Too Much loss

by Deb
(Clinton Township, MI)

My daughter was 41 years 10 months old when she died unexpectedly from an enlarged heart that we did not know that she had. She died as she got out of the shower and laid on the bathroom floor for over 8 hours when my grandson found her. He first call was to 911 then me. I knew I couldn't drive I was so upset that I didn't want to chance hurting anybody because I couldn't control my emotions. My best friend went to Jeff (my Grandson) and had her friend come and get me. I still didn't believe it could be true. I still can't and it has been just over a year since that hateful day.

She was my only child and such a good mother and friend to everybody. She would do anything to help the people she cared about. A much better person then I ever was. My heart is broken and I hate each day without her.

When she was born I swore to her that I would see to it that she had a family. I divorced her father because he was mentally and physically abusive to both of us. I did find a good man and married him. We blended our families together and for the next 13 yrs. we were a family. When our kids were all out of school he announced that he had only married me so his kids had a mom who was there and now he didn't need me anymore. He and his 2 kids left our lives and never looked back. That was 23 years ago. Now I find myself taking care of my 22 year old grandson who I adore.

We scattered my daughters ashes on her 42nd birthday and he and I went out for a nice dinner in her honor. When we got home I had a message on my voice mail that my sister had passed away from pneumonia. I had only seen her for my daughters funeral (she was my rock through dealing with losing my daughter)and now she was gone as well.

I cry everyday and my heart is so broken that I will never have them to hold and talk to ever again. I am trying to put up a good front for my Grandsons sake and at work since I work with people who have medical issues that they are dealing with for themselves or their families. I get home at night emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I have used all of my savings trying to keep us afloat and am afraid that I will never be whole again.

Jeff is such a blessing and a good man but again he is 22 and not to interested in my issues. He works but doesn't know how to handle his money so I pay for everything. I will be 64 next week and have health issues that I can't afford to have addressed at this time. I am so afraid of letting Jeff down and want to be there for him always but if I lose the house from financial burdens we will both be out on the street. I am so tired both in mind and body that I pray everyday that I can go and be with my beautiful daughter and sister which I know is wrong but I can't seem to stop. I feel so alone and lost. My BFF I haven't seen since Christmas as she works when I am not and vice versa. I know I am an old crybaby but try as I may I can't seem to change my feelings or control my tears.

When my Mom passed away we had an inscription put on her headstone that came from a poem she had written when she was young, it read "God, please grant me a braver tomorrow..." and that is my prayer too.

Comments for Too Much loss

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Sep 02, 2013
too much loss
by: silver

We have something in common.My baby sister died at age 44 from an asthma attack.I saw her just hours before she died.That phone call was devastating.I was 8 yrs older than her and,like I'm sure you know,we older siblings had to take care of the young ones.I felt as if I had lost a child,a sister,& a friend.I just turned 64 this past month.I also have arthritis and asthma.I am finally getting to walk some.I have to build up my lungs.(I retired in 2011.) I can't truly imagine losing a child,but I have buried 2 grandchildren and almost lost a son.I sent on my mom,my dad,my best friend and my husband within 17 months.I can understand how the multiple deaths will hit you.I also was married to an abusive husband for 4 yrs.I had 2 children by him.I also divorced him and married a wonderful man for 33 yrs.We had a blended family:"yours,mine & ours".I'm sorry yours didn't turn out as well.I let my nephew(my sister's child-he was 23) live with me for almost a yr.He did a lot around the house but didn't have a job.I love him and he does have a handicap(he was burned badly as a child and has many scars to his entire upper body).I felt,at first,that I had to take care of him because of my sister dying when he was 12.Then I went on Social Security when my husband died.After awhile I realized I couldn't pay all my bills with the extra food,the higher utility bill,etc.I gave him a date to move out.I gave him 3 months so he could get a job and have enough money to move.He is out on his own now with a couple of friends.He is happier.Your grandson needs to learn to handle money.What will he do if you go on.I know this sounds mean but tell him he needs to pay you rent so you don't lose your house.You figure out how much.You could even,without his knowledge put some of it back and when enough is there tell him to find a place to live and use the money to make the deposits for him.He is a man now,not a child anymore. This is one possibility.I can't tell you what to do and you need to figure this out but you have to do what it takes to save your place to live.I pray for you.GOD send you strength to do what you need to and to go on.GOD send you peace.I keep all of in my prayers.

Sep 02, 2013
Too Much Loss
by: Doreen U.K.

Deb due to lack of space I have to continue a second post.
Don't be too hard on yourself as being a cry baby. Cry all you need to. Don't be brave you are not doing yourself any favours. You will impede your healing from grief. You have lost your only daughter and supportive sister. You are juggling work responsibilities and also trying to keep a roof over yours, and your grandson's head. This is an immense responsibility. Try some grief counselling as this will enable you to have some individual support for yourself. You need someone to talk to and your grandson is not the best person to support you. He also must be grieving in his own way. And his loss won't be the same as yours. His grief will be different from yours. In time you will cope. You have too much on your plate right now. Take time out for yourself. Pamper yourself in some way. this way you will be nurturing yourself back into life. Life will not always be this bad. Your loss won't always dominate your life. You didn't get this way by yourself. Something happened to you to rob you of your Peace and Joy in life. Take one day at a time and you will find life each day a little closer to healing from grief. Jeff will probably move on in his life one day. You need to prepare for this by teaching him some skills you have had to use in life to get you thus far. He will thank you for this. You have not had life easy. But I guess it has made you a stronger person with coping skills that get you through each day. Don't carry too many burdens. Let your grandson carry some of the burdens for you that he is able to. Best wishes.

Sep 02, 2013
Too much loss
by: Doreen U.K.

Deb I am so very sorry for your loss of your only daughter, and also your beloved supportive sister. Life has been cruel to you. Even more so from the man who married you to use you as a mother for his children. See the positive in this. That you did a good Deed for him and his children and even though he is a rotten scoundrel those children you brought up may one day return when you least expect it and remember what you did for them. Hold your head up high. don't be too hard on yourself. To lose your only daughter is the worst pain a mother can go through. Then a sibling is the next most painful experience.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to a deadly cancer. I feel lost and lonely also but try to get through this by nurturing myself. As a result I have managed to Heal somewhat from my loss and on the way to recovery from grief. It is a long hard road back. Realise that Grieving takes time. Don't expect too much of yourself. Take one day at a time. Establish Boundaries between you and your grandson. Don't smother him. He needs to learn responsibility. If you pay for everything what are you teaching him? I know it is hard. I do the same thing in as much as paying for the weekly food bill. But we go 50/50 on the Yearly bills of Council tax and house Insurance. I budget for the rest. I do think why make life difficult for our youngsters if we don't have to. But at the same time don't make it too easy otherwise you may incur other problems that will be hard to resolve. Your grandson will thank you for teaching him. Otherwise life will become so hard he may not be able to cope with the cost of living. I am making subtle changes with my daughter so that it will ease her easily into running the home. It is so difficult being a woman on her own and having to struggle each day to live. As women/mothers/grandmothers we will by nature worry. My daughter wants me to prepare a book for how to run the home and what she has to do when I die. It will make it easier for her.
If you nurture yourself now you will have an easier transition from your loss of daughter and sister. Having supportive family and friends does help immensely. I had this support when I needed it but it has now gone now as everyone goes about their own lives. I wish you well in the days ahead and may you find Comfort and Peace in your grief.

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