True Account of Losing a Spouse

by Karen
(Riviera Beach, FL)

It's only been not even 3 months since my Tommy died. He was diagnosed with Cancer in 1993 and was told he had a 20% chance of living 5 years. Lo and behold he has been with us until 1/1/13.....almost 20 years.
The cancer called Lipo Sarcoma is relitively rare. His was located on his upper right chest wall.

He suffered through 2 full bouts of radiation, 3 types of chemo and at least 5 surgeries. We made the best of it for the most part living a normal happy life. To be very honest, we did not have the bery best relationship but there was love.

The last surgery was June, 2012 when the Surgical Oncologest told us that the tumor had become necrotic and was dying in the middle. This activity would have pushed it into his heart and lung. The surgeon decided to make a large hole in the tumor so it could move in the other direction and grow outside of his body. This would give him more time. Within weeks, this horrible, odorous mass was outside of his body and growing. My husband was told Hospice would be best in controlling his pain and keeping the area clean with fresh dressings every day. They were wonderful!

By October he was having alot of confusion. Not because of the morphine which was low dose and well controlled but because the cancer had halted blood flow to his brain. My husband could not accept the fact that he was dying and tried to do his usual activities. At times this made life difficult for me because he was falling and needed to stop driving. He ended up in a Hospice facility for 9 days before he went to a Nursing home for 3 weeks. I felt so bad but he was safe, clean and comfortable there and I was able to get a little rest.

I didn't know how hard this would be for me. You know people will stop calling but it's hard and very lonely. Sunday is Easter and I have such wonderful memories. This year I will be alone. I've never cried so much in my life. I just hope my husband has no more suffering and a wonderful afterlife. I really do miss him.

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Mar 30, 2013
Losing your spouse
by: June

Karen, I feel so sorry for you. It is very hard and life is not the same. I lost my husband, Mike, a year ago. I think the pain of loss is worse today than it was in the beginning. I probably was in shock (didn't think I was) for most of last year. I know how you feel, I have great friends, neighbours, and family, but they have their own lives. My daughter and family are having the Easter dinner and want me to come, which is very nice, but this year I just don't feel like getting together. I volunteer at a homeless shelter on Sunday's so will probably put in two shifts on Easter and miss dinner altogether.
Nothing I can say will help, for me, time has not taken the pain away. Today has been quite a sad and teary one for me so I took my dog and went for a ride and bought some daffodils (they are out in this part of the country), this did help in a small way.
Just like you, I hope Mike is somewhere nice and just waiting for me to join him. As I've said before the song by Paul Brandt "Together Again" is what I'm looking forward to. My dog and cat keep me going, along with my grandchildren.
This site is a great place to express your feelings and the advice and experience that others give who are going through this is invaluable.
Thinking about you.

Mar 30, 2013
True Account of Losing a Spouse
by: Doreen U.K.

Karen I am sorry for your loss of your husband to cancer. You are in the same place as me losing my husband almost coming up to 11 months ago to a deadly cancer called MESOTHELIOMA. Lung cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS. My husband's cancer was incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. He had no chance to survive. This cancer takes between 40-60yrs. to develop and my husband was spot on for 40yrs. I prayed to God He would heal my Steve and let him have another 20yrs. but this was not to be and I lost him at age 65yrs. just before proper retirement.
I know how you feel. It is the worst experience now for us to be ALL ALONE.
I am sorry that tomorrow Easter Day you will be alone. Do you have any other family who could be with you on this day? But as you say. People stop calling. Many of us have found the same problem. I feel more alone now as my supportive family have moved beyond my loss and so busy now to keep in touch as often. this intensifies my grief as it must also do for you. All my sister's are having their families over for Easter. Life has no quality now. I feel so sad for you. It is not as if we who are alone can get together as we all live poles apart in different countries and states.
The only way we are going to break out of our LONLINESS is to try in time to build our own independent life. Otherwise we will be drowning in our own ALONENESS. It is not going to be easy but you will find many experiences on this site of other's who have eventually managed to build their lives to be meaningful. This will give us HOPE that we can move forward.

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