To My Wife
Roughly 10 years ago we met. Not a perfect beginning, but we pulled through quickly, and fell in love. The next 6-7 years, we were inseperable best friends. We were a team. She is the one that proposed to me. She promised to be there forever. And in the afterlife. In her eyes it was real. Therefor mine. We grew very close. We started a great little business, and started doing very well. We got a little irresponsible before the economy turned, and financially started to go backwards. I always knew that her two weaknesses were being slightly naive, and a bit flighty, in a dream-chasing kind of way. I wrote it off as a lust for life. Embraced it and tried to keep her grounded, focused, happy. And I absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on.
She having not experienced a great life until then, instead of considering it a blessing...longed to see what else life could offer. She didn't realize that we had it made. I having been more weathered, did realize. We had made the dream real. It was unbelievable what we had achieved. Then, It was a matter of sitting back, maintaining it and basking in it. All was well..
Earlier in life we had also both had issues with addiction. Mine to alcohol, hers; alcohol and food. We were both recovering addicts, with no relapse during our marriage. Or so I thought. So when we started to lose it financially, I guess she had started looking for a place to run. But I didn't really know it, and Im not sure she was conviced herself what to do. I somehow came into some pain pills, and without even realizing it, fell back into addiction. It all happened so fast. I thought I was just having fun, a phase, and escaping. I believe it was right then, I lost her trust. I was temporarily someone she didn't recognize it scared her to death. There was no bailing, it was too late.
She met a low-life on social network, and ran to him without even knowing him. Ended up pregnant. Had his baby. She came home after they split to live with her mother, (alcoholic) that has her using again. ( I immediately got sober after the break up and realized my mistake. But it was too late. (my relapse was very brief)
So now we have been apart close to three years. I think about her every day. I cry almost everyday. I didn't realize how much I loved her. Nobody has ever come close to touching my life as she. We brought out the best in each other. I try to move on. But it seems rediculous. I have no interest in moving on no matter how I try. It is only her that I see. And my mistakes.
And I think she loves me. But She is not having it. I have tried so hard to get her to understand that it was just growing pains, and that we are met for each other. But now that she is using, I am worried that our chances are even slimmer. She has been completely unresponsive. I tell her to leave a message to say that she doesn't love me, to help me...but she can't do it. She can't seem to say anything.
I always read contradictory information, ..."let it go, if it is met to be she will come back"...blah...The one I stick with is "Never give up on someone you think about every day". The pain is unbearable. I have lost all my friends. I just keep waiting, and waiting. My latest strategy was to not try to contact her in any way. That has lasted a few weeks now. I have written her three letters and a song in the meantime, but have summoned the strength not to send them....I am torn between letting think I have moved on...or "being strong" for her, and let her know I will be there no matter what. I Know what I expect to hear for responses from people regarding this, but...I love her. I do. Even if she really doesn't. I think she is afraid that too much has happened, and it would be too hard to reconcile. But I feel like I could take her and her baby under my wing for the rest of our lives, and into the afterlife. It is all I want...still after nearly three years. We were so right for each other, at one time..and for a long time. I am completely lost....even my therapist doesnt really know what to say. Just triess to get me on meds.
Thank you for reading. I don't know what to do anymore..I am so sorry for everyone's pain and suffering here.