Tristan - I love you baby, I really do.

by Ellen
(New York)

I lost Tristan yesterday. I lost him physically that is, I lost him many years ago. He is 34 years old, my youngest son, and one I could never reach or understand. There were times I doubted that I loved him, and was wracked with guilt over it.

Tristan struggled all his life, with learning disabilities, jobs, relationships, self esteem, and drugs. Drugs would be his final undoing. He did not die of a drug overdose, but the drugs took a toll on his body.

Tris had come around looking for a way to make money (usually that means he is on drugs and desperate)and I hired him to do my yard work. This was about 2 months ago. Unfortunately yard work and he did not work well together, but he tried. He was sloooowly getting it done, and frustrated that the weeds worked faster then he did.

The last Weekend we spent together was not planned. I was up early and going to stores, I rang him to see if he wanted to go. For all intents and purposes he was homeless. I was watching for signs that I could bring him back into my home. He readily agreed to accompany me. Getting in the car, I noticed he was not 'right' I was crest fallen. Later I would confront him about being high. He wasnt, he was on Methadone, a drug administered by a clinic to help combat heroin addiction. I encouraged him, which was rare for me, since I can be such a judgmental b*tch.

The last I saw him he had called to ask for an advance, he was hungry. I met him and gave him money. I told him to take his time getting the yard done, he promised he would get it all done. He was straight. I never saw him again.

Due to an old arrest (drugs of course) from a year prior, he was waiting trial. At his hearing the judge felt he was a flight risk as he had no mailing address. He ordered that Tristan be held in county until trial. His trial was to take place next week.

He died yesterday from a seizure. I know now, that when he entered jail, he had no drugs in his system save the administrated methadone. He was heroin free when he died, and for that I thank the gods.

I will miss his smile, his sense of humor, and his "Hi Ma" on my voicemail.

Oh, and I know now, that I truly loved Tristan.

Comments for Tristan - I love you baby, I really do.

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Sep 03, 2011
From the bottom of my heart...

..thank you.

Sep 02, 2011
So sorry for your loss

I do hear you, We hear you...I am at a loss at what to say. I lost my husband not my child. It is unfathomable that I would loose one of my children. I did have a time where drugs might have taken my oldest....It is a miracle that he is still around which is why reading this story just now, I am at a lack of words in what to say.

Just know that you can come here anytime and read about lost adult children, you are not alone here. We all grieve but in different ways. My heart goes out to all that have lost their children to illness, suicide or an accident that took them with no warning.

I don't think that we can prepare ourselves for grief, even if our loved ones were ill for along time.

Anyway I am hear and I am listening, even if I don't have the right words to sooth your tired soul. Tristan is around, looking down on you and your grief wishing he could somehow let you know that he loves you too, And that none of this was your fault.

Aug 31, 2011
by: Anonymous

I guess Im hurt that nobody cared enough to comment, even to say, "I hear you".

Grief is lonely enough....

oh well.

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