Trying to deal with the guilt and loss of my love.

I am 63 and he is 71yrs old. We met 9 months ago on a online dating site and live in different states. I eventually moved in with him and had never been happier.
He told all of his friends that we had known each other for a very long time but lost contact and reconnected. I guess our relationship was based on a lie as he asked me to back his story up when asked how we met. I did what he asked, but was never comfortable with it. I asked him to please tell the truth to his lovely friends which I don't think he did. When I met him, he was a recent widower. His wife was ill for 3 yrs and died 3 months before we met. They had been married for 12yrs.
Living with him was my dream come true. I was in love with him. We had such fun together, went everywhere together. Things changed a month ago. He became very secretive with his computer and was texting unknown people at all hours of the night. He knew how I felt about being on dating sites since we were together and I trusted him to have cancelled his memberships. I believe he did cancel his memberships, but he still had the names and contact numbers of some of the women he had been seeing when his wife was dying. Yes, I believe he cheated on his dying wife. Red flags were waving in my face. I had warned him what I would do if I caught him cheating on me. I would leave him. I had been down that road with my ex husband and would not tolerate it again.
On a recent Thursday night, he became ill. Chills, fever, sweating. He moved from our bedroom to the extra bedroom because he didn't want me to catch what he thought was the flu. At one in the morning, I went to check on him because he was so ill. I found him standing by his bed, phone in hand, texting someone. He said he was checking his messages. I went back to bed very suspicious. 15 minutes later I went back to see him and he was lying in bed, texting and had a yellow index card lying on his chest. This is a man that is deathly ill! I asked what he was doing and was told he was just looking at his phone. The next day he was still very ill and I told him I would take him to the clinic to see what was wrong with him and get him on some medicine. When he got in the shower, I checked the pockets of the sweat pants he had on. There I found the yellow index card he had had lying on his chest the night before. On the card was the name, address and phone number of a woman from a different state. I confronted him but was too angry to deal with it and took him to the clinic. He had pneumonia. I had a broken heart. I took him home, got his medicine and took care of him as best I could. Now, it is Sunday and he is not getting well. We went back to the clinic, then onto the ER. We got him checked in and settled in his room. I stayed with him and back-burnered my pain. While in the hospital, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He wanted to marry me. I never responded as I felt he was scared and very sick. On Tuesday he asked to use my laptop to check his messages. While doing this he fell asleep. I took the laptop from him and looked at his emails. He was planning to meet this lady (yellow index card) on his way to see his children in another state. I was invited to go on this trip but then was uninvited. It all made sense to me now. He knew there was something terribly wrong with me, but I couldn't talk. I was shocked, enraged, lost, offended and heart broken. I went home later that night, I believe he knew, I knew something and his *secret life* was now known. When at home, I looked again at his emails. I was devastated as he had cheated on his wife, his girlfriends and now me. Devastated and enraged, I packed my things and left for my home on Wednesday. I sent him a text message telling him to call his other girlfriends to take care of him, that he was a cheater and a liar and I was going home. He tried to get me to stay or at least talk to him. I wouldn't. His Son has come to take care of him. His family and friends hate me for leaving him when he is so sick. ( Pneumonia and Valley Fever) He will be sick for a long time.
Now, that my anger has subsided, the guilt is taking its toll on me. I still love him deeply. I want to be with him. I want to take care of him. Was I being selfish in leaving him? Should I have stayed and not been so impulsive? I feel like I am dying. His family and friends hate me and it is killing me. His family has also told everyone not to give me any updates on his health. What am I to do?

Comments for Trying to deal with the guilt and loss of my love.

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Jun 09, 2014
Just not that into you
by: Debby

I'm sure you've heard about that book, or maybe the movie. I don't want to be harsh, but, he's just not that into you. You said yourself, there were red flags. Why would you doubt what you know in your heart to be true? You don't need to feel guilty about ANYTHING! Mostly, just respect yourself. You did the right thing (in my opinion) for leaving the cheater. The rest of your life would be watching and wondering if he was stepping out on you. That's in between taking care of him. He's getting on in years and will need care at some point again. I think you would come to resent him, that's just bad all around. I for one, am glad you had the sense to leave. Maybe you thought he was YOUR love, but I'm sorry, you were not his! Count your blessings.
All the best,

Jun 04, 2014
by: Anonymous

Hi and thank you for your words of wisdom! No, I won't tolerate being disrespected or cheated on. That is why I packed up and went home. His family hates me because blood is thicker than water. I abandoned him in his time of severe illness. His family and friends do NOT know everything he has done. They don't know about his secret life. They are protecting their kin and friend. They don't know me well or at all.
These words, I can't get out of my head,
** It's best you figure out what it is about a cheater that makes you feel guilty for doing the right thing ** These words stabbed me in the heart. I couldn't stop thinking about them. I will continue to search for the answer to that. I'm sure it will be like peeling back an onion.
I will keep you updated on my progress and thank you for the blunt in your face words! I needed it!

Jun 03, 2014
Trying to deal
by: Anonymous

Dear Trying, Sick or not he was never going to be what you needed .
He First off, didn't wait a sufficient amount of time after his wife passed in order to be with you. IF he cheated on her then he didn't love her that much. Then you are willing to give up your standards for a man who would cheat on you. It's best you figure out what it is about a cheater that makes you feel guilty for doing the right thing and leaving his sorry, sick behind. He was manipulative and you fell for it . If you choose to re-enter that one sided relationship then you need counseling. Are you that *amn lonely?!!! I'd rather read a book.

What's to deal with...guilt over a man who would have made you miserable and always having to check on him like a mommy. GEEZ!

Jun 03, 2014
Trying to deal with the guilt and loss of my love.
by: Doreen UK

You should change your FOCUS to his CHEATING! and not on his illness. Then perhaps you will be able to think clearly what all this is about unless you like being DISRESPECTED. Lied to. Of little importance. Used as his carer. being hurt continually. etc. etc. What do you value in a relationship? Are you getting it? Are you being RESPECTED? are you being VALUED? How does it feel when the man you love is making a fool out of you time and time again?
If his family and friends Hate you. So What? Tell them to go round and look after him. This is the one area that God did give permission for A divorce in cases of INFIDELITY. Do you think that He will change? Wisdom usually comes with old age. How old does he have to get before he wises up to what he is doing. If this was me I know I couldn't tolerate INFIDELITY and I would walk away with my Integrity, and Dignity. I value myself and would not let myself be made a fool of. If his family and friends hate you for walking away from him then there may be more going on than you are admitting, because this doesn't make sense to me. Any relationship will not survive CHEATING. or INFIDELITY. If your needs are not being met then you need to find someone who can meet your needs and you meet his needs. Companionship is what most people want in any relationship. Perhaps you were just a convenient person to be with after he lost his wife and now his needs have changed. I can't understand why he wants to marry you, and behave this way towards you? He has double standards. Please write back and let us know what you do?
Good Luck.

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