Too Much loss
(Clinton Township, MI)
My daughter was 41 years 10 months old when she died unexpectedly from an enlarged heart that we did not know that she had. She died as she got out of the shower and laid on the bathroom floor for over 8 hours when my grandson found her. He first call was to 911 then me. I knew I couldn't drive I was so upset that I didn't want to chance hurting anybody because I couldn't control my emotions. My best friend went to Jeff (my Grandson) and had her friend come and get me. I still didn't believe it could be true. I still can't and it has been just over a year since that hateful day.
She was my only child and such a good mother and friend to everybody. She would do anything to help the people she cared about. A much better person then I ever was. My heart is broken and I hate each day without her.
When she was born I swore to her that I would see to it that she had a family. I divorced her father because he was mentally and physically abusive to both of us. I did find a good man and married him. We blended our families together and for the next 13 yrs. we were a family. When our kids were all out of school he announced that he had only married me so his kids had a mom who was there and now he didn't need me anymore. He and his 2 kids left our lives and never looked back. That was 23 years ago. Now I find myself taking care of my 22 year old grandson who I adore.
We scattered my daughters ashes on her 42nd birthday and he and I went out for a nice dinner in her honor. When we got home I had a message on my voice mail that my sister had passed away from pneumonia. I had only seen her for my daughters funeral (she was my rock through dealing with losing my daughter)and now she was gone as well.
I cry everyday and my heart is so broken that I will never have them to hold and talk to ever again. I am trying to put up a good front for my Grandsons sake and at work since I work with people who have medical issues that they are dealing with for themselves or their families. I get home at night emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I have used all of my savings trying to keep us afloat and am afraid that I will never be whole again.
Jeff is such a blessing and a good man but again he is 22 and not to interested in my issues. He works but doesn't know how to handle his money so I pay for everything. I will be 64 next week and have health issues that I can't afford to have addressed at this time. I am so afraid of letting Jeff down and want to be there for him always but if I lose the house from financial burdens we will both be out on the street. I am so tired both in mind and body that I pray everyday that I can go and be with my beautiful daughter and sister which I know is wrong but I can't seem to stop. I feel so alone and lost. My BFF I haven't seen since Christmas as she works when I am not and vice versa. I know I am an old crybaby but try as I may I can't seem to change my feelings or control my tears.
When my Mom passed away we had an inscription put on her headstone that came from a poem she had written when she was young, it read "God, please grant me a braver tomorrow..." and that is my prayer too.