Tillie my dear little friend
My Little Girl (with my handbag)
Tillie was just 6 years old, she was a gentle and timid soul, she did not like to go outside in the day time and only after dark to use the bathroom. Tillie, like most cats had her favourite places to sit in. Evenings usually spent with me, sitting between me and the arm of the chair with her face, and paws on my lap, gradually edging closer and closer until she was almost welded to my leg!
Tillie tended to follow me around, even into the bathroom, heaven knows how many times I told her that I need some privacy :-), I would give the world for her to be doing it now though.
Tillie always had a sensitive tummy, and would vomit intermittently, perhaps just a couple of times a year. She started vomiting more frequently and so I tried changing her cat food. My daughter has Tillie's brother and he is on Vet prescribed cat food, finally last Saturday at my wits end, having tried various sensitive cat foods recommended by pet stores, I asked if I could let her try some of Ford's (her brother) food. I did this, she gobbled it up and was fine, sadly this did not last, on Monday - when I had planned to take her to the vet to get some of the food prescribed for her, she was sick yet again.
The vet trip was like my worst nightmare, not that they weren't kind, but within just a couple of minutes of examining my Tillie, the vet said it was not good news. He recommended that I either let her go there and then, or take her home for a few days but definitely bring her back later this week. My daughter arrived, and I had to take time out to get myself together, I was devastated and felt violently ill, I had not expected this. I admit that a small niggle had been at the back of my mind, but really did not think too much of it. I decided the kindest thing to do for her and for me was to say goodbye then and there, not put her through the trauma of being packed into the box two more times and transported back and forth (she hated this). It seemed Tillie was beginning to starve to keep her longer would have been unkind. So I kissed her, and told her I loved her and that if I could make her better I would, but I couldn't. The vet let me leave my car for a couple of hours, I was not up to driving, and went home with my daughter which was good, as my daughter knew my cat, our cats are part of our family.
However, the grief and remorse I have felt ever since have been dreadful. I felt I had deprived her of a few more days of life, a few more days of cuddles and doing what she liked. The problem was that although she was very ill, she did not overly appear to be so.
The places she sat, her hairs still being found, saying hello first thing in the morning, touching her last thing at night, the endless things that I did with her are so ingrained in me that I am finding it really hard to get over this. It is only 5 days, and early yet I know. But I miss her so dreadfully. My husband, not really a pet owner, tries to understand, but her really doesn't get it. I lost a very dear friend last year, and I am quite guilty at being more upset about my Tillie than my friend. But she was so much a part of my every day life, and the gap is enormous. I cannot think another cat would ever take her place, she fitted in so well with our way of life, and we with hers. I know other people who have been through the same trauma, but though this helps a bit, the pain lingers on.
I just wanted to write a tribute to my darling little girl, and let her know how loved she was and how missed she is. Though I feel sure she knew this.