too fast, much too fast

by Karen
(Knoxville, TN)

I met Ron of all places in a yahoo chat room. What were the odds of meeting the love of your life online, at the ripe old age of 39? He was 45. We had both been married before and brought some baggage with us in spite of trying not to. I also brought a teenage daughter. Everything was NOT sweetness and light, be we loved each other through it. He was my life, my love, my best friend, I guess my soul mate. He was quite simply part of me. He was with me through my own bout with cancer in 2010.
When he started having chest pain, we were afraid it was a heart attack. The tests showed his heart was strong, but x-rays showed pneumonia. The doctors treated him for pneumonia for 2 weeks but he just kept feeling worse. I took him back to ER on the 15th. He was hospitalized, had a biopsy, ultrasound, a PET scan and an MRI. They diagnosed lung cancer, on the 18th. On the 19th, they added liver, brain, and bone cancer to the diagnosis. The prognosis changed with each test result. We went from 12 to 18 months to live to weeks, to days.
On February 25, 2013, one short week after the diagnosis, he stopped breathing. I started crying and he breathed again, once, with a look on his face like he was trying to lift a truck. I said, “go on baby, I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.” He died, and I became one of the crazy women on TV that falls in the floor screaming. My 20 year old daughter literally led me around by the hand, arranging the cremation and memorial service. Now that’s done and all I have to do is stay alive, whether I want to or not.
I miss him so bad. I’ve realized I have no life without him. Everything I do is something we did together, everywhere I go, he should be there. My house is full of his stuff, but it’s empty. It’s empty like my heart, and my arms. Everyone keeps saying I’m strong, I’ll be ok. If it makes them feel better who am I to tell them I’ve shattered like glass on concrete?
Would he have lived longer if I hadn’t said anything? Did I kill him? Would he be ashamed of me for being such a weakling? Why didn’t I see how sick he was and talk him into going to the Dr. sooner? How did he keep working up until a month before he passed away? He must have been in an amazing amount of pain. In the 8 short years we had together, he never once let me down when I needed him. I hate myself because the only time he needed me, I didn’t help him.

Comments for too fast, much too fast

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 26, 2013
hang on Karen
by: carroll

Karen...I understand...Tony has been gone almost a year now...I met him when I was 38 & he 46 @ a bowling alley...Love of my life for 18 years. Loved him sooo much and miss him madly, deeply truly. He was diagnoised with stage 4 cancer on 4/1 and passed 4/11/12. He showed NO symptons until Feb....a pain in his stomach and Tony always did sleep alot...we thought he was depressed maybe. We can CHOOSE what we think about...even when the devil pushes the sad memories onto us...we must try to focus on the "happy memories". That is what our loved ones want...not to blame ourselves. GOD called them home for his own reasons. I also have blamed myself for not pushing to go to doc. and maybe other decisions that s/h/b made. To what purpose? These thoughts just break my heart and soul. Please try to focus on the "funny" times..their touch, your shared laughter. Look for signs from your love...a flower growing perhaps...I talk to Tony's picture and tell him every day how much I miss him. I pretend hugging him as we often did in the kitchen. Keep living things around you too if you can...plants, animals, children. I don't know how any of us survive this grief....I just try to get thru every day and pray alot. I hope this helps you to know you are not alone and that our loves are still with us and STILL LOVE us. Hang on Karen... much peace and love to you.

Mar 13, 2013
too fast, much too fast
by: Doreen U.K.

Karen Please don't beat yourself up thinking it was your fault your husband died and you did something wrong. This is Raw grief talking. Grief does strange things to beat us up. Don't let it. My husband was a man who never went to the doctors. He was made redundant and decided to pop off to the doctors thinking he had a chest infection which turned into a biopsy and then the fateful news. You have MESOTHELIOMA. Lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. Incurable, inoperable, aggressive. The worst day of my life. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged him away to the doctors. it is a man thing. I lost my beloved husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago. He struggled between life and death for over 3yrs. with the worst quality of life ever.
Lung cancer can't be detected early. It is the silent killer. Not even a blood test can determine diagnosis. It is almost always caught too late. Even an early visit to the doctor wouldn't have given you any answers sooner. My husband had a full MRI scan 4yrs. prior to diagnosis and it didn't pick up even the shadow on the lungs which is the first sign.
I am sorry for your loss. You need to encourage yourself and not beat yourself up. It is going to be a very lonely time for us until we can find our way out of our grief and into healing from this devastation. WE don't have a choice whether to go on in life. It is often when life is good that one is cut down and life ends. It is the worst ever feeling to go through this loss and struggle through life on our own now. But we have to find a way and to help strengthen each other for this other life we are now living by ourselves. May you be comforted and strengthened in your daily life till you can find your way back from this great loss.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!