To My Beloved Husband and Friend of 54 years
(Redmond, WA, USA)
Today I saw a man who looked just like you; he had on those gray pants you liked and a greenish jacket, plus the sneakers you always wore. He turned and smiled at me, and my heart broke. I cried all the way home. I could see YOU standing there with that same beautiful smile, those crystal blue eyes, and that lock of hair that always fell on your forehead.
The pain in my heart was beyond my endurance. '
What do I remember every minute of every day? I remember your smile, your love, your encouragement, your humor, and the way you always listened to me no matter how much I went on and on. You always made me feel that whatever I saying was important. You made me feel wonderful, you made me feel so loved unconditionally, you made me feel happy and contented.
I read that sometimes it takes years to start moving on from this kind of grief, but I know I never will be able to go through a day without the ache in my heart of not having you with me.
I see other couples our age walking and holding hands, and I am so envious. I wish it was us again. We used to walk every day before your heart became so fragile. I sometimes now walk along the forest, and I talk to you. I keep asking God to give me a sign that you are okay and that you are with Him, but, so far, no luck. Sometimes, if I see an eagle, knowing how much you loved them that it is you soaring through the sky. I ask God: is that him? Is he with you? Will you please take me home to join him soon? Would you please not make me stay here and endure this horrific suffering every day? I beg and plead, but I do not thing the Lord is going to answer my prayer. I am so afraid he will make me stay here and live out a lonely, sad life. Why is that? Why can't he just take me home so that I can be with you again? Why is that such a bad request?
Why does everyone tell me that I have to "go on"? Go on to what? I had 54 years of happiness and contentment, I am ready to go now.
I love you for being the wonderful, kind, positive, generous, loving man that God allowed into my life. My only hope now is that God will allow us to reunite. If I could know that, I could get through anything. I could wait patiently knowing that happiness was still possible. Right now, it is elusive and beyond my grasp.
Your loving wife,