To my son, Jacob
I couldn't believe the day you left me
I tried to be the brave soldier there,
To put my game face on once more
I was relieved you had no more pain to bear.
My disbelief kept me comforted
As we layed your soul to rest,
And though I knew you were in heaven
This was my most difficult test.
It's been 3 months ago last Saturday
Since that time, anger has taken hold,
And I have pushed away some loved ones
Even though they were good as gold.
When I let go of my anger
I know, what lies ahead,
It's the most awful sorrow
It, I really dread.
It's the kind that is gut wrenching
But tears and moans do not release,
It's the kind that is everlasting
No more happiness or peace.
You see, I was a better fighter
I had my arrogance in tact,
I thought I was a worthy opponent
To any blows, as a matter of fact.
I thought you and I would be okay
That nothing bad would come our way,
But on that day, only darkness
Came to stay.
I couldn't believe it was happening
How could this be,
To give you such a burden
For everyone to see.
I don't have insightful answers
I only know my heart is broken,
To see you suffer from day to day
But was never spoken.
The pain you beared
I saw firsthand,
But I was powerless
To lend a helping hand.
You know this already
I told the doctors to take,
Whatever from me they needed
So your life wouldn't be at stake.
But ofcourse cancer has no ending
And there's no magic cure,
But if I could have that day
I would have given all, I'm sure.
I'll always love you, my son
You were my sunshine,
I'll never forget how special I was in your eyes
And one day when I see you, I'll be fine.