Trying to live without her

by Michael Stryker
(Frederica, Delaware. U.S.A.)

I was married to a wonderful women named Tammy for twelve and half years (with her for eighteen). We were the best of friends for sure, we were clearly soul mates and now she's gone, been gone for three years now. Let me take a minute to tell you a little bit more about her. She was the type of person who would help anyone at any time, she was a hard working mother of two. The love for family was just endless.(That's why i'll never understand why her) OK, now the hard part. On Dec. 19th everything was fine, we were decorating the Christmas tree as a family like we always did. Later that night Tammy started to feel very tired, she suffer from C.O.P.D. so we just figured that it was just from having a busy day with doing all the running around. She would get out of breath easily from the asthma. The following day(Dec. 20th 2008) she got up and went to work as usual. But later that day she came home from work a couple hours early, complaining about being very tired again. I asked her if she wants to go to the hospital and get looked at, and she said no I'm just tired and wanted to take a nap.So she laid down, we gave each other a kiss, said I love you to each other like we've done a million times before. Me and the kids had to finish Christmas shopping for Tammy, So we decided while mom took a nap we will run to the C.V.S. right down the street. Since Tammy wasn't feeling good, we didn't want be gone to long. Well, that decision will haunt me the rest of my life. We were gone maybe twenty minutes and that's all it took. Tammy had a massive heart attack and went into cardiac arrest. She passed in the ambulance on route to the hospital and in a split second our life's went from getting ready for the holidays(our favorite holiday)too a complete nightmare.Now every day is full of pain. I loved her so much and miss her terribly everyday. I know in my heart she would never want to hurt me and the kids, and see us suffering. But its so so hard trying to live each and everyday without her.

Comments for Trying to live without her

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Feb 03, 2012
Trying to live
by: M Mack

Hello Michael,

I am so sorry for your loss. Loosing a soulmate is devastating and crushes your life completely. Yet, somehow we all make it and others on this site testify firsthand that you will come out the other side. Meanwhile we suffer, always feeling like we could have done something differently. Don't be so hard on yourself and know it was her time to be called home. I believe things happen for a reason - you took the kids away to get some of her shopping done. This was probably a Godsend they weren't standing next to her as she took her last breath. This would be more imbedded into all of your minds. Instead, you came home and her pain was gone- you found her at peace.

I lost the love of my life 18 months ago. I wasn't home when he passed and I too carry a lot of guilt. I miss him so much and not a day or night goes by that I don't relive the memory of us. I am also trying to move forward a little bit at a time. Know you are not alone and we are all here to listen. Please take care of you and your family the best you can. She would want this and I'm sure she is with you in spirit, helping you along. My best to you and keep your chin up. Praying for all of our strength and comfort.

Feb 01, 2012
Living Without Her
by: TrishJ

My heart breaks for you. I lost my husband on December 3rd, my brother and best friend on December 19th. Every year at Christmas I relive both of their deaths and it really takes away from any holiday spirit.
I can't even begin to imagine coming home and finding your wife like you did. Please don't assume the guilt. What would have transpired had you been home? Maybe you wouldn't have checked on her for an hour or so and it would've happened anyway.
She loves you, always will, and would want you to be happy. It sounds like you are a fairly young man still and your children are very dependent on you. It's hard but we have to move on the sake of those around us.
Moving on after my husband's death is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. I'm still working on moving on 14 months later. It's a constant work in progress.
Everyone grieves differently but I think the thing you really need to concentrate on is easing the burden you are carrying of any guilt. It was with love in your heart that you left the house, Christmas shopping for your wife. It's not like you were out in a bar and left your sick wife home all alone. Trust me when I say that your wife knows you love her. She now knows everything you are feeling and thinking. She will be with you always.
God bless.

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