Three losses in 2 years

by Veronika

It was my 15th birthday when my mom had to go to the hospital for the first surgery. We thought it would be alright, but after the second operation, which I can't even remember when it was, she was getting weaker and weaker. Around Christmas 2011 she was barely able to get up to the bathroom. On Silvester's she was sent to the hospital and returned in the evening. They probably wanted to have as least patients as possible so they could celebrate. So she was brought back in a wheelchair. And on New Year's I was woken up by my dad who worked the night shift and my mom couldn't breathe. There were also some horrible scenes that I fortunately half-forgot. I called the ambulance and they came after over 15 minutes, she said it would be ok and sent me a kiss. In the afternoon, we visited her and she was in a coma. The same day, around 7, the doctor told us she died. It was then I found out she had colon caner. I somehow knew it before, but my parents wouldn't tell me. My sister, who was 10 at the time, was visiting our relatives so she didn't see the horror of the last few days.

Last year, it was my grandpa. Also cancer. Lung cancer combined with a bacteria he got infested in the hospital. I just got back from my vacation at the seaside with my best friend when I found out. But he had been in the hospital a month before so I was somehow expecting it to happen. My grandma is a mess, she still cries every time I visit her.

About three weeks ago, I lost my second grandfather. He suddenly got sick and ended up with sepsis. I managed to see him before he went to the hospital 2 months ago.

It's not just my pain that is unbearable. It was hard to be on my prom without my mom, to be accepted to college without her saying " Congratulations sweetie, I knew you'd make it". She was always proud of me after a PTA meeting because she'd hear only praise from my teachers. It's hard to visit my grandma without my grandpa there. It's hard to hear my uncle's voice instead of my other grandpa every Sunday when I call.
It's even worse thinking how my sister, father, uncle and grandma feel. I want to cry just because they are in pain. I'd somehow get over it, I'd say to myself, as long as I see they are coping with it. My father has met another woman soon after my mom died and she is probably the reason he is doing ok. I'm sure he misses my mom, but I'm really glad he has found his girlfriend. I am still afraid that he might get sick soon as well. I feel like I have to expect the unexpected and assume everyone who is perfectly fine might die as well.

I'm also very sorry for my boyfriend of 3 years for having to cope with this. I wish he would find someone else who is emotionally functional every day of the week and not a wrecked ship like I am. Only a few even know what happened, so it gets very difficult to explain why I never mention my mum without crying. I cry or choke up every time someone asks about her.I avoid people from my school and others I've met before it happened. I want to rip my heart out every time I miss them. I feel like I'll never heal because every few months there's another tragedy just waiting to push me off a cliff. As if "God" is trying to see how much it would take me to become an emotionless doll. I was very religious before, but months after that New Year's, I just gave up on such a cruel god. I wish I could last over a month without viciously crying.

Comments for Three losses in 2 years

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Feb 08, 2014
Three losses in 2 years
by: Doreen UK

Veronika I am sorry for your loss of your Mom and your grandpa and all the other losses of people from your young life. You are so young to have to cope with all these losses. You have coped well and don't underestimate your strength and ability to go through this grief.
Just don't be so strong that you feel you have to look after everyone else so they don't hurt. You will deny them their own healing experience from grief. Everyone has to go through their own experience, to see them in pain is hard, but they will recover. Stay close to your grandma. Don't avoid your friends and boyfriend. You didn't make yourself feel the way you do. DEATH DID THIS. Death robs us of so much. BUT. we have to face our pain ONE DAY AT A TIME. Till the hurt starts to get less.
Grief assaults us and makes us feel bad about ourselves because of our memories. Do something good for yourself each day and build on this. Till you start to LOVE YOURSELF. Your self esteem has taken as battering and you feel bad about yourself thinking your boyfriend should not have you and find someone else. This is negative. Don't lean into these negative feelings. Replace these thoughts with good thoughts and build yourself up each day. You feel this way because you still needed your mother's nurturing and she is not here to do it for you. Often when we have no one to build us up with confidence. WE HAVE TO DO THIS FOR OURSELVES. WE owe it to ourselves to be HAPPY AGAIN. Remember your young sister will be learning from you all the time. Give her a Happy Positive YOU. Surround yourself with beauty. It will soon show through you. You will draw people to you. They will want to be around you because you make them also feel better about themselves. I did it so I know it works. If you still struggle with your feelings then you could benefit talking to a counsellor. They are trained and skilled. You will look back and just see this as a problem that made you a better person. Live your life with happiness.

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