Tonight I miss you (1973/10/17 - 2012/01/15) was supposed to be different
My sis was 2.7 years older than me. She was such a good person and she was my best friend. We used to chat for hours an on christmas day, ironically asked her what she thinks the new year would bring. It brought heart ache, sorrow, emptyness and fear for me. I am broken and I really miss her so much. I cannot stand the emptyness and heart ache. Im scared that in my life Id have to feel this again... I dont think Id survive!
She died from Acute myeloid cancer. She was diagnosed on the 10th of Jan and was gone the 15th.38 years old with two little kids (4mnths and 4 yrs). I just cannot accept or get my head around it... shes GONE! How do I survive this... i cannot go through life feeling this way every day. I want to just feel the same as I did when she was here. My husband doesnt know how to deal with me and well, i may just lose him too... but somehow thats fine (and it shouldnt be) i just want my sister back! i dont want to love anyone anymore... what if they get taken too... it is too sore! I am just working all the time so I can cope, i cant sleep, eat or not stay busy.
I miss her so very much and i dont know how to have a normal life again. The only person that i make effort with, play, cook for and get up for in the morning is my little girl. She keeps me sane. I just wish I had the mind and energy to enjoy our time together, rather than feeling like a robot most of the day. She is the only one i am ok with loving with all my heart at the moment.
I cant even talk to God most days. I am a complete mess and it feels like id never return to normal.
Thanks for listening and allowing me to get it all out.