Trying hard tomlive each day!

by KDC
(Pennsylvania)

My husband of 26+ years asked me for a divorce in January. I am totally blindsided. He insist he has been telling me things were bad for years, and I knew this was coming. This is so not true! I noticed the change in him in November after he got physical with me and I left for two days and stayed at my sons home. We have 2 wonderful children in their 20's. I found out he had cheated on me ...after he asked for the divorce (so he says), and have recently discovered he was (not sure if he still is) taking steroids. He works out at a gym daily. It has gone from what I thought and believed was a decent, good marriage (no marriage is perfect) to absolutely horrible treatment from him. A thou he is now telling me I have been horrible for 26 years, he has never been in love with me and I am the nastiest person ever! On top of all this our family has been destroyed.

I am a mess! I have never cried so hard and felt such physical, mental and emotional pain. Many people are telling thepain is worse than a death of a spouse (even people who had loving marriages and are widowed). I would never want to compare my pain to that of someone who lost a spouse to death.

I want to feel relief somehow but the grief is so overwhelming. How can the pain be so devastating to one and not the other?

Everyone has been supportive but I am so upset over this that I can't imagine feeling more pain if my spouse had died. Is that wrong to feel that way?

I want to help my children deal with this but they are having mixed feelings. I think it would have been maybe easier on them had they been younger and not secure in our family situation.

They say that for women over 40, which I proudly am, who divorce, it takes at least 1 year for every 5 years of marriage to deal with this and move on. It will take me approx. 5 years after divorce to get over it. I know I never will and no amount of time will take away the pain and loss.

Comments for Trying hard tomlive each day!

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Oct 27, 2014
Dear "Trying hard"
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds almost identical to mine. I am so sorry. I know exactly what you have gone through. My husband of 16 years never said he was unhappy. He starts an affair and all of a sudden I'm the worst person on the planet...You and I are both suffering from what is called "Abandoned Wife Syndrome," and we are NOT alone. It is devastating, and I believe it IS worse than a death, because it is a loss combined with betrayal. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand, and again, I am so sorry. There are only two people on this planet that I would wish this on. It is a living hell.

Jul 14, 2013
Trying hard to live each day!
by: Doreen U.K.

KDC I wanted to add to my post by saying that we all go into marriage with some baggage. A lot of men are not good at CONFRONTING their baggage or issues within a marriage and as the years go by a man can grow more discontent with his lot. Marriages bring many issues up and some men don't want to deal with them or try to work things out, so perhaps will think it is his wife's fault that he is so unhappy. A lot of men just stay in a marriage and the wife gets to one day feel this is not working, but she can't get into her husband's head to find out what is going on. He doesn't communicate how he feels and so ups one day and finds that an affair will give him the boost he needs. Then he starts finding fault with his wife. This should make you feel a whole lot better and not start questioning yourself. Counselling will give you the private space to grieve your loss of marriage and investment of 26yrs. You CAN and will make a success of any future relationship, but it will depend on how you feel about yourself after being in a 26yr marriage. Just don't do what a lot of women do which is to let the EX come by and so ends up using both women for his own satisfaction. This would be degrading to you. Make a success of your life. You may find Love again when the time is right and you have gotton your EX out of your system and you will have a good life which you will have a lot longer than he may have. I know it will hurt not growing old with the man you loved and married. But he made a CHOICE to leave you. When things don't work out he may come back to you. DON'T LET HIM IN. Because when he has lived with another womans ways he may really find out the problem was him and not you, he may end up feeling that he misses you and talk you into taking him back. Tell him he is second hand goods now and send him packing. this is just another perspective of when a man leaves his wife this could happen.

Jul 13, 2013
you are not alone
by: Anonymous

You are not alone honey..
When this happened to me ,I started searching high and low for a support group and finally found what I consider the best available..BEYOND AFFAIRS NETWORK.
Here i got support and realized that Husbands will rewrite history to cover their guilt..
Here is also where my healing journey started.
I encourage you to check out the website.
I have a long way to go thru the hurt ,pain and rejection,but dont give up.Others that have traveled in my shoes say it will get better??
I choose to believe that,even tho its hard..
LOVE

Jul 05, 2013
Trying hard to live each day
by: Doreen U.K.

KDC this is a womans worst nightmare that after a long marriage she felt secure in she suddenly gets a shock that her husband didn't love her as much as she thought he did and then he starts cheating and then wants a divorce.
These feelings he is expressing is all about him and not you. Ignore him saying that you are a nasty person for 26yrs. and he never loved you. This is all talk of a cheating man. Something happens to a mans brain when he has an affair. He starts spueing rubbish to make the mother of his children feel that the marriage was a lie. This will do more harm to your 2 children in their 20's. They will start questioning if their father loved them. You could all benefit from seeing a counsellor if only to assist you in your grief of the loss of a marriage and the years of investment now gone. Your children need time and space to work out their own feelings but you need to know where they are at and how they are expressing this because for a child no matter how old to suddenly feel their father never loved them will affect them if not processed and explored.
I was married for 44yrs. and lost my husband to cancer 14 months ago. My sister-in-law always flirted with my husband and would tell him about the women he could have had. His family would create in him a discontent for me. We almost split up over much what they did. I lived a turbulent life. But my husband knew I loved him to death and he was my first and last love. So we had our difficulties as no marriage is perfect. It is so difficult to live with this type of insecurity. I took myself into counselling and resolved my losses and became a whole person. I related better and I knew myself. My husband could not talk of my issues without talking of his. He never dealt with his insecurities, but I did. I never felt so liberated and Free after counselling. I nursed my husband through 3yrs.39days of the worst cancer ever. He got it before he died HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. He knew it by the level of care I gave him. I am crushed by his death but I live with the freedom that no woman could take him away from me. This is a hard one to deal with. It throws up so many questions in your mind that make you question yourself. DON'T DO THIS. This is more about him than you. If he was miserable for 26yrs. He knew where the door was. he could have left. He will one day live to regret this. WALK TALL. And show him that you can make a success of your life without him. It won't be easy but you can do it. Get good support.

Jul 04, 2013
No way
by: Anonymous

KDC, I want to add that ,while a divorce after 26 years of marrige is most horrible when you thought you had a good one, itisin no way like having lost a spouse to death. Yor ex will still be alive for your children to share.

My husband passed 2 years 10 months ago and I've been divorced before and there is no comparison. They are entirely two different types of losses.

AND let me say all the warning signs were there but you just did not see them. Look back and really see your relationship in a new light ..you'll see that they were there all along.

Hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not alone. Jerks leave good women all the time and tell them they were the reason it happened instead of saying I just don't love you anymore and I've been seeing another woman. Don't worry, men like this will end up old and alone because they are chasing the elusive butterfly of youth.

Jul 04, 2013
One day at a Time
by: Judith in California

Dear KDC, please read my replies to "MAD At Myself" and "Lost and Confused. Wish I could forget my life!". My replies to them is the same reply for you.

BE hurt, Be disappointed, then Be strong and get your back bone and show him you can and will live without his abusive, cruel, demeaing , awful sorry butt. Consider everything he has told you an outright lie. Don't discuss how you feel with your children or tell them of the troubles other than what they hae seen or gone through. It's not their business and they shouldn't be involed because they will still have contact with him.

Work on becoming strong and self reliant and re-define yourself.
Get mad and get moving on.

Time will be what it is. Don't listen to someone who will tell you how long you will or should get over something. Decide right now what you are missing. I'll bet it's what you hoped your relationship was rather than what it really is. Men like him will not care one darn minute aout how you feel. It's all about the narcissistic, abusive jerk he became.

An like I told the other two ladies , you are not who or what he has defined you as in his verbally ausive tirades.

May God give you the strength to move on and become the strong independant self reliant woman you were meant to be.

Jul 03, 2013
Fix mistakes
by: KDC

Should of read "Trying hard to live each day"

Also for every 5 years of marriage it takes 1 (one) year to recover. Sorry!!

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