Time Doesn't Close The Wound But It Does Ease The Pain
I'm signing off this website after almost two years. I don't know what I would have done without this site for the first year after my husband passed away. It will be two years on December 3rd. December 3, 2010 will forever live in my mind as the most horrible day of my life. I awoke that morning never dreaming it would be my husband's last day.
In the two years since his passing I have gone from spending the first 60 days slowly coming out of the fetal position to finally beginning to realize that I can do this on my own. Although my first Christmas without him was Christmas 2010 I have very little memory of it. Just a fog. Last Christmas seemed like the first. Holidays are just not fun without him. I don't think the ever will be the same again but I will do the best I can and remind myself what we are really celebrating and keep the ole' chin up for my grandchildren.
For the first year following Joe's death I bounced between being made at everything and everyone around me for not understanding what I was going through and being totally mad at my husband for leaving me. If he had only taken better care of himself.....I was terrified of life without him. I didn't know who I was after being married for so long.
Our first wedding anniversary after his death found me so angry at him that I curse him out for 1/2 the day....then felt bad for doing it for the next 1/2.
None of my friends had lost their spouses at the time of his death. Although they all tried to be very supportive they just didn't "get it." Still none of my friends have lost their husbands and I will know now how to be extra supportive of them when they do.
I lost my sister on June 12 of this year followed by my mother 30 days later. I think I was numb as I walked into the same funeral home we held Joe's wake in. NOTHING hurt like losing him. My mother had a good long life and my sister's health problems are now behind her. God bless them both.
I have a new job now and I have completely come to terms with my husband's death. I miss him dearly and wish he was still here with us all. He fought so bravely and I love him for that.
My little grandsons don't ask about him anymore and that breaks my heart.
I just want everyone out there to know that it does get better. I didn't believe it for the first year. I was numb all over and tried not to feel anything. I avoided my feelings but that caught up with me.
I have moved on. I will never forget the 38 years we had together. I was 19 when we met. Such a little girl really. He was all I knew of this life. I've had to find and reinvent myself. Things are going well and I am actually starting to feel optimistic about my future.
Don't give up.....have faith in God....and know that you will see your loved one again some day. We all have to live our lives to make them proud and remember them every day. Joe will always be my husband in my heart. He will live there until it is time for me to join him.
God bless you all and have a wonderful holiday season. This web site literally saved my life. Time to move on. Thank you all for your wonderful and supportive comments. I read and re-read every one of them. LUV.