Tried to revive Father in law.We were too late.

by kimila
(san antonio)

October 17th at 7am in 2011, my mother in law ran into our home next door to thief's screaming that she needed help. I grabbed my robe and yelled to my husband in the rest room, he was getting ready for work, to come next door because of his dad. When I entered the home, he was laying on the floor in front of the restroom. I checked for a pulse but there wasn't one. That meant nothing to me. By this time my husband was beside me and screaming what do we do? We straightened him out and commenced performing CPR. It was too late, but we didn't want to give up. 911 was on the phone and then they were there but still our dad was gone. My husband and his dad had had their ups and downs but had come out of it best friends. My husband was raised old school. Boys and men don't cry and they definately don't show their feelings. I am pretty good at standing by my man as the song says. Recently my husband has entered the anger faze of grieving. Its as if overnight he came down with a horrible case of bi polar. One minute he is so angry at people around him to being so angry at God to being just so angered at his dad leaving him. His father was only 61. I feel like I am in constant battle mode hut I don't even know what I am fighting. Recently, I realized what was going on and have stopped fighting back and just stand by him the best I can. Our last child at home is 17 and he and I just listen to the anger and keep quiet and try to help him through this roughest period. I grieve quietly and by the book basically. But then he was very loved by me but not my father. I just need to know I am doing right by my husband. Everything is strained right now but we have a ways to go. This weekend will be the first fathers day without dad.

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Jun 15, 2012
thank you
by: kimila

Your story made me want to cry. I don't know what is worse, unexpected death or watching someone die the way you did. I have had to deal with a few deaths in my marriage. My husbands grandfather was in a nursing home but we refused to leave him there to die. He had throat cancer and although it had been removed the cancer had already started spreading to his brain. We lived in an apartment at the time and decided to rent another to bring him home to die. I was there until the end about 4 weeks later. He had good nurses but I handled the more uncomfortable moments of helping him bathe and use the restroom. I read him the paper daily and held his hand while he asked me if the party was over. Those weeks with him broke my heart. Just recently, in April, my own grandfather, the love of my life. He suffered from a major stroke. I rushed my mom to see him. He was suffering so bad and his body was shutting down. Watching him pass made me start experiencing horrible nightmares of these 3huge presences in there death. I don't share these experiences because I feel like my feelings are incomparable to these people in my life who have lost their fathers. I will continue to stand strong and after I wrote about my father in law, my husband and I were sitting on our deck where he turned to me and apologized. I told him I did not expect an apology. I will stand by him all the way through. This too shall pass. I am sorry about your father. He deserved so much more. But this is not something that is your fault. I understand the anger and the doubts and the what -ifs that must run through you. One day there will be peace. Stay strong and again thankyou.

Jun 14, 2012
Father in law dies after failure to revive hime
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Kimila
I am sorry for your loss of your father in law. The grief will be great and a period of sadness just now for all and you will all need to work together to support one another as best as you can.
It must be hard for you facing your husband's anger and not able to do anything. I am at that stage where I am so angry I am actually in a rage over the loss of my husband 5 weeks ago from lung cancer. My husband was in severe pain and his medication was not worked out properly and so it was not strong enough. This made my grieving so hard and difficult. When an agency nurse came to sit with Steve all night she did not want to wake Steve up to give him an injection for the pain and so by the time she went off duty so was the Marie Curie nurses and so I had to phone for a doctor and was screaming down the phone for a doctor to get here urgently and they instead took all the information by phone and it was 3 hours before a nurse came out to give this injection because they were in clinic.
When Steve passed away I wanted to phone the macmillan nurse and the nurse who sat in the night told me not to. She even told me not to wake my husband to give him his medication and it was for pain and he is supposed to have this regularly. I had a big fight with her over leaving Steve in pain all night. She said she had been a nurse for 30 years. I told her I don't care you will listen to what I have to say whether you like it or not. Everyone in the room was telling me to keep quiet and then my daughter walked in and told them to keep quiet and let me speak and say what I had to. I was angry that Steve had to suffer and not given the proper care and so I shouted out what I had to say. Anger is a normal part of grief and whether we want it or not it has to be expressed and worked out so that we can heal and move forward. The loss just kills me inside and you must feel the same way when you feel you can do nothing you are helpless. It is hard to go through each day. normal has changed forever and life is abnormal and difficult to go on with life. The pain is like nothing I have ever experienced and you will probably find this also as this is a common problem expressed on this website. The lonliness and emptiness is hard to live with each day. I hope that you will have better days ahead, and that you will be well supported.

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