to late for sorries.

by shaz
(wales,united kingdom)

a week today my beautiful partner nige was taken away from me,and I wasnt there to hold him when he died.we had shared 5 years together. when I met him I fell in love with him instantly.we were soulmates,the bond between us was like a magnet.he was funny,loving,kind,protective and so beautiful to me. unfortuneately a stupid small arguement parted us for a few weeks and we never got the chance to make it left devastated,torn and full of guilt that I never got around to seeing him,holding him and most of all making it up with him Ive cried so much it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.the pain inside is tearing me apart and all I want to do is scream and scream. my wish is that I had gone with him,and that he hadnt left me behind.but most of all I wish we hadnt been so stubborn.we had a wonderful love and a closeness that ive never felt ever before,and neither will I feel it again. why has it happened to us? why cant i breathe properly? how do I cope with this pain and agony thats tearing me to pieces? and why my love did you leave me all alone? I do not know the cause of why my beautiful man was taken away yet,and im also waiting to see him for the last time.I cant get to grips how will I be able to let go of him.I would give anything to feel his touch,to see his cheeky smile and to hear his loving voice again. I am so overwhelmed with sadness and guilt I feel as my heart is breaking to pieces.I cant cope,im hurting its so painfull.I just want to die to be with him

Comments for to late for sorries.

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 16, 2012
dust to dust
by: shaz

i buried you yesterday,much of it was in a haze.all the flowers and sympathy words mean nothing when i leave you down in that hole.i wanted to jump in with you and there i wanted to stay,but that wouldnt have made things diffrent,because gone you are.i sat at the wake watching the world move you were gone people were joking and laughing,it all seemed so wrong.inside i was sreaming and totally confused,how is it you are forgootten in just a short time.i had to leave as it was tearing me apart,these people around me would now move on to theyre lives,back to work and just normal my struggle starts,of living without you near me,and never hearing your voice again,only if i pull it out of my memory box,where everything about you is stored.the pain is stronger today,every part of me aches,my head hurts,my heart is broken in 2,my eyes constantly weeps.and i fear and worry you are alone in that hole.

Jun 12, 2012
too late for sorries
by: shaz

thank you trish for coming forth in your time of heart goes out to you as your words reflect so much of how im feeling.we can take comfort that it was a privelidge to have known our good men,and that what we shared with them,no one can ever take that away from are right to say you dont fully feel anymore,i feel that too.i only feel half alive,or half existing if thats what im doing.i await to see him,and i honestly feel scared,though at the same time i look forward to seeing him for one last thoughts feel surreal and totally out of character for me,out of control.i dread having to leave him go,and i know i really cant.i grieve on my own as his family have pushed me to one side.grief and death change peoples minds and feelings,its such a cruel time.please dont be hard on yourself,we all could have told our loved ones more often how much we loved them,but your husband knew,thats what makes the bond you had so wonderfull,there wasnt any need for heart and thoughts are with you trish.

Jun 11, 2012
It's Never Too Late
by: TrishJ

Shaz~I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been 18 months for me and I'm still nowhere near ready to let my husband go and I probably never will be. I know he will always have a place in my heart but thus far I have been unable to let any part of him go.
I am making progress though, I think. I'm finally able to look at old photos and recall the day with joy instead of that piercing pain. I know what a wonderful man I was married to. My biggest regret is that I didn't always tell him that. It's difficult to face life's challenges each day without our love here with us. We spent so many years growing as one and then suddenly we are torn in half. That's how I feel, half alive, half caring, half giving, half together. I'm trying but it doesn't happen over night.
I fear entering a new relationship because I would compare anyone to my husband. As I now realize I think I had one of a kind I don't think I would be able to settle for less. Some days I think I can actually feel his spiritual being with me. I miss that physical touch, hand holding, good night kisses, his laughter, his level head when things go wrong.
Hang in there Shaz. You will make your way to some peace eventually. Take each day as it comes and don't try too hard or berate yourself for not trying hard enough. Some days it's all we can do to get out of bed and put one foot in front the other.
One thing that can never be taken from you is Nige's love. You will always have that to keep ~ that's yours forever. He knows how you feel.
Hoping for strength for you.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!