tricia

im struggling to understand why so many people around me have died. On friday my friend Shane accidently overdosed. He was a beautiful talented musician and he died too soon. Last year in August I lost another friend also called Shane from a heart attack. After Shane's death last year I went to seven funerals of people I loved. The most profound was my best mate Dave who took his own life and no one saw it coming least of all me. Im so confused because I can't just grieve for Shane's recent death because I am so tired from having gone through so many deaths recently. I thought I felt nothing when I heard about his death and felt a bit guilty but then today I have been crying a lot but feel weird and distant like Im watching myself in a movie. I feel like it is somehow my fault for choosing so many friends who have died. And then I feel like a bitch for turning it into all about me. It feels like more people I am close to are dead then are alive. Im scared there are going to be so many more deaths I don't know what to do. Its like I imagine very old people feel when most of there friends have died. But Im only 45 and my friends have been between 36 and 53. Why is this happening to a community who has caused no harm. This is only an attempt at giving a teeny bit...

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