Truly Alone this Christmas

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Sister from Arkansas

My Sister from Arkansas

I discovered tonight how truly alone this Christmas I will be even though I'm on my second year.
My last Christmas in Arkansas with Billy was cold, really cold I mean the weather. It must have been below zero.
Barbara Kay put up her Christmas tree and Billy joke it was a Jenny Craig tree because it was tall but thin and not round at the bottom. It was the best Christmas, exchanging gifts, Billy made me close my eyes to show me and surprise me with a new jacket from Tony Stewart my NASCAR driver I follow. Barbara Kay and I cooked and baked for Christmas Eve dinner at her sisters place (I found I was inducted as there sister) and we played dirty Santa.
Move forward, this last Christmas I was at my brother and sister-in-laws house. Christmas tree up, family of her's around and I survived. Now there not talking to me... I've been to honest and have hurt feelings. I also thought family would never leave you. Hello ~ NOT!!!!
Present now, I'm in my apartment, alone, no tree at this moment but I'm thinking I might but then it's only me so maybe not ~ I'm still not sure. I want to decorate because I love Christmas but I'm wondering if I'm giving myself more pain, sorrow and crying because I'm alone. I'm so frustrated.... Now I'm truly alone this Christmas. My heart hurts so much and I miss Billy more and more as Christmas gets closer.
I keep thinking I'll get a tree and do the Christmas thing with my mother, dinner and just throw myself into something to do something. I keep saying I'm not doing the decorating thing because its just me but I found myself at the store buying little frosty's with Santa hat lights that sing and are now hanging around my TV. Stupid but me. I just don't know...
I've gathered tins to bake and other things I want to send my son for Christmas so I'm working on that. I can't drive to CA for Christmas with my son because of my job, retail as everybody knows is public bounded. Thanksgiving day and Christmas day will be my only day's off. Thanksgiving day I'll be at the Rescue Mission volunteering and Christmas???? who knows...
So I've taken a deep breathe and I'm here, so I guess I'll find out how the coming days will go...
Christmas tree yes??? No???? the jury is still out on that one...
Check back with me later because I know I'll be jumping back and forth on this fence for awhile....
But until then
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year, 4 months

Comments for Truly Alone this Christmas

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Nov 10, 2011
Holidays and grieving
by: Anonymous

This is the worse time of the year for survivors of spouses or it definitely is for will be my second holidays spent with out my Garry who pass January 21 2010 after an intense long illness ...we were together 45 year "married" total 47..last year I choose to stay home..ALONE, ALL ALONE...I just couldn't bring myself to be around some ways being selfish because of my grand kids only did they lose there grandpa, grandma wasn't there either..But my pain was still to deep but I don't suggest anyone doing it this way.I cried so hard and long I made myself sick..... the hole in my heart had never been sooo empty.I went weeks without bathing only eating a few thing. I did get out of bed but was on the computer 24/7 looking for some answers to help me with this despair....And hear it comes again..What to do this year I'm already sitting here crying just thinking about it...

Nov 09, 2011
Christmas Past present and future?
by: Anonymous

Last year was my 2nd Christmas without Paul. He died in Dec so the first one I robotically did what I thought was expected of me. The 2nd year I was angry a year had passed since he died and the magical calm that I assumed would wash over me was non existent. I in fact was more insane with grief thinking that I had made it to the finish line yet felt worse. After Christmas was over being crazy with grief I bought Christmas stuff trees decorations etc even though I swore I would never celebrate it again without My Love.

It is as though we torture ourselves with memories just to feel, feel something that reminds us of them even if it hurts to do so. Some way to cling on to the past that will never be again. As this Christmas rolls forward without my permission I am unsure how I will deal with it. I still do not want to celebrate it but I have a 13 year old who does not deserve to be punished with my bah humbug.

We all do non-sensical things because of grief. we pull ourselves into the very memories that burn and hurt. Why? I do not know. I do know that as time passes we can remember our Loves with a warmth that wraps us in contentment knowing that we were so very lucky to have has that kind of love.

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