I lost my mother-in-law the day before my Grandma's funeral. My husband, children and I moved across the country a year prior for work. We bought her a plane ticket to visit us. After a ten day visit I took her to he airport the day before school started. The next morning as I was loading my kids ino the car for their first day of school and the phone rang. It was my mother's friend, telling me she died on the highway on her way home from the airport. "Dead on the highway.". She, also was in shock.. I'm struggling a year later. I skipped my grandmother's funeral so I could fly with my husband and support him. My husband was very close to his mother. His parents divorced when he was 13 and his sister was already in college. He and his mother were all each other had in the years following. He was so close to her. He is so stoic all day. He goes to work, provides for our family, and works on her estate every day. I see his pain as he works through the receipts from her business, she was a vet in private practice. Sometimes he just sits in his office and I don't know how to help him. He doesn't come to bed. I wake between 11 and 3 am and have to look for him. Sometimes he is asleep in his office, sometimes I have to look for him outside on the town path, sometimes I find him asleep in the bathtub. Always, when I wake him he is mean to me. He would never be mean before. It hurts so much because I know he is suffering and I don't know how to help him. He refuses counseling. I don't know what to do.

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Sep 29, 2012
by: Doreen U.K

I am sorry for your loss of mother-in-law and grandmother.
My Husband was the most placid Gentle man. Passive. Wouldn't hurt anyone. He got cancer March 28th 2009. He became angry, and aggressive to me. I used to leave the room and cry, and come back in and nurse him. His emotions were up and down. I just SILENTLY cared for him. I LOVED HIM MORE THAN LIFE. Steve said as I nursed him for over 3yrs. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT YOU." He was dependent on me for his care. EVERYTHING. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for him. I would have given my LIFE FOR HIM.
Don't be anxious. Your husband is trying to process his feelings. It takes a DEATH to trigger off other memories that invade and fracture us. Your husband is facing a crisis. Most men don't like the idea of counselling. It makes them feel a failure. Your husband may feel the same way. Just SILENTLY sit by Him. If talking irritates him. DON'T TALK. Just sit quietly. That SILENCE will speak a thousand words. It says. " I am still here. I won't leave you" "I can't cope with this loss." " I need some space." " I don't want to talk" etc. It is a very frustrating place to be when one doesn't know what to do at a time like this. When all else fails. Do nothing. Often we think we are doing the right thing and can antagonise the situation. The clues are there. You said your husband and his mother were all to each other at the age of 13yrs. He may feel he failed his mother or let her down. He won't want to talk about this. He may just want to process things in his own mind, in his time and way. Just your presence will disturb his thoughts. Some people find this irritating. Let him talk when he is ready to. If things don't improve. You could benefit from seeing a grief counsellor for support for yourself.

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