Too Much Pain My Body Can't Take It

by Abigail
(Bulacan, Philippines)

My Mom passed away exactly 8 years today, June 29. I was 16 years old, 4th year in highschool. She was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 13. the doctor said she has 3 months at most to live. She underwent chemo therapy but can't bear the side effects so we took the risk and switched to alternative medicine. She lived another 3 years because of the treatment but the 3 years that she'd been on remission was also really hard for me. I just wake up at midnight checking if she's still breathing.Shake her a little to see if she would move.Im so scared to lose her. January 2004 we discovered that a new tumor developed. We had it removed and decided to try chemo again. I just regret that decision! a few weeks after her chemo, she got so sick and we rushed her to the hospital. I spent time with her. Told her how much I love her and she just smiled at me telling me how much she loves me back. She told me she that she dont want to die because I would be the poorest thing on earth when she's gone. I was so scared I was bargaining with the Lord. Praying the rosary 5 times a day. Calling religious groups to pray for my mother. It was just painful. A day before she passed away she asked me to go back to school because I have been missing school since she was confined, I kissed her goodbye promising I'll be back the next day. I slept over to a friends house because I am not used to sleeping alone. I was 16 back then but I still sleep in my parent's room. Dusk of June 29 I called her but my sister said that my mom had difficulty speaking, a few hours after , my sister called telling me that they would fetch me. I knew it but my head can't wrap around the idea that she's gone. I was in hysterical when I saw my sister's swollen eyes. She just hugged me and I dont know what to do. crying. stumping. punching. it hurts so bad my body cant handle it...8 years after she passed away. I am still here. Still the same girl. Crying, stumping in pain inside. I think everybody else had moved on except me I cant go on a day without mentioning her name. I often dream of her being resurrected. I just love the feeling of hugging and kissing her in my dreams. It feels soooo real. I often wake up with tears in my eyes. Im so lonely and so afraid that my father would also leave me unexpectedly soon. I am paranoid. I fear death so much. Im depressed and all the pain have been bottled up inside because I dont want to tell my family what I've been feeling because I dont want to drag them in my depression. 8 years is a very long time I haven't move a single step forward since she left me. I miss my mom so much. ='(

Comments for Too Much Pain My Body Can't Take It

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 09, 2012
Feel you Pain
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous
I am sorry for your loss of your sister. You are still suffering afer 5 1/2yrs. This is a prolonged agony for you. It won't get better. You are losing quality of life being in the same place as when you lost your sister. Nothing can be more painful in a counselling room than what you are going through now.
You could greatly benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. If you do not get on well with one then choose another till you find the right person for you. Counselling gave me back my life. It was very painfull for me because I let my unresolved problems pile up till they overflowed. Be prepared for this. Don't walk away once you start counselling. See it through. You will emerge a stronger and happier person. You will come out of this prison of grief you are in right now. When there is no cause of DEATH it will be hard to resolve your grief over your sister's death. It will have to be determined as natural causes. Think on all the conversations you had with your sister ongoing. Don't dwell on that last moment of not speaking to your sister. Remember the times you spoke to each other. Write a journal Put down all your fondest memories with your sister. Recorded FOREVER.

Oct 08, 2012
Every soul shall taste death and in the end you will return to your creator"
by: Anonymous

Hi Abigail

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It was heart breaking to read your story. I too, lost my mother to lung cancer a year ago. A 52 year old very healthy woman, never had any illnesses in her life. A cough turned into cancer and chemo and radiotheraphy basically took her life (although I believe her time on Earth was decreed for that long only).
Every person who is born, HAS TO die. This temporary life is a test and the one who recognises and knows their creator, worships him, will be the successful one and it is only Paradise or Hell that one will enter, after they have passed away. The passing away of a person is only 'returning to their creator' and life after death starts.
I believe firmly that I will meet my loved ones who have passed away as my scriptures tell me this in clear words. Therefore, I have something to live for. Many people take their own lives as they feel they have nothing to live for once they lose the people who were the most closest to them.
The 'real' life is the eternal life that starts once we have passed away from this life and that will be the life which will be ever lasting. This is described clearly in my authentic scriptures.
This life DOES have a purpose. Many people their entire lives as its just shear play and amusement. I urge you to find out what the purpose of your creation is and this will help you to undestand more about life and death and hopefully help you get over the loss of your loved one. I wish you all the best.
I am happy to take any comments on

Jun 30, 2012
feel your pain
by: Anonymous

It has been 5 1/2 years since I lost my sister, she was also my best friend. We spent hours on the phone everyday just talking about everything. The last time I saw my sister was a Superbowl Sunday, we had the Superbowl party at our house that year, as every year we would do it at my brother's, my dad's or our house. That was the first year we had done it at our house because the land lord sold us her "BIG" screen television at a very good price. Everything seemed fine that night, her fiance a little jealous because we were just hanging out together and not paying much attention to the "men folk" he ended up getting a little tpsy and they left before the end of the game. I still don't understand why he was so jealous of two sisters hanging out while the guys watched the game? Maybe because she was over the day before for my oldest girls birthday party and we hung out all day that day too. I really don't know. Anyway, they ended up leaving and the last thing my sister said to me was I'll call you tomorrow. She didn't call the next day, I figured they were still arguing. That night I had a nagging feeling to call my sister and I didn't call her. The next day the feeling just wouldn't go away, I kept telling myself if she needs me she will call me. Needless to say, she never called and I didn't call her. That was the longest we had went without talking, but I didn't want to make her ol' man mad so I didn't call. That Thursday, my little brother called and told me I needed to meet him at the hospital my sister's heart had stopped during the night or during that day before her fiance got home from work. When I got to the hospital we had to wait in the trauma room, just to be told she didn't make it. To this day, we still don't know what happened to her. She was fine one day and gone from us the next. The coroner could not find anything wrong with her that would have caused her death. I have been torn up since then. Numerous times I have been told I needed therapy and that I was not grieving properly. I have not yet had counseling and I still feel the same as I did that day. Maybe counseling is in order for both of us to help us through this? My family does not know that I am still just as upset as I was 5 1/2 years ago and they do not know about my nagging feeling I had before she passed away.

Jun 30, 2012
Too Much Pain My Body Can't Take It
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Just like you I was cargiver to my husband who died of cancer 7 weeks ago today. It hurts so bad. You postponed your grief and this is why you are feeling so bad. It has to come out no matter how painfull it is. Go see a bereavement grief counsellor to help you to cope with your loss and all the locked up feelings inside you.
It was hard nursing my husband for the 3yrs. Just like you. I also got groups of people all over the world on the God Channel to pray for my husband Steve to be healed and whilst he was healed for a day or two things changed and Steve started coughing and got worse and he deteriorated but not for a few months. Part of grieving is the fear that the other members of your family are going to die also and you will be left alone. This is normal it is not you being paranoid. You were only 16 years. A lot of young people like yourself act with such maturity and handle things well. You remind me of myself when I was young. I was given such large responsiblities and so I had to do it all. It is a strain to be everything for everyone. It is not normal. So anyone out there don't try to be everything for everyone otherwise you will breakdown. We have to be balanced. Know what you can do and do it and leave the rest. It is so painfull when our loved one's are not coming back and the place they inhabited is vacant. This is the pain of loss and lonliness. We take things for granted and feel comfortable with life and why shouldn't we. It is human nature to feel this way. Secure in our lives. Everything moving as we want. We have a job. A home. Our families. This is life. Then suddenly things change and our worlds are never the same again. It is like living in a dungeon with no way out. You will be in a hard place for some time. We can reach out for others to help us in our journey of grief and this is the right thing to do. grief counsellors are trained to help and support.
I once went on a training course in bereavement counselling and I suddenly went into hospital for an operation and then missed so much of the training I wouldn't be able to catch up so I didn't go back to train. Which is why I have a certain way of expressing myself in supporting on this website. I also have a natural ability to feel another's pain and so I try to help. I have been blessed by other people posting on this website. God Bless you all. Abigail I wish you peacefull days ahead and the right support you need at this difficult time in your grief.

Jun 29, 2012
too much pain
by: sue

Hi Abigail...I too lost my mother, to cancer at theage of 17...which was really hard! was the
first family death and my Mom! Of All People! I too needed her so much, I had so many questions about her life that I didn't get a chance to ask and my dad could not answer...I understand your grief, and even though it's been a long time, Every May 1st,(when she died) and followed by
Mother day of all things!....It Does Make Every Mothers Day thereafter very hard...and I tend to avoid the tv/radios for about 2 weeks...But then I decided to Celebrate it anyways...To Celebrate Her! And buy Myself flowers In Rememberance of her. and I plant her favorite flowers, so I will always think of her Blooming up in heaven with Papa God! this I believe is a healthy attitude,
but it does take time..And "The Shack" book Helped
A Me Lot!

You Have to hang on to your faith at this time
It's your lifeline, and He understands your grief.
And if you are a believer then Pray For Her Too!
As she waits with the others of faith in Paradise!

Go ahead and Cry to God...He Is There for you. and remember there IS a heaven Now, for believers.
as the Bible says that with His coming there will
be "A New Heaven and a New Earth" in the mean time...try treading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. It
gave me a lot of peace about Heaven and all his
sources are directly from Scripture! It's cool to think of my mom getting her just rewards! and that she is in "Paradise" which my bible notes refer to as a place of "Rest and Bliss"...Think and remember her Resting in Bliss! So don't wish she was back here just for your sake [Idid that for a didn't help...j& ust made me feel bad] ...And You Will be with her soon enough! :)
it's okay to miss her (I Still Do & Always Will)
ANd I thinkk That it the Attitude we all evenutally come to... remembering With Love!
Because it does show how much you loved her...And it shows your capabilities of loving others just as deeply...So do it ~
Until then you have work to do and Love to give to Others who need it... Begin It!

I'll post a little poem that sometimes helps me get up and move on with my life again. Because THAT's what Our Moms Would Want for us~ Yes? They Want More Than Anything For Us To be Happy! Find your happiness, even if,..Yes.. At first, you're doing it For Her...pretty soon it will become yours!

One day you will remeber her teachings with love, and all the little things, like "I have her eyes"
"I do it this way cuz my mother did" and "I remember when my mom did____ , etc..and you Will eventually Laugh and That will make her happy!
Trust me I'm a Mother too now...And I Know !

oops going over my limit...continued

Jun 29, 2012
I am so sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

Please join a support group and talk to your doctor. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying that you find the right support group and a good doctor. I wish you much comfort today and hope that you will take action.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!