Trying to Stay Afloat in a Sea of Loss
by T. Fleming
(Fort Worth, TX)
My father died unexpectedly after being ill with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease for 4 years. The day he died, we thought the doctor would give my Dad a breathing treatment and keep him in the hospital a day or two. 13 hours later my Dad drew his last breath with us at his bedside.
That was February 2009.
In August of 2010, my son, my only child, was in a car wreck. He was in a coma from the time of the wreck. One operation and a month and a day later, he died in a rest home where he had been sent to wake up.
In April 2011, my mother's Alzheimer's got the point she could no longer live in her home alone any longer. We moved her to an independent living apartment, and had to clean out the house since it was reverse mortgaged and once it was no longer occupied by my Mom and Dad, it went to the bank.
Three family members in three years, plus my childhood home.
Add to this a lawsuit against the rest home my son was in (we won). That was emotionally draining.
During all of this, I was "ok". I took care of business, got things taken care of and carried on.
Now, I'm falling apart.
My son's birthday was this past February and it's set me off again.
I have recurring/remitting MS. All this stress of the last three years has caught up to me and it's laid me out.
I'm having trouble lifting my right leg and that makes it hard to drive and walk. I get tired very easily. I'm depressed off and on, and I cry daily.
It's been remarked about me that "It's all just now hitting her", and that's right.
I want to return to normal function, but for the time being, I don't give a damn about getting anything done.
I love to read, but I find it hard to read my favorite genre, horror. Same with movies. In fact, I can't sit through a film easily. I do better with episodic TV. I have a book review blog that I don't care about anymore. I used to love to bake and cook. Now I don't care.
I feel robbed.
Of my family, but that can't be fixed.
Of my life, that I can fix. I think. I'm attempting to fix it at least.
I have a fantastic support system.
I eat well, following a balanced and sensible diet.
I drink a lot of water.
I do yoga and qi gong daily.
I try to meditate.
I use aroma therapy to help myself relax.
I try to relax.
I've been plagued by spikes of fear lately, but those seem to be dissipating somewhat.
I know I will get better, and I know it takes time, and I know it's something I have to work through in my own time, but damn why does it have to affect my mobility? I was fine for a while, but now I'm sure not.
I know there's light at the end...but where is the end?