I am so tired of being strong. Of everybody saying I will be OK. I am not OK. I am so lonely all the time. All I want is my Roger holding me one more time. They say it gets better. Eight months in a few days and I miss him more today than ever. I don't know if I can go on. I pretend things are fine but inside I am in such pain.
I never could have, would have realized how really exhausting this process of grief can be. I am so weary all the time. I get home from work and take a nap, then off to bed early in the evenings. It's hard to keep my eyes open and to keep going. Next week it will be six months since my husband died. I feel more lonely and tired now than I have all winter. I sometimes feel a twinge of Spring Fever coming on, but then my motivation goes away when I become aware that the only person I would want to celebrate with is gone. I know this is just a physical response to an emotional crisis, but it is so depressing, and although intellectually I know to ride the wave, I wish it would all just feel better - - right now! We are are in this together, and knowing we're not alone in the way we feel helps make it seem normal, and I hope when we're all feeling stronger, we'll all be here to celebrate that together, too.
Still greving by: Anonymous
I was 8 years old when I lost my dad in 1958. I miss him every day. I don't think I will ever get over it. I just had such a lonely childhood. Being the oldest of 3 children I felt like I had to take care of everyone. I really don't remember being a child. My mother was "grieving" herself so she forgot about how to take care of us. Her sister thought that she should get on with her life so she started to introduce her to men that hung out in the bars. She dated several men and became very defensive towards us kids. She didn't feel like she needed to explain to us "snot nosed brats" why she didn't come home all night or why she would bring a man home when (I had a sister that was 2 years old and one just a baby) she thought I was sound asleep. Little did she know that I heard all of the moaning in the bedroom across the hall in the middle of the night, I can still hear it in my mind. She ended up getting married to a drunk who had been single all of his life. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Oh, she knew how his behavior affected the family but she was "grieving" & she needed attention I guess.
I truly understand by: Terri
I did not lose anyone, but I lost myself in a car accident and have been in recovery for 15 months. I too am lonely and people tell me how strong I am and how I should feel, but all I want to do is cry or sleep. I have been asked if I need to be on antidepressants, but I am positive it is just the situation I am in. You see I just had another surgery to 'fix' my left femur, and am set back to wheeling around in a wheelchair again, so I am not feeling 'chipper' and am being told I should be feeling happy that I am done with surgeries and am going to be done with this. Everyone else has moved on and are looking at me wondering why I am so upset... Its frustrating.
Tired by: Judy
Yvonne,
Of course you are tired. Grief is hard hard work and by now you will be at the point where everyone else has moved on with their lives and they can't understand why you haven't "moved on" also. Your son is well meaning but he can't possibly understand the depth of your loss.
Look back over some of the earlier posting you will find here. You will see us talking about masks, shells, things that we did, and do still, to go about in the world while still sad and lonely inside. We have all been there.
Loneliness seems to be the constant companion of widows. But we are here.
JM
JESUS CARES by: Anonymous
YVONNE, ITS BEEN 14 MONTHS SINCE MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IM STILL GRIEVING I MISS HIM SO MUCH BUT IT KEEPS THE GOOD MEMORIES ALIVE I HAD A GOOD DREAM LAST NIGHT ABOUT DANIEL AND I WOKE UP CRYING CAUSE IT SEEMED SO REAL BUT ANY WAY HE KNEW THE LORD WHICH IM VERY HAPPY IM ALSO A CHRISTIAN HE ALWAYS LOVED TO PREACH ON LINE HE HAD A MINISTRY ONLINE SOMETIME I THINK ITS MEANT FOR ME TO HAVE MY OWN MINISTRY SO I KNOW I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY ILL NEVER TURN MY BACK ON JESUS. JESUS LOVES YOU AND CARES FOR YOU AND KNOWS YOUR PAIN. GOD BLESS YOU! AH
Tired too by: Judith
Yvonne, I too am always told how strong I am. and to this who tell me to be strong now I say , do you think a weak person can go through this? Going through grief is not for the weak . They can't see how strong we have to be to get up each day knowing our lives are sad and full of pain. We have to get through each night without our loves beside us. We have to be by ourselves with out hugs, kisses and being told we are loved. Surviving that each minute is not for the weak.
We all have our moments of not wanting to go on because we're heartbroken and it is painful.
Yvonne you take care and if you find yourself stuck in grief then seek a support group or a counselor who specializes in Grief.
Talking to God and your late husband is a good way to help you heal.
tired too... by: Tony
I lost my mom last month, not married, but still a loss, Yvonne, I feel tired most of the time, too. Grieving is hard work, you are not alone here, if no friends of yours will hug you, and someone should, then give yourself a hug and deep slow breathing might give a little relief. Maybe not a lot, but some. Stay away from those who tell you to stay strong, if you can, and pray, prayer helps me, and cry if you have to, its your right.
I Hear You by: Patti
Today my son said, "Mom....it's been almost 4 months. Dad would want you to go on." I know he would. I don't feel like I want to. Life just isn't enjoyable anymore. I miss my husband so much. He was my reason for living. Without him life seems so pointless.
I know I have to leave it up to God. What is his plan for me? I have no idea. All I know is the future scares me half to death. I've been told my whole life what a strong woman I am. I don't feel very strong right now.
I hear you Yvonne. It's not much fun. I'm tired too. I hope God is good to both of us sometime soon. I hope you find some happiness in your day. God bless.
Me too... by:
Yvonne,
Gee I wish that one day you just wake up and feel O.K. But the truth is though it does get a tad easier as time passes it never goes away completely. I had a good 3 weeks where things felt as normal as possible in 15 months and today as the sun shines & the birds sing, I sigh.
I hope that it is not the downward plunge of grief (again). Just remember that tomorrow is another day and you do not have to be strong always. None of us are. Just try to survive the day and I promise better days to come. Do not let anyone hurry you in your grief take things as you need too. HH
Tired all the time by: Paula
Yvonne, Don't give up!! I don't know what your situation is, new to this forum, but I've been to counseling, researched everything on grief and depression, and I can feel your pain. You need to seek counseling and stay in touch with your internet friends.
I, too have found it hard to get out, mingle, I'm tired, but you have to do what Roger would want you to do to make your life better. I don't think he would want you to hurt like this.
Stay in touch, and if you need anyone to talk to there is a number you can call - 211. They will put you in touch with grief counselors if you want. Do you have family and friends who are helping?
