Truly Alone this Christmas
My Sister from Arkansas
I discovered tonight how truly alone this Christmas I will be even though I'm on my second year.
My last Christmas in Arkansas with Billy was cold, really cold I mean the weather. It must have been below zero.
Barbara Kay put up her Christmas tree and Billy joke it was a Jenny Craig tree because it was tall but thin and not round at the bottom. It was the best Christmas, exchanging gifts, Billy made me close my eyes to show me and surprise me with a new jacket from Tony Stewart my NASCAR driver I follow. Barbara Kay and I cooked and baked for Christmas Eve dinner at her sisters place (I found I was inducted as there sister) and we played dirty Santa.
Move forward, this last Christmas I was at my brother and sister-in-laws house. Christmas tree up, family of her's around and I survived. Now there not talking to me... I've been to honest and have hurt feelings. I also thought family would never leave you. Hello ~ NOT!!!!
Present now, I'm in my apartment, alone, no tree at this moment but I'm thinking I might but then it's only me so maybe not ~ I'm still not sure. I want to decorate because I love Christmas but I'm wondering if I'm giving myself more pain, sorrow and crying because I'm alone. I'm so frustrated.... Now I'm truly alone this Christmas. My heart hurts so much and I miss Billy more and more as Christmas gets closer.
I keep thinking I'll get a tree and do the Christmas thing with my mother, dinner and just throw myself into something to do something. I keep saying I'm not doing the decorating thing because its just me but I found myself at the store buying little frosty's with Santa hat lights that sing and are now hanging around my TV. Stupid but me. I just don't know...
I've gathered tins to bake and other things I want to send my son for Christmas so I'm working on that. I can't drive to CA for Christmas with my son because of my job, retail as everybody knows is public bounded. Thanksgiving day and Christmas day will be my only day's off. Thanksgiving day I'll be at the Rescue Mission volunteering and Christmas???? who knows...
So I've taken a deep breathe and I'm here, so I guess I'll find out how the coming days will go...
Christmas tree yes??? No???? the jury is still out on that one...
Check back with me later because I know I'll be jumping back and forth on this fence for awhile....
But until then
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year, 4 months