To my husband, Hugo, whom I miss too much to bear
My husband was mine for 43 years, and we knew each other for 46 years. He passed away 10 days before our 44th wedding anniversary. In the beginning, I went through the stages of the funeral, burial, and then the difficult tasks of paperwork, etc., which is all a fog to me.
He was brave when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer-stage 4, already in his liver, etc., and he was brave during his treatments (to no avail); and when he took his last breath in my arms, only after I told him I'd be OK (a big lie), and to go to God, the light and to my parents waiting for him. From his diagnosis (without any signs or warnings)to his death, he worried about me, leaving me, leaving our home, and how I'd carry on. He knew me well: I am not carrying on at all; I say I try, but in fact, I find it very difficult to go on without him. He is not here; I hope he is out of pain and misery, but to be separated from him after living most of of my life with him is something I cannot put into words. The words pain, sorrow, despair, desperation, loneliness, don't come close to my emotions. Even anger creeps in.
He worked his entire life; it was our turn to change things--downsize from our big home and the cold winters here, and try to live healthy, until at least 80 years old. No, he died at 64, and he kept himself a young-looking 64, energetic, working at his job, around the house that he loved so much. Gone, just like that. No retirement, nothing.
I sometimes have feelings that he is sad he had to leave here, that he misses here, but people of "faith so strong" tell me he is happy in Heaven with God, and doesn't care about here any more. That part of his life is gone, and I find it difficult to understand or to believe.
Many, not just I, have these feelings, many cry like I do, and many women (I've read so many blogs about grief, etc.) wish the same things I do--to not wake up and to be with their deceased spouses.
God will never forgive this, will he? God sees and feels my pain, and maybe he will understand my weakness and forgive me. I don't know how to go on without my husband.
I just don't. I love, miss him so much.