Three losses in 2 years
It was my 15th birthday when my mom had to go to the hospital for the first surgery. We thought it would be alright, but after the second operation, which I can't even remember when it was, she was getting weaker and weaker. Around Christmas 2011 she was barely able to get up to the bathroom. On Silvester's she was sent to the hospital and returned in the evening. They probably wanted to have as least patients as possible so they could celebrate. So she was brought back in a wheelchair. And on New Year's I was woken up by my dad who worked the night shift and my mom couldn't breathe. There were also some horrible scenes that I fortunately half-forgot. I called the ambulance and they came after over 15 minutes, she said it would be ok and sent me a kiss. In the afternoon, we visited her and she was in a coma. The same day, around 7, the doctor told us she died. It was then I found out she had colon caner. I somehow knew it before, but my parents wouldn't tell me. My sister, who was 10 at the time, was visiting our relatives so she didn't see the horror of the last few days.
Last year, it was my grandpa. Also cancer. Lung cancer combined with a bacteria he got infested in the hospital. I just got back from my vacation at the seaside with my best friend when I found out. But he had been in the hospital a month before so I was somehow expecting it to happen. My grandma is a mess, she still cries every time I visit her.
About three weeks ago, I lost my second grandfather. He suddenly got sick and ended up with sepsis. I managed to see him before he went to the hospital 2 months ago.
It's not just my pain that is unbearable. It was hard to be on my prom without my mom, to be accepted to college without her saying " Congratulations sweetie, I knew you'd make it". She was always proud of me after a PTA meeting because she'd hear only praise from my teachers. It's hard to visit my grandma without my grandpa there. It's hard to hear my uncle's voice instead of my other grandpa every Sunday when I call.
It's even worse thinking how my sister, father, uncle and grandma feel. I want to cry just because they are in pain. I'd somehow get over it, I'd say to myself, as long as I see they are coping with it. My father has met another woman soon after my mom died and she is probably the reason he is doing ok. I'm sure he misses my mom, but I'm really glad he has found his girlfriend. I am still afraid that he might get sick soon as well. I feel like I have to expect the unexpected and assume everyone who is perfectly fine might die as well.
I'm also very sorry for my boyfriend of 3 years for having to cope with this. I wish he would find someone else who is emotionally functional every day of the week and not a wrecked ship like I am. Only a few even know what happened, so it gets very difficult to explain why I never mention my mum without crying. I cry or choke up every time someone asks about her.I avoid people from my school and others I've met before it happened. I want to rip my heart out every time I miss them. I feel like I'll never heal because every few months there's another tragedy just waiting to push me off a cliff. As if "God" is trying to see how much it would take me to become an emotionless doll. I was very religious before, but months after that New Year's, I just gave up on such a cruel god. I wish I could last over a month without viciously crying.