Tragic death of my 17 year old brother.

by Ruby
(New Zealand)

Just 5 weeks ago my only brother, my best friend, my other half, and my world was violently and abruptly ripped away from us by a tragic accident. I miss him more and more every day and not a second has passed where I am not thinking of him and wishing he were still here. You never think you'll lose someone so soon, right before they were about to spread their wings and blossom into adulthood and independence. Every day I think of something else I will no longer be able to share with him, all the yearly milestones, growing up. I will never be able to be an aunty to his children nor will my possibly future children be able to meet my brother. I will only be able to share with them the wonderful memories of his almost 18 years he shared with everyone. It is outstanding how many people are so deeply affected by his loss, and all the connections we now have through Ira. These connections are what i will hold on to for life, as they are now Ira - and are all I have to hold on to. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact I will never be able to see him again, and that this is forever. Every time I try to comprehend it my heart drops further. I shared absolutely everything with Ira, we were always so close as children and we never lost the bond as we both grew older. He knew the whole of me, and I knew the whole of him. Being both my brother and my best friend, I could always depend on him with my life. I miss him so terribly, and every day without him is harder than the last. Sometimes life is just so awfully horrible and the ones you love the most who leave the greatest impact on people are taken away just like that. Although you have vanished you are in every single one of my thoughts, breathes, and heart beats. You are within me. One day when I feel like trying to live again, everything I do will be for you. I will do everything that you can't. I will be you. I will live for your mottos, positivity, helpfulness, and determination. I will never accept that you were taken so early, there is absolutely no fairness or rightfulness to it. It is always the best of people who seem to be taken so suddenly. I do know for a fact that you were so happy and excited for life. In your nearly 18 years you were so many things to hundreds of people, you helped people, you made friends wherever you went, you were a "good buzz", you did whatever you put your mind to, and most importantly you made the most of everything. I still keep expecting that you'll walk out from somewhere, and I don't think that will ever change. Although I saw you there in your coffin, and it broke my heart into millions of pieces, I still think of you as alive and away somewhere for a while. It's hard to try to tell my mind I won't see you again, it wants to believe that that's not true. I suppose that is to keep me from going insane. I just try to get through each day, I let my grief consume me and do whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I cry hard alone in the dark, sometimes I cry with others, sometimes I laugh at the most ridiculous of things, sometimes I am able to smile and cherish memories - and sometimes the memories break my heart. Grief is a very overwhelming emotion, it becomes you. I don't feel I am myself anymore, and I know I won't be again. These extremely unbearable 6 weeks have been the worst of my life, but at the same time I have been in awe of the love, gratitude, kindness, compassion and support of so many people. I have made so many new connections through Ira. I know that his amazing group of friends will now be connections, friends, and a support foundation for life. Not only Iras friends but many of my mother’s friends I have now found myself closer to. As hard and difficult as the first couple of weeks were, they were almost better than now. The first week we had Ira at home, we had a full house constantly, we laughed and cried together and Ira’s service was beautiful and touching. Now as time passes by things become harder, reality sets in, people go back to their old lives, I'm supposed to be going back to my life before everything changed - but it seems impossible and so far away. It is the weirdest thing watching the world go by as normal when everything has so

Comments for Tragic death of my 17 year old brother.

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May 24, 2014
Time heals but not quickly
by: Doreen UK

Gina when people are hurting they can easily play the blame game and really believe what they think. Often going in to defend oneself is futile and will not be accepted or understood.
Your daughter would be accepted on this site if she needed support. This is a place where people can be angry and understood and validated and respected and I hope not judged by anyone.
I am sorry for your losses, and estrangement from your surviving daughter.

May 24, 2014
Time heals but not quickly.
by: Gina

I would like to express my sincere sympathy for the loss of your brother. I know that you and your mom,other family members and friends miss him dearly. I lost my oldest daughter in 1991 in a car wreck. She was almost 11 years old. And in 2002 my dad 61 died of cancer. 7 weeks later my 19 year old son was killed in a car wreck. He was less than 1 mile from our home. He fell asleep and ran head on into a big truck. The loss of my daughter sent me into another world. My dad and stepmom had to help take care of my younger children. They needed counseling but at that time there was not much to choose from here. They basically sat in front of someone and never said a word. It will be 12 years this October that my son passed away. He took my daughter's heart with him. We both stopped living after he passed away. We grew apart. She desperately needs someone to talk to and someone to share her story with. She is 29 years old and has a 3 year old daughter. They lived with until She left with no reason but accusing us of doing things we did not do. She has been in some trouble with the law, she does not want us having any relationship with them. She blames me for everything. with our family and we don't talk. Do you think she would feel comfortable talking and sharing here?

Jan 19, 2014
Prayers to you
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your loss of your brother Ruby. By far this will probably be one of the most painful deaths you will ever experience with your immediate family. The unexpected death gives you no time to prepare and there is excruciating pain no doubt about that. Knowing this information should give you power to choose all the websites and information on grief. Grief usually lasts with someone for a solid year after a year its called complicated grief that is why in a situation like yours, I would seek grief counseling because loss is so devastating. I lost my mother 3 weeks ago and most days I never leave the house to much anymore, but I do call supportive people and I do go to church and I pray a lot. Your brother looks like a beautiful person inside and out. I have a beautiful 18 year old son with autism and I know if I ever lost him I would want to jump off a bridge, so I understand how you and your mother feel. Keep writing to everyone here, we are all here to support you! God Bless You and your family!

Jan 19, 2014
loss of your brother
by: Mari

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It makes my heart ache seeing how young he was.He must have been a wonderful person indeed.He had a nice smile.
It hurts so much to lose someone you were close to and loved.
You need time for grieving and it varies with everyone. Just take a day at a time and know we are here for you. Whatever is on your mind and heart.There will be some difficult days but keep going.Your brother is with the Lord now.
I too lost a brother and it has been a very long time.I think of him and our childhood as we spent a lot of time together and were close in age, 6 days less then a year apart.He had a heart problem and died at the age of 24.I have pictures and found one dated 1958 when we are teenagers. He would be 70 now and I am 69. I know he is safe with the Lord. Take care and keep posting as we care. Mari

Jan 18, 2014
I lost my big brother
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous I am sorry for your loss of your brother to a sudden death. These early days of grief are the worst. For me I ached all over my body as if I was knocked down by a truck and couldn't get up again. I couldn't get off the couch for 6 months whilst I bathed myself with TV to block out the pain. I could do nothing. I took one day at a time and the 6 months soon passed and then I started with one job a day till this increased. I regress every now and then when memories come back. I don't feel like doing anything. It has been 20 months since I lost my husband and being together 44yrs. is not easy to recover from. You will have good days in between the bad days. I went through the same stages as you. Like you I never felt any guilt because I know I did my best as his carer for over 3yrs. with the cancer. But I did go through the stage of anger. I didn't deny this but it soon passed. Healing is such a slow process that I get fed up waiting for this to come. I can't think too far ahead and can still only take one day at a time. Taking care of yourself is so important. Try and nurture yourself as this helps the healing process. Grief is long and hard. Having supportive family and friends helps. But everyone has gone their own ways and the isolation adds to my grief. You will in the days ahead find what works for you. But there is no easy way forward except one day at a time. We all have expressed the type of pain you are expressing. It is like no pain we have ever felt before even with other losses. But it does pass.

Jan 18, 2014
Dear Ruby,
by: Anonymous

Your post made me cry - I am so sorry to read about your brother. What a beautiful picture you posted. I have been on this site for a little over a year - I lost my father, he died suddenly. After the initial shock and disbelief wore off, I also felt like things got harder as time went on, but it also got a bit easier. It's strange, and I can't explain exactly what I mean, it is almost surreal, and I think it is part of the grieving process. It sounds like you are surrounded by wonderful people who will help you as you begin to heal. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. We all understand where you are, and what you are feeling. If it is any comfort, know that you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and wish you peace in the days ahead. Barb

Jan 18, 2014
I lost my big brother
by: Anonymously

My 54-year old brother passed away on Monday, January 13, 2014. It was totally unexpected. The autopsy results aren't in yet, but they suspect he died of a heart attack. He suffered from severe back pain due to an injury he sustained over 20-years ago & was on some heavy duty medications to manage the pain. For the most part though, he was healthy. I've suffered losses in the past, but in those cases, we knew it was coming. And although those losses were painful, I've never experienced this kind of pain. I didn't even know this kind of pain existed. I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest. My emotions have been all over the place this week as well. In an attempt to understand the myriad of emotions I've been experiencing, I went on-line & looked up the various stages of grief, which led me to this blog. As for the 7 stages of the grieving process; I've gone through the shock/denial phase, the pain & depression phase, & now, the anger has set in. Thankfully though, I don't have any guilt. We talked at least once a week & every conversation ended w/ "I love you."

Jan 18, 2014
Tragic death of my 17 year old brother
by: Doreen UK

Ruby I am sorry for your loss of your beloved brother Ira to a sudden death.
I am glad you have so much support from family and friends as this is so important when grieving. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 20 months ago to cancer and I am coping better by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME. I still have bad days of grief and can echo all the feelings you describe as common when losing a close loved one.
The importance is to remember that you do get good days in between the bad days of grief. So don't feel guilty to be happy or laugh. These good times help us to heal. We never get over our loss. We just learn in time to live with our loss in time. Everyone does go on to live their own lives and this is the time you will feel your grief more. May God comfort you and give you His Peace.

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