my baby? I am broken, I am the poor pitiful Mother who lost her child, I am the one I once felt so sorry for. I hate pity, do not feel sorry for me.

Don't tell me you understand, because you don't. Don't tell me he's in a better place because I am selfish and I want him here with me.
I taught him to wear a seat belt and that seat belt killed him. Why, why, why .....

Comments for
Those First Weeks after losing my son

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Thank you
by: Molly

Hi I want to thank you for sharing your journal entry with everyone...I too must say it sounds exactly like ones that I have written in my journal since my Quinn died 8 months ago. I am still in disbelief. I know he is gone but my heart and soul just simply can't believe it. I have no-one to be angry at because Quinn died from a heart arrythmia, but it still hurts beyond words. Every morning and nite I pray to God to take me to Quinn, I feel I have seen and done enough there is nothing else that I need. The only thing that I ever wanted and loved is gone so what else is there? what is the meaning? what purpose do I serve now, everyone else has moved on with their lives and yes they should but when you have an only child and you were a single mom what do you do now??when every though action and plan was for your beautiful child. I was beyond happy in my life with my son. I never felt that anything was missing or that I was lonely, now all I feel is emptiness and lonelyness and I dark impending future ahead of me with mimimum joy and happiness. I never though in a million years that I would loss my son so young 16 it's crazy he had so much potential so many dreams and the world was open for him now everything is gone. I think about all our family pictures and things that Quinn and I accumalated throughout the years, who is going to need those when I die? my journals Quins art work and special things that he created they will mean nothing to anyone. If Quinn lived his girlfriend/wife or child would love to have these keepsakes but now it all ends with me. The loss of a child just ends so many things, things that will never be the same ever again. I don't know how we make it through the days but so far it's just day by day and no plan for the future. I wish everyone on this site peace in whatever form it comes in because this stuff is really, really hard.

No answers for Marty's death
by: Anonymous

It has been 2 years 1 month and 28 days since Marty, my 34 year old son died in that hospital after the cardiovascular surgeon perfomed what he told Marty was a very needed surgery. This dr no longer practices in the hospital but is in another state. Physicians and all medical persons need to be held accountable for what they do or do not do to cause pain and harm to others. It's not right that after a horrific tragedy as my son's death that he could move and start again. I wonder if he ever thinks of Marty lying in that hospital room hooked up to every tube imaginable and seeing me and the horror I was facing that day and everyday that I take a breath.Know Marty's two little girls will grow up without their loving dedicated steadfast father. They were 2 years and 7 months respectively when he died. I hope no one ever faces the suffering I have since Marty's death. A nurse in this inadequate hospital told us that we would never have peace with the way our son died. She is right - I will never. To see your healthy 34 year old son walk into the hospital healthy and leave 14 days later is more than I can bear. The personnel were so cruel in their remarks to us, even saying we will take the tubes out even if you don't consent to it. What happened to compassion when you see another human being suffering. If you share any of the similarities that I have had happen to me please contact me. Unskilled dr's, nurses and inadequate medical facilities cause pain and heartache that is unimagineable.

Marty died in a hospital after what a dr said was a routine textbook surgery
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for this website. I wish no one had to ever be writing words about losing our child. But I am thankful you have provided a place for us bereaved parents.Compassionate Friends has been my rock and strength for the nearly two years since my son Marty died.I don't know where I would be today with out them. Marty was a healthy 34 year old who went to the hospital for an aortic valve replacement. The cadiovasuclar surgeon convinced him he needed this and he was the only one who had the great credentials to do it. My husband and I thought he was arrogant and quickly answered questions or half answered them when we went with Marty to a consultation. I was so against Marty going to this cardiovascular surgeon. Marty did go and this cardiovascular surgeon performed what he told Marty was a "textbook" "routine" surgery. Marty stayed 14 days in a coma before he passed away. The dr would only say he was in unchartered waters and offered us no compassion. The hospital was so afraid of what had happened and their liability they was cruel in their remarks to us. A couple of nurses told us that we would never find peace with the way our healthy son walked into that hospital and left 14 days later in a body bag. The dr no longer practices in this state, but is in another state practicing. I am in medical and legal nightmares because so much is wrong. It is the good ole boys network because dr's are so protected after the mistakes that cause pain and harm to others. It's okay how awful my life will be for the rest of my life because what happened in this hospital, but Marty should be getting to enjoy his. Marty is a wonderful son, who enjoyed every minute of life. I love and miss him so much I can not bear to face another day. It gets worse everyday. Thank you for listening. I love to talk about Marty.

Becky Loflin
Marty's Mama

Later on in Time
by: Anonymous

I know when loss first comes it seems there is nothing a person can do but get by with existing and that is a big job. It wears you out so don't try to do anything you don't have to. I did a crazy thing. My husband bought me a laptop computer and I love computers and Hidden Object Games. I would sit up in bed morning and night and play those games. They seem to be tolerable and took my mind off my terrible grief. Almost 4 years later I am still doing the games as I am retired and really don't have many friends and outside activities. There always seems to be something out there to help if we can only find it. It seems that it works if we can find something that doesn't require much thought or energy. I hope this helps for everyone later in time. It may not now because you are numb and don't know what to do with yourself. Please don't expect too much and don't listen to others who tell you that you should be feeling better. They don't really understand. They are just trying to help.

14 months
by: Anonymous

...and counting for me. Dimitri died of leukemia after a 2 year struggle for his life. He was 23 years and 27 days old. I've been attending the Compassionate Friends meetings in my community and I've been active on their facebook page. That is the only thing that has kept my head above water. I pray for all of us because this pain is so raw and incomprehensible....

Thank you for sharing your words
by: Cindy

I know!, I know!, I know! My Dylan died almost 7 months ago and I have been stalking grief websites to find those fellow somber souls who share this horrible thing with me. For those of us who walk this bleak journey, words are all we have to share. I appreciate your sharing your journal with me, it helps to know that my early pain is not unique, and that all those exact same emotions are not the product of a woman gone crazy. I have read many stories of grief and loss since my only child died in March. Your story is how I would write mine if I could but I just can't find the right words to say, for my pain is just so indescribably deep. It seemed that I was reading my own experience. It is so strange to be here in this lonely space that used to be my life. I too, feel like I could die from this. I am so desperate to feel anything but this fear and crushing grief, it is consuming me. Before my 27 yr. old son died from a misdiagnosed appendix rupture, I was strong and capable; a person who helped many, gave much, and whose life was full of meaning. Now I am a shell and the world has no order to it. You said that your journal excerpt was from years earlier, I am curious as to how you are you doing now? I hope that you have peace sometimes. It would be a blessing to know that you are well. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful angel. If you would like to share more, my page is "My Dylan, my only, my love, and my life". I would like to communicate with you again. Take good care.

Dylan Joseph Graham
March 21, 2011

So sorry
by: Anonymous

I didnt realize the time on this comment. Please forgive me

The pain does ease up.
by: Anonymous

I lost my son of 47 years old almost 4 years ago and it seems like yesterday. When it first happened, I thought I couldn't go on but I did. 18 months after I lost my son, my husband of 54 years died also. 2 months after my husband died, I had a very serious chest surgery which I have been very sick from for the past 2 years. Everything happened to me at once. I am just now starting to feel better. I realize that the pain will never go away completely but it does get less hurting. I found the secret to my feeling better is: Do what you have to or can do, give yourself time and don't expect too much of yourself, read the Care Notes you can get at the funeral home (they are helpful) even if they don't seem to be, grieving is an education and with time you will get and feel better even if you think you won't.

Why?
by: Anonymous

Everyday I ask myself why. There is no answer only more questions. I miss him more everyday. My son and only child died almost 4 months ago. The 22nd of October he would have turned 32. I am not looking forward to this day. Instead of celebrating,we will go to his grave and decorate it with flowers. Some how I will go through the motions but it just isn't fair. The words you wrote are so true. it's like I want to die. I went to my Dr. he put me on anti-depressants I hope it works. I am sorry for your loss, I believe only mothers in the same circumstances as ours can understand the pain of losing a child. May you find comfort for your pain.

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Those First Weeks after losing my son