Trying to deal with the guilt and loss of my love.
I am 63 and he is 71yrs old. We met 9 months ago on a online dating site and live in different states. I eventually moved in with him and had never been happier.
He told all of his friends that we had known each other for a very long time but lost contact and reconnected. I guess our relationship was based on a lie as he asked me to back his story up when asked how we met. I did what he asked, but was never comfortable with it. I asked him to please tell the truth to his lovely friends which I don't think he did. When I met him, he was a recent widower. His wife was ill for 3 yrs and died 3 months before we met. They had been married for 12yrs.
Living with him was my dream come true. I was in love with him. We had such fun together, went everywhere together. Things changed a month ago. He became very secretive with his computer and was texting unknown people at all hours of the night. He knew how I felt about being on dating sites since we were together and I trusted him to have cancelled his memberships. I believe he did cancel his memberships, but he still had the names and contact numbers of some of the women he had been seeing when his wife was dying. Yes, I believe he cheated on his dying wife. Red flags were waving in my face. I had warned him what I would do if I caught him cheating on me. I would leave him. I had been down that road with my ex husband and would not tolerate it again.
On a recent Thursday night, he became ill. Chills, fever, sweating. He moved from our bedroom to the extra bedroom because he didn't want me to catch what he thought was the flu. At one in the morning, I went to check on him because he was so ill. I found him standing by his bed, phone in hand, texting someone. He said he was checking his messages. I went back to bed very suspicious. 15 minutes later I went back to see him and he was lying in bed, texting and had a yellow index card lying on his chest. This is a man that is deathly ill! I asked what he was doing and was told he was just looking at his phone. The next day he was still very ill and I told him I would take him to the clinic to see what was wrong with him and get him on some medicine. When he got in the shower, I checked the pockets of the sweat pants he had on. There I found the yellow index card he had had lying on his chest the night before. On the card was the name, address and phone number of a woman from a different state. I confronted him but was too angry to deal with it and took him to the clinic. He had pneumonia. I had a broken heart. I took him home, got his medicine and took care of him as best I could. Now, it is Sunday and he is not getting well. We went back to the clinic, then onto the ER. We got him checked in and settled in his room. I stayed with him and back-burnered my pain. While in the hospital, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He wanted to marry me. I never responded as I felt he was scared and very sick. On Tuesday he asked to use my laptop to check his messages. While doing this he fell asleep. I took the laptop from him and looked at his emails. He was planning to meet this lady (yellow index card) on his way to see his children in another state. I was invited to go on this trip but then was uninvited. It all made sense to me now. He knew there was something terribly wrong with me, but I couldn't talk. I was shocked, enraged, lost, offended and heart broken. I went home later that night, I believe he knew, I knew something and his *secret life* was now known. When at home, I looked again at his emails. I was devastated as he had cheated on his wife, his girlfriends and now me. Devastated and enraged, I packed my things and left for my home on Wednesday. I sent him a text message telling him to call his other girlfriends to take care of him, that he was a cheater and a liar and I was going home. He tried to get me to stay or at least talk to him. I wouldn't. His Son has come to take care of him. His family and friends hate me for leaving him when he is so sick. ( Pneumonia and Valley Fever) He will be sick for a long time.
Now, that my anger has subsided, the guilt is taking its toll on me. I still love him deeply. I want to be with him. I want to take care of him. Was I being selfish in leaving him? Should I have stayed and not been so impulsive? I feel like I am dying. His family and friends hate me and it is killing me. His family has also told everyone not to give me any updates on his health. What am I to do?