Too Many to Count!

by Pat
(Missouri)

Christmas, 2009

Christmas, 2009

Christmas, 2009
He Loved this Hat
The Graduate

I am lost in a sea of grief. I am trying to find my way out, but I haven't figured out how yet. I lost my brother, father, and fiancee all within 5 months in 2011 and I am still stuck. I have decided to try journaling to help me figure out who I am without these loved ones. It's too bad that we all seem to define ourselves by those we have around us. My brother and father lived in another state so their losses were not as personal as my fiancee. Before he died, we had been a dedicated couple for 6-7 years. He was seriously ill for 10 weeks before he died. I had to do everything for him, including becoming his power of attorney so I could access his bank account and pay his bills. After weeks of ICU care and 2 bouts on a ventilator, he was finally able to leave the hospital and go to a nursing home for rehab. One day he asked me, "Why are you doing all of this stuff for me?" I couldn't imagine why he would ask this. I told him "Because I love you." It just seemed natural to me. I don't think he ever felt love from his family. He felt alienated from them. I am still caring for his dog. He is a huge comfort to me. I am the natural care giving type. Without anyone to care for, except 2 dogs, I am lost. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of grief. I have started journaling to try to help myself find a new path. I am retired, have health problems, and live alone, except for my dogs. I don't know how to define myself without Frank, my lost fiancee. I hope some others will read this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

Comments for Too Many to Count!

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Apr 23, 2013
sorry
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your loss but what we are unaware of is the strength that resides in us we feel like falling or think we will drown. Its our subconscious will to survive even though we think we may not want to. Just keep on keeping on you will make it.

Jan 26, 2013
Too Many to Count!
by: Doreen U.K.

Pat I am sorry for your loss of your father, brother and fiance, It is quite natural to feel as if you are lost in a sea of grief. It is very painful to lose someone close in your life. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 9 months ago to a serious deadly cancer and I nurse him for over 3yrs. I too am a caregive by nature and so I can identify with how you feel. So Lost and Lonely. As if you are all alone and have no one left to care for. I am so glad you are journaling. You will find this very cathartic. If you struggle with grief you should try seeing a grief counsellor. They are trained to assist and help us through our grief so that we are not left in grief forever. Grief is soul destroying if it is not addressed and felt. This is how we HEAL from our grief. For us who are left we have to in time build up our own structure of people in our life. WE can't survive in ISOLATION. WE will continue to lose people from our lives and go through this same cycle all over again and this is what is so hard to deal with. There is no easy way out.

Jan 25, 2013
too many to count
by: silver

I feel for you so much.I sent on my mother,father,friend of 28 yrs and my husband of 33 yrs in 18 months.I agree with you that your partner hurts the most. I miss my husband so much. I miss his presence the most.I had a bad time for the last 6 months but I am beginning to want to go out again.At first I slept a lot and didn't want to do anything,including washing clothes or dishes.It's hard to go on but I do it for my kids and my grandchildren. You can do it.It's not easy but it can be done. You will never forget them and you will still cry at times.My husband has been gone for 20 months and I still cry sometimes.Not every day now. I am talking about him to others and to him. I am beginning to remember the good times and what I liked most about him.The same holds true of my other loved ones.GOD watches over you and will send you courage and peace. I send you love,hugs and prayers.

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