Truthfully? The whole thing just s**ks

by Debi
(Delaware, Ohio, UsA)

November 27, 2013

My mom is dead. Dead. We went from a leaking wall in the aorta at one hospital, life flighted to another hospital, to, "You're mother is dying." 4 hours of surgery repaired my mother's aeorta. She couldn't be removed from life support. Her lungs could no longer function. The doctor scrubbed out, and told us we had a decision to make. He kindly reminded of us of her DNR. Now mind you this DNR, wasn't important 4 hours before they started surgery. Why? Because mom consented to the surgery.
Hmf...they didn't worry about the DNR 20 minutes into the surgery, which she died twice and they brought her back, they informed us before moving us to the orange area on the surgical floor.
The whole thing just s**ks. I'm 45 years old. I'm a big girl and I should be able to deal with this. My dad passed away 2 years ago. But I had time to plan and accept, to know.
This just s**ks.
I want her here with me. Yes, I want to greedy and keep mom her for me. But no. I had to make a decison, a s**ky decision. I had to tell these doctors to kill my mother.
Mom is a good, good woman. Always been there. No matter how many times I moved. Mom is there to set up my kitchen. Mom is there when my son comes home from college.
I cry, cry, cry. Can't sleep. I have to go to work. I loved her so much, yet the only thing I got to tell her, "You're not doing this today." As I kissed her cheek before being rushed into surgery.
I never had my eyes become swollen or puffy from tears.
Now I have. Just when you think you can't shed another tear because your eyes hurt from so many tears, yep, you can still cry.
I cannot type all the wonderful things about my mom, because they are gone.
I can tell you she taught me many things. Helped me raise to great sons.
I don't know whether to cry, get angry, or who I should be angry with. I have so many questions. And guess what? Can't call dad, cause you know he's gone too.
So many memories flood my mind, good and bad, so I'll be hot mess with tears and nose running, all of a sudden laugh.
Oh, and the pain in my chest, man, it is like a tightening of the lungs that can't get enough air.
But no matter what I feel, mom is gone. And it su**s, royally.
My siblings? Well at the hospital my sister thanked everyone. Thanked them for what? I'm not gonna thank them. She thanked the doctors who worked on her. She thanked the nurses who got her ready after they pronounced her dead and we could view her. She thanked the nurse who got me a chair so I could sit with her, (which I didn't, I stood rubbing her forehead,) as I kissed my mom goodbye, and left the death room at the hospital, my sister was still thanking them. Whatever.
My baby brother. Keeps telling me to pull it together.
My sons, 19 & 20. They are grieving in their own way, she was they're Grammy and their 2nd mom.
My sister doesn't want the hugs or the condolences. Me?
Just open up your arms and let me cry on your shoulder. I'm leaning on everyone. I feel like I'm pity lookout. Just 3 days ago, the plaque they send you from the organ donor place came. I opened it, started bawling. Well, this co-worker had come by to chat, I know he thinks I'm a lunatic.
He had no clue my mom had died. Poor man. I had him in tears with me. He just, pulled he close and told me to take as long as I needed. Here, I'm suppose to be helping him with his life.
All I can say is that I think Christmas is lame this year. I've got a candle, that I plan on lighting when I do have Christmas dinner. The 1st Christmas dinner without mom's touch. God, this just s**ks... any who thanks for being here. I wish ya had known her.

Comments for Truthfully? The whole thing just s**ks

Click here to add your own comments

Dec 24, 2013
Dear Debi
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry to read about your mom. I lost my father in January-he collapsed and died from sudden cardiac arrest. Everything happened so fast and I believe I still in shock. This whole year has been unbelieveably hard, but I am a complete mess now. I knew the holidays would be hard, but this is almost unbearable. I have been crying so much and my body physically aches. My dad and I were very close and I feel like my heart is breaking. I am also in my 40's and am trying to keep it together for my kids. I can only offer you support, and hope you can find some peace and can begin to heal. I will keep you in my prayers.Many hugs to you, Barb

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!