Trying to cope without you

by Modena
(Mississippi)

We were high school sweethearts and married when we were 20 and 21. We had our ups and downs and there were so many times that I said ugly things to you that I know I should not have said. When you were diagnosed with a brain tumor, I knew it wasn't your fault and although we were not the happiest couple in the world, I knew there was no way that I could turn my back on you. I know you would've done the same thing for me. I felt like you didn't appreciate me enough for everything I did for you and for that I told you I was so sorry. I couldn't take back the way I felt, but I could and did make my feelings known to you. I don't know if you understood me, but I would like to think that you did. There are so many days now that I feel like I don't have a purpose in life. I spent so much time taking care of you and working and although I resented it somewhat, I know now that I was so wrong and I really had a purpose when I had you here for me to take care of. It kept me busy and now some days i just dont have anything to do all day except get ready for work. I dont want to make work the whole focus of my life, but if i keep going the way i am now, that will be what happens.We had 27 years together and I know I will never find anyone to love me the way you did. That's the scary part of being by myself. I had you for over half my life and although I knew you were sick, I never thought it would be this hard to be without you. I know you are in a better place and you looked so peaceful when you had taken your last breath. You looked healthier than you had looked since you became gravely ill in October. I try to think of you that day and not when you were sick. When I do, it makes me feel th epeace that I know you felt. I have days like today when my heart is so heavy and I don't know how I'm going to go on, but I know if I was strong enough to endure your illness and fight with and for you through it, I know I can make it. Please know that I love you and you are forever in my heart. Look down on me and walk with me and give the strength to make it through.

Comments for Trying to cope without you

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Jul 26, 2012
My heart echoes all your words
by: Anthony

Modena - thank you for penning down your thoughts. really appreciate it as this is exactly how I feel. In my case, I lost my wife Constance, to lung cancer. Totally empty and purposeless now - no reason to live, just on zombie mode.

rgds Anthony

Jul 21, 2012
Trying to cope without you
by: Anonymous

Modena I am sorry for your loss. Life is so very painfull now full of sorrow and grief. We are all with you in this sorrow. You are not ALONE. You appear to have nursed your loved one through this cancer until death. This is a hard battle for all of us to come through. But it does take time. This is a very painfull journey. Take one day at a time. Live for the moment. The emptiness and lonliness we feel now when we lose our loved one is going to be with us forever. We can only in time celebrate the life we lived with our loved one. I know you will get through this grief in time. Life will get better. But for now if your grief is too much. Seek a grief counsellor for support.

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