Time is dragging me along

I come to this website to salve my wounds. In the beginning I would write a lot more. Now I come to read to try and see if anyone has found some magic way to stop the hurt. It has now been one year and six months for me. No one yet has seemingly found a way to stop the hurt. I still cry daily at triggers that seem to find a way into my life. I struggle. I keep busy but it is meaningless. I don’t believe that any “god” would bestow such anguish on a mind. I have no desire to do anything more than what is necessary to pay bills. That’s what it has come to. No one to share anymore. The aloneness is a dark black hole that has taken up residence.
When I really think hard about the death of the love of my life I can’t fathom how I am supposed to continue without him. I don’t live in the other world anymore. The pain is still so deep and I isolate myself because I don’t want to be with people because at some point it always triggers another meltdown. I have to say “why” I am doing what I am. Then I remember how much I hate not having the love of my life beside me. The suggestions to get out and how in time the pain lessens may work for some but I can only hope that my time in this pain is short. The pain is real and every moment is shadowed by the loss. The void. The inevitability that there never will be another moment with the force that made my life worth living. To know it is gone and not know where or what or why is more than I want or can deal with.
I may be alive but I am not living. This other worldy dimension that I inhabit now is slowly devouring me and from what I read here there seems to be a lot of the same feeling from those whose loves were too much a part of ourselves. Sure we try. I have tried and tried and tried because I am here but there is no magic now. It’s gone. Pretending is all that is left.

Comments for Time is dragging me along

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Jul 21, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Michelle You question how can you feel at ground zero 1 18 months on? and you feel like you belong on the island of misfits. You need to start ONE DAY AT A TIME to start building yourself up even if you don't feel like it. DO IT. Do it for Megan till you can learn to love yourself back into life and do it for YOU! You are showing depression, and if you are like me and don't want medication you can use strategies of building yourself up to help minimise this depression. It is so difficult to get one's motivation back to do anything. It feels as if we have had the stuffing knocked out of us and we just can't go on even if we tried. You lost a precious part of you and I can understand you being angry and bitter. Only with the help of God can you change how you feel. WE do have our limitations about how much we can help ourselves. You must be feeling as if you have no energy to do anything and don't know how? or where to start. I have 2 daughters and one son. I lost my husband 2yrs. ago to cancer and the two older ones are married and living their own lives. The youngest at 33yrs. is still living at home but working full time. I do have the CHOICE as a RETIREE to do nothing if this is how I feel. I do love my freedom to do what I want. I FOCUS on this and it helps me on those down days. I now do 2 X 10 minute walks on the treadmill and want to keep this up as I feel good doing this. It gives me a sense of wellbeing and also with exercise helping with any depression. I hope I can keep this up with a painful arthritic knee which lets me down. This works for me. You will one day (however long it takes) find that you are able to get back in life. You need A REASON TO LIVE. You don't have a REASON at the moment. I can understand this. But don't start thinking this is abnormal and you are a misfit. It is not true. BUILDING YOURSELF UP!!!! However you do this is going to be a good start to help you feeling better about life. We are here and we have no CHOICE. Make the most of it. My husband did not enjoy life because of a heavy work schedule. ALL WORK for 47yrs. He couldn't take a holiday because he worked around the world. So to come home for him was a break. He then gets the worst cancer and a 3yrs.39days battle. He was crushed. He wanted to LIVE. The reality of Him going to die was hard on him and all of us. Find a reason to Live. Write back as often as you need to do this, even if nothing has changed and you still feel the same way. Just expressing how your feel, HERE on this site will help you. No one will judge you for it.

Jul 20, 2014
to Michelle
by: Anonymous--MI

Dear Michelle, I read your post and my heart hurts for you in loosing your dear Megan. There are no words I have to make you feel better but I want you to know that I care about you and even though it was my husband that I lost, you and I and all on this site are in sorrow. We have an empty place in our hearts where our loves were. I pray that somehow, in time, God will grant us peace of mind and joy. Your son may be 600 miles away but he still needs your love and you need his. I struggle every day with resentment and anger that other couples still have each other and my husband is gone. I pray and pray and ask God to help me with this problem. We all are trying to deal with grief and loss and it is one awful job that only God can help with. May God give us His great love and mercy.

Jul 20, 2014
by: Michelle

Although I did not lose my husband, I lost the largest part of me and the very reason I lived,.... My 22 year old daughter Megan.
It's has been a year and a half and I am still at ground zero, day 1. I do what I must and I exist but I do not live life. I could care less if the sun came up tomorrow and still pray for death. I have become bitter and anger consumes me. I have a son who lives 600 miles away but I no longer feel like a mother. How can this be? I feel like I belong on the island of misfits.

Jul 20, 2014
Time is our only friend
by: Judith in California

Dear , one year is still early in the grieving process. You are just realizing that he will never walk through your door again the . It's finally sinking in and it's most awful dreadful feeling in the world.
It's normal for us to be in our own heads and grief because of our greatest loss.

Each one of us deal with our grief in different ways and we are hoping to find purpose again. Our sole and main purpose was our husbands or wives for so many years . Some of us cme to this site to offer help and ideas to help those who have loss after us. WE want to let you know that life is different but it doesn't have to stop. God will take us in time , no need to rush it. But until that time we must do something to count. Our mates are safe in Heaven and no longer suffering .

My only hope for you is that, in time, you will find something to be passionate bout that will take up your time and make you feel a purpose again. It doesn't have to be someone, but something like getting involved with your community and trying to make it a better place. Or join a music group or go back to things you used to do that you really liked and enjoyed but gave up to be married. It's all about learning to live in your "new normal". It has taken me almost 4 years to find something to feel passionate about and take up time so I don't focus so much on being alone and not a part of this world. I became a board member for our HOA and become involved in cleaning up trash and such because I hate the way folks just dump it any where and all over. Sometimes I'm so tired I fall asleep before I can finish my prayers. I found some women friends and we go out to dine and enjoy our talks. Having women friends is very important and supportive. I also find answers for people who have no resources of thier own. Help a neighbor to cut overgrown branches or bushes or take them to an appointment if they don't have a car or don't drive.

We must connect with others and help where we can. WE musn't sit in our homes for too long and isolate ourselves.

My husband must be looking down form heaven and thinking " She's still caring about our community, bless her heart."

But like I say , this will take you some time to find again.

I pray for you peace and acceptance at the end of your horrible roller coaster ride of grief.

Jul 20, 2014
Time is dragging me along
by: Jane

14 months my Mom is death now and I still miss her like on the first day, even every day a little bit more. When I go out to visit a Girl friend and than I come back home, I cry and cry and cry. When I didn´t cry for one day, the next few days gonna be real worse. Oh Mom, I know you don´t want me to cry so much, but my heart is still bleeding. I hope one day you will me proud of me, that I am your daughter. To accept the grief as an part from me now is so difficult. But I have to, because I cannot shuttle it up and I am still looking to fore what it is worth to live too. Yes you are so right than you write I may be alive but I am not living. That´s exactly how I feel too. Well I tried it too. But now I have no more power and I just let God do it. I am too tired. I just do the things I really have to and that is quiet enough. God can do with me what ever he wants now. I don´t care, I let him do. I don´t know what to say to you, what is helping you. I wish I could close you just in my arms without any words. I really don´t know how I came to this Website, because I live in Germany. When I was 23 years old I worked at the American McKee Barracks and there I found to the Lord. I was a Clerk and I have to go to the church to look for how bad the walls are,because they wanted them to get a new color. The Chaplain there showed me the whole church, and I told him, that I am not believing in God and that I dont go to church. It didn´t bother him. He put his arm around me and said, this is okay. A few days later I have had to go to the church again with the paperwork, and on the way back to my Office, there comes something like a lightning from heaven and it hits me, because I was just standing there. From this moment on my life got changed. But this would be a longer story. I don´t know, if you would like to read that, because all of you a grieving and my self too. But maybe God brought me to you all, because the way to god I found in the english language. Isn´t it funny, how God works? May God hold his comfort hands over you and bless you.

Jul 19, 2014
Time is dragging me along
by: Doreen UK

I think that you hit the nail on the head in how you expressed how life is for you today, and nothing has changed. As long as your husband is not in your world it doesn't make sense. How can one go on in life. In the physical realm it is much easier to accept a broken leg will heal. But an amputation won't. Their struggle can go on for many years as it affects the whole psyche, emotions, feelings. We don't know how to repair this damage of loss. Sure we can absorb what everyone says to us here on this site including me, that life will get easier in time, and we will recover from our grief. BUT WHEN!!! We hurt NOW. We have this VOID in our life. Some of us are between 1.5 and 4yrs into our grief and a few longer than this and it still hurts. WE try and encourage each other, but in reality this is all we can do to help pick up each other when they are having it difficult. But you are right. WE all hate what death did to us and where we are still at in our suffering. Many who understand God are surprised then they get angry with Him like I did but didn't want to. Because I have walked with God all my life and know Him. But I didn't know what Grief felt like, and the loss of a husband which tears at your heart and very soul being ONE PERSON. How can we not feel this Pain. It is like an AMPUTATION. It doesn't matter how busy we get to restructure our day, inside we feel the same. In my trials and tribulations of life I have become Stronger, developed Faith, but then THIS. Loss of a husband does to a degree destroy us. Which is why I encourage everyone in my posts to NURTURE themselves back into life. It is this tender care to one's self that is going to build us up and help us endure the storms of life. Each tragedy like the plane crashes and planes shot down taking many lives just supports my argument that the Universe is still hurting and now more families are going to be forced into grief as we are, having lost their loves ones. How can we not be touched by such tragedy. It then becomes a trigger once more for our own grief. It will take us YEARS to recover from our grief. Your experience of what you are still going through serves to remind us what we have lost when our beloved husband/wives died. All I can do is to Hold you up before God and Plead for His Mercy over your life in the grief you bear. To ask for His Comfort, strength, and Peace to walk with you each day.

Jul 19, 2014
Feel so Alone
by: Josie

We all here have suffered the loss of a loved one or loved ones. In my case all my three brothers have died the last one being on Mother's day last year along with my Mom and Dad I am the only one left the only girl. I am divorced and my kids give me no support they tell me to get over it I have them and my grandchildren. No one understands until they go through it. My heart goes out to you but please Don't give up your faith in the Lord. If you truly believe in God then you know your loved one is in paradise and we will all be reunited. I will be praying for you and give you strength sometimes we have to take minute by minute to get by and remember your love would not want to see you so sad and giving up. Please talk to a support group or your pastor and it's ok to let the tears flow grieving does not have a timetable. If you are isolating yourself please talk to your dr you might need anti-depressants. I have to take them because I couldn't handle it all. I was also told to keep a journal and that has seemed to help. God bless you and please take care.

Jul 18, 2014
by: Anonymous--MI

Yes, time is dragging us along. I know how you feel. I know the stabbing pain in you heart when other couples are together and we have lost our beloved other half. I feel so sad and cry every day also; my husband and I were married 43 yrs; we were high school sweethearts and our love was for each other only. I miss him more each day and some times I feel like I am drowning when I have to swallow away the tears and lump in my throat. I am sick of people thinking they know how I feel when, in fact, they haven't a clue. I feel like pushing them down on the ground when they say such stupid things to me. They cannot know my pain; not until they have had this raw horrible event come into their lives. I did not know how a widow or widower felt until I lost my husband, but I hope and pray I did not say such flip and careless things to those in grief. But, what I do have is the best possible answer to being able to go on as time is dragging me and that is Jesus Christ, my savior, who gives me hope and assurance that I will see my husband again in heaven. How it will be in heaven---I don't know, but I know that it will be perfect and without pain, tears, sorrow and grief. I cling to God to forgive me for being angry with Him. We are all appointed a time to be born and a time to die. We all must leave this earth at a given time. I hope you can turn your face to Jesus and ask for His comfort and peace. It will come; in a whisper--a little breeze on your face or in the faces of sweet children. Yes, there is no magic to take our sorrow away; this life is real and God is real; He does not give us magic to feel better. Instead He gives me peace of mind that I will have eternal life with Him and not in the dregs of Hell. I will be with my husband and family and friends that have already gone. For your only help in this awful journey of grief please seek the Lord. Of many things I am not sure of but God's mercy and grace I truly know this is real. May God bless you and all on this site.

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