Too much to bear
Myself and Greg
I don't know where to start. Within the last 18 months I have lost my best friend Greg who was 36 to unknown reasons, my best friend, my love and my soul mate Troy who was 49 to pneumonia(he died the same day I took him to the hospital) and finally I lost my buddy, my Daddy on 3/14 after caring for him for 4 1/2 years. In the cases of Troy and Daddy I didn't have the luxury of going through their belonging when I was ready. I immediately had to donate or sell virtually everything because I had to move both times and couldn't afford much storage. I've spent months crying uncontrollably, wasting my days in a haze on the couch, but I always had to hold it together because I had Daddy to care for. Now what? I did meet a wonderful kind and gentle man named John whom I married in January. But it doesn't matter, all of that hurt and all of those memories are still there and I don't seem to be getting any better. I feel so guilty that I am frozen in a state of grief and can't give him the attention that he deserves. I see a grief counselor every so often and am going to see a new psychiatrist on Monday. The last one has hurt more than he has helped. How long will I feel like this? I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. There is nothing I want to do. Nothing is enjoyable or brings me any happiness.I am paralyzed sitting here unable to make any moves to get through this or start the new life that is staring me in the face. What do I do? How do I go about doing it? The love and pain for the three most important men in my life runs through my blood. They would tell me that I am strong enough to do anything I put my mind to. I only wish that I believed it myself.