Tragic death of my 17 year old brother.
Just 5 weeks ago my only brother, my best friend, my other half, and my world was violently and abruptly ripped away from us by a tragic accident. I miss him more and more every day and not a second has passed where I am not thinking of him and wishing he were still here. You never think you'll lose someone so soon, right before they were about to spread their wings and blossom into adulthood and independence. Every day I think of something else I will no longer be able to share with him, all the yearly milestones, growing up. I will never be able to be an aunty to his children nor will my possibly future children be able to meet my brother. I will only be able to share with them the wonderful memories of his almost 18 years he shared with everyone. It is outstanding how many people are so deeply affected by his loss, and all the connections we now have through Ira. These connections are what i will hold on to for life, as they are now Ira - and are all I have to hold on to. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact I will never be able to see him again, and that this is forever. Every time I try to comprehend it my heart drops further. I shared absolutely everything with Ira, we were always so close as children and we never lost the bond as we both grew older. He knew the whole of me, and I knew the whole of him. Being both my brother and my best friend, I could always depend on him with my life. I miss him so terribly, and every day without him is harder than the last. Sometimes life is just so awfully horrible and the ones you love the most who leave the greatest impact on people are taken away just like that. Although you have vanished you are in every single one of my thoughts, breathes, and heart beats. You are within me. One day when I feel like trying to live again, everything I do will be for you. I will do everything that you can't. I will be you. I will live for your mottos, positivity, helpfulness, and determination. I will never accept that you were taken so early, there is absolutely no fairness or rightfulness to it. It is always the best of people who seem to be taken so suddenly. I do know for a fact that you were so happy and excited for life. In your nearly 18 years you were so many things to hundreds of people, you helped people, you made friends wherever you went, you were a "good buzz", you did whatever you put your mind to, and most importantly you made the most of everything. I still keep expecting that you'll walk out from somewhere, and I don't think that will ever change. Although I saw you there in your coffin, and it broke my heart into millions of pieces, I still think of you as alive and away somewhere for a while. It's hard to try to tell my mind I won't see you again, it wants to believe that that's not true. I suppose that is to keep me from going insane. I just try to get through each day, I let my grief consume me and do whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I cry hard alone in the dark, sometimes I cry with others, sometimes I laugh at the most ridiculous of things, sometimes I am able to smile and cherish memories - and sometimes the memories break my heart. Grief is a very overwhelming emotion, it becomes you. I don't feel I am myself anymore, and I know I won't be again. These extremely unbearable 6 weeks have been the worst of my life, but at the same time I have been in awe of the love, gratitude, kindness, compassion and support of so many people. I have made so many new connections through Ira. I know that his amazing group of friends will now be connections, friends, and a support foundation for life. Not only Iras friends but many of my mother’s friends I have now found myself closer to. As hard and difficult as the first couple of weeks were, they were almost better than now. The first week we had Ira at home, we had a full house constantly, we laughed and cried together and Ira’s service was beautiful and touching. Now as time passes by things become harder, reality sets in, people go back to their old lives, I'm supposed to be going back to my life before everything changed - but it seems impossible and so far away. It is the weirdest thing watching the world go by as normal when everything has so