Tough day

by Donna
(Texas)

Today was a really tough day, it was Bryan's (my) family christmas. We had it at my father-in-law's church. Everyone asked how we are doing. I tried to say ok, but as soon as the words came out so did the tears. I'm not ok, I don't think I'll ever be ok again.

My mother-in-law said she was thinking about me on Bryan's birthday 11-30, but she didn't call because she didn't want to upset me. She said that she really worries about me and prays for me. I told her about the breathtaking sunrise that God allowed me to share with Bryan's star this morning. It was absolutely beautiful, and Bryan's star was the only one in the sky, not because it was cloudy, because it was absolutely clear.

I truly feel that God has sent Bryan to be my guardian angel. His star is there every night and every morning no matter what the weather is like. He's always there for me to talk to, and cry to. I try to start my day off with a cup of coffee just sitting on my front porch talking to Bryan.

Baby I love you and miss you, please help me through these next years of my life.

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Dec 14, 2010
Comfort and Hope
by: Lyn Ann

I've just been reading through all of the recent blogs tonight. For me it has been just one month since my husband Jim passed away after a cancer battle. The sharing that happens in these blogs is so important - it helps me feel normal. It really comforted me when I saw tonight that everybody has their own ?connection? ritual? some write in a journal, others have a star, still others converse continuously with their loved one. My ?connection? is a DVD that a friend made of Jim?s surprise birthday party last year. I watched it only once after my friend made it back then, and then threw it in a drawer. Two weeks ago I found it again while cleaning (and just after asking God to send me some peace). Now every night I watch it before I go to bed. Jim was so happy that night ? healthy, funny, saying all of those little things he used to say? all captured on video. I watch it, cry, have a little chat with him, and then go to sleep.

Today I had an uplifting experience. I met a woman, and we chatted. I mentioned that my husband had died of cancer 4 weeks previous, expecting the usual reaction - shock, embarrassment, discomfort ? but none came. She continued the conversation as if we were discussing the news? or the weather? and she asked me details about Jim?s cancer and the experiences we had. Frank, open, honest, straightforward ? I was amazed. Then after a few minutes I found out that her her husband had died of cancer when both of them were 37 ? about 8 years ago ? leaving her with 3 girls under the age of 10. She spoke openly, frankly, and matter-of-factly about her husband?s treatments, his death, her anger, how she coped and didn?t cope, her daughters, - even the amount of money her daughters get from the Canada Pension Plan and how this is her husband?s contribution to their upbringing. As our conversation continued my admiration grew for this woman ? so wise, so understanding, and possessing an incredible quality of spirit.

This will be all of us in a few years.

I?m praying for all of you guys?.
Lyn Ann

Dec 13, 2010
Believe...
by:

Donna,

Breathe. I know how hard it is. I wrapped my first gift today. I did not cry but wanted to hurl it across the room. I just sighed and thought that's enough for today.

I am proud that you can look at the sunset and sunrise and see beauty all around you. That means that you are making progress. Keep talking to that star. Believe. I do think that our honeys are looking out for us, our guardian angels and have thought so from the beginning of this miserable year.

My mother has been gone for a while, I think that she might know what to say to make it better. Then I remember what she always said..
This too will pass. You will become stronger getting though this. Believe in yourself, Don't push what you cant do yet and take it one step, one breath at a time...
HH

Dec 13, 2010
tough day
by: Jules

Hi Donna - I am so glad you felt able to spend time with your in-laws - and by sharing your feelings with them will probably open up some good conversations about Bryan. Your mother-in-law will now know she can talk to you about him, after all, she is also grieving the loss of her son.

I had my loves birthday last week, and that was a sad day - he would have been 62 - Christmas is coming, then our wedding anniversary - all these events will be hard to deal with, but I have loving family and friends who support me, and I have this amazing site to visit whenever I need.

One step - one breath
take care
jules

Dec 13, 2010
Talking helps
by: Zoe

I understand how you feel. Someone handed me red plates in case I decided to have some kind of Christmas and I burst into tears.

I talk to John all the time, in the car in the bed room, I ask him about things I need around the house, I ask him to check on things and his opinion. These are the things I would talk to him about, it makes me feel better talking to him, and I probably will continue to talk to him until I take my last breath and can look into his beautiful eyes.

I commend you for going to the party, I have to tell you it is more than I could do this year, and I love the way you find the beauty in Bryan's star, his love for you shines through you and how you hold and represent him.

Do not try to be ok if you are not, grief and healing are very individual. Are you ever going to be ok, what is ok without the one we love? You will adjust, you will find strength you never knew you had, your very actions show that you have already started to tap into that strength.
And then you take one breath one step, one day at a time.
Zoe

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