by Stacey Vermaak
I just lost my dad this morning and I don’t know what to do. “ I don’t know what I’m supposed to do”, keeps popping into my head, every 15 minutes or so (at least I think its 15 minutes) . It was my first reaction, together with the other question. Then I cried, but from shock I think, and now every 15 min or so it’s either “I don’t know what to do” or “What does it mean?”.
What are you supposed to do?
And what does it mean- for him? Where is he? GONE WHERE? And how can you even think of throwing his body into a hole in the ground if you’re not sure where he’s gone. Why has no one ever said that burying someone in the ground- someone you know and love, well that’s a really stupid way of doing things?
When I went to see him last week I believed that he was going somewhere, I mean there is something about being with someone near the end where it feels like they’re half with you, half somewhere else. And it makes you believe in something. I just wish I knew what.
My dad died a Christian, the way he raised me. I hope that was enough, or the right answer. I mean it’s pretty important that it’s the right answer, or maybe I just want so badly for him to have more that I saw what I wanted to see.
I hope I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.