Time is dragging me along
I come to this website to salve my wounds. In the beginning I would write a lot more. Now I come to read to try and see if anyone has found some magic way to stop the hurt. It has now been one year and six months for me. No one yet has seemingly found a way to stop the hurt. I still cry daily at triggers that seem to find a way into my life. I struggle. I keep busy but it is meaningless. I don’t believe that any “god” would bestow such anguish on a mind. I have no desire to do anything more than what is necessary to pay bills. That’s what it has come to. No one to share anymore. The aloneness is a dark black hole that has taken up residence.
When I really think hard about the death of the love of my life I can’t fathom how I am supposed to continue without him. I don’t live in the other world anymore. The pain is still so deep and I isolate myself because I don’t want to be with people because at some point it always triggers another meltdown. I have to say “why” I am doing what I am. Then I remember how much I hate not having the love of my life beside me. The suggestions to get out and how in time the pain lessens may work for some but I can only hope that my time in this pain is short. The pain is real and every moment is shadowed by the loss. The void. The inevitability that there never will be another moment with the force that made my life worth living. To know it is gone and not know where or what or why is more than I want or can deal with.
I may be alive but I am not living. This other worldy dimension that I inhabit now is slowly devouring me and from what I read here there seems to be a lot of the same feeling from those whose loves were too much a part of ourselves. Sure we try. I have tried and tried and tried because I am here but there is no magic now. It’s gone. Pretending is all that is left.