Til the End of Time

by Enjolie Dunn
(Fayetteville NC)

I lost my mother 3 days before my 31st bday on March 2, 2013. I am a mother of 3 who was very close to my mother. We had a rough beginning to our relationship because my grandmother raised me and I had a lot of resentment towards her. I found out on Thanksgiving that she had only a few months to live but had been battling pulmonary fibrosis and COPD since 2007. I was in total disbelief. I repeatedly told the doctor that i didnt believe she was going to die. I believed that God would heal her. I was sure that God wouldnt get her and i so close then take her away from me. We had missed so many years of loving one another and I refused to believe that this was the end. She laid in that hospital for almost 4 months and fought hard as she could to stay alive. I was by her side every weekend until she passed away. I am doing my best to cope with losing her but at times I get into those crying spells and cant come out. I dont cry as much when the kids are home but while they are in school all i can do is lie around and cry. I asked my mom what was I going to do without her? She kept saying...you are going to be successful and raise my grandkids the best way possible. You see, my mom and I had gotten so close in the past 3 years. She did everything for me and my kids. Im lost without her. I use to call her every morning before work, during lunch and after getting the kids from daycare. I think this is where my deep hurt comes from...not being able to call and hear her voice. Each day I get a little stronger but Im still standing still in tears. I havent returned to work yet and school starts over for me in a few weeks. I just dont know where to go from here.....she was my EVERYTHING!! But UNTIL THE END OF TIME....I will always have her in my heart!!!

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Apr 01, 2013
Thanks to Everyone for the Comments
by: Enjolie Dunn

Thank YOU all for the comments and kind words. Yesterday was hard for me. It was my first Easter without her. I cried all night and got no rest. I am still crying now. I have been running up and down the road visiting friends and family to avoid being home alone and crying all day. The financial part of the traveling and grieving is killing me but I am just doin what my heart tells me. I guess I will regret it later down the road. but is it helping me? Just a little bit. when Im with friends and family I can talk about her openly and laugh and cry. But it seems like when Im alone, it hurts more. I know that sounds crazy but its how I honestly feel. But I want each and everyone one of you to know that reading your comments were very helpful. Its nice to know that what I feel is not abnormal and that others can at least relate to the pain im feeling. Its an empty feeling and it hurts down to the core of my soul. I just have a hard time accepting that I can never pick up the phone and call her again. That hurts the MOST!!

Mar 31, 2013
Been there too
by: Gary

Like you I had a rough start. My mom didn't want me as a child. I suffered abandonment and rejection. My adult relationship with my mom was great. Think about this. You may have two memories struggling inside you. The abandonment as a child (anger,fear, rejection and the list goes on) and connection (love) as an adult. In my case and maybe yours the adult connection was like a lifeline from a bad childhood. I embraced my adult relationship with both arms fearing I'd lose her as I (we) did as a child. Your greatest fear which was losing her again just came true. My grief stages were difficult but remember what you had at the end. Don't be afraid to reach out and tell your story to whomever, it helps.

Mar 29, 2013
The storm will be calmed
by: Anonymous

Dearest Enjolie

You are so sad but so completely normal and my heart goes out to you. I lost my Mum six months ago and I know exactly what you're going through. However, as hard as it is to accept right now, you will feel better someday.

Grieve as much as you need to, love your Mum and cry for her as much as you need to. It is the only way we can let our mothers know of our devastation and sadness and of our undying love for them. However, please know that someday the storm inside you will be calmed and you will be able to look back with gratitude and happiness for the good things: the reconciliation with your Mum, and the love which you were able to share in your last few years together.

I wish you strength.

Veronica

Mar 29, 2013
Til the end of Time
by: Doreen U.K.

Enjolie I am sorry for your loss of your dear mother. If you are struggling with your grief you may benefit from talking to a grief counsellor who is trained to support you so that your pain is more manageable. Crying is actually a large part of your grief so don't worry too much about this. If you don't feel like doing anything. DON'T. Grief wears the body out and tires you. You only need to do the essential e.g. cooking a meal and washing the clothes. Anything else can wait. I lay around for months. I lost my motivation to do anything. I am still doing the bare minimum. I clear up a little each day till it is done. I don't do more than I am able to. I don't know when this will change. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 10 months ago and feel as if my world has ended. I prayed for my husband's healing. I had emails going all over the world for prayer and healing. I was so sure my husband would be healed. One reason I didn't say Good-bye. If I had said Good-bye this would show a lack of FAITH. I saw my husband draw his last breath and I couldn't believe it. I was angry with God for a long time. I still have days when nothing makes sense. Some preachers will say. "I don't know why God will Heal some people and other's don't get healing?" other times preachers say If you have strong Faith you will get a healing because God says he wants us to prosper and be in good health. This to me is an unreality. I spend my days all alone and this doesn't make sense. Take one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead. You will get through this grief. But it is so very painful. A pain that you can't imagine till you go through it. Try and get a good family support behind you. This makes a big difference.

Mar 29, 2013
Til The End of Time
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Enjolie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It will be 37 years on June 25th, my mom died. I was 29 with 5 children; my baby only 3 months old.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Like you, I talked to my mom everyday. Her phone call was the first everyday. After her death, I still remember how I would go to the phone to call her and start to cry, remembering I would no longer hear her voice. After all this time, I still try to remember her voice. I was devastated by her death. I remember my husband taking my hand and walking with me on the cemetery as I sobbed.
My dad lived to be 83, mom was only 50. He lived 30 years without her. It will be 7 years April 30th since his death.
Now to the present; it will be 2 years on June 27th, that my husband died. He died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary, from a massive heart attack. I am just slowly learning how to live without him. It isn't easy but we learn to go on without them, keeping them in our heart.
Cherish the memories of your mom. After moms death, there were times I did or said something, and I would say, oh my God I sound just like mom or mom would have done the same thing I just did. It is amazing, they are always with us.
My grief over my husband is sometimes so overwhelming, yet, I know I will go on without him. My life is forever changed. My adult children tell me they want me to be happy again. I tell them, it won't ever be the same. They tell me they realize that, they lost their dad. But, losing a spouse is so different than losing a parent.
I just wanted to let you know, you will always cherish her memory, but learn to go on without her.

Mar 29, 2013
Loss Teaches US
by: Judith in California

Dear Engjolie, you say you don't know where to go from here in your grief. But deep down you know your Mom expectd you to follow her words to you "..you are going to be successful and raise my grandkids the best way possible". That must be your focus.

First you grieve as hard a you can, pray to God for the strength to get through it all. And each day one second, one breath, one day at a time your goal is to show your children how to become the best they can be.

God Bless you.

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