THREE YEARS IN THE NEW NORMAL AND COUNTING
Hi everyone it's Judy from Florida
I also am coming up on three years without my Barry. I still dread the holiday season but even that is better than it was. I make a real effort not to be alone.
When I think about the past three years I am amazed at how quickly it has actually passed, and how on occasion I still feel like Barry's passing was yesterday. I still miss him eveyday but not in the gut wrenching way I did at first. I still catch myself talking aloud to him sometimes when I see somethng I know he would love. I miss him most in times like those, ordinary moments that make up the fabric of our days.
I have been surprised how independent I have become and how I have come to enjoy, even crave, solitude. I walk along in the world alone now, shop alone, eat alone, clean house alone, sleep alone, make all my decisions alone and live with the consequences. So far I haven't messed up too badly.
I don't seem to be very adept at making friends. So be it. This is a benefits of growing older that no one mentions. You really do begin to enjoy your own company. I still hope to find another companion one day but if not I'll still be ok.
I don't live by any clock anymore- there's no one at home to care. I eat strange things for dinner or skip it and run around all day Saturday in my pajamas sometimes. I watch crazy reality shows without guilt. I baby my cat and give her milk on the counter top. Sometimes I even leave the dishes. I am becoming a wild woman!
I have never felt like Barry has come to me, nor have I ever had a sense he is watching over me. I've wanted this, I have wished for it but it never happened. Maybe someone is advising him to cut me off so I can go on.
I still have no clue as to what tomorrow will bring, much less my previously planned out future. What will be will be. You can plan all you want but in the end the man upstairs directs things. I'm not afraid of much anymore. I'll get through it whatever it is.
To all of you here who have been beside me on this crazy road, thank you. We are all gonna make it.