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Twice in one night

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

A last Kiss Good-bye ~

OK ~ this is what I call a MAJOR, MAJOR meltdown. I've already posted once tonight but I'm finding I can't stop, why I don't know but ~ after 10 months, just short of 11 months I've back slided into a deep dark hole, dropping me into the never ending pit of despair. What happened? I look at my steps
1. Move what was left of my home to Las Vegas to be with
family.
2. Sell Billy's truck
3. Transfer jobs
4. Move mother from California to Las Vegas
5. Have a major blow out with brother and move out into my own
apartment.
6. Finally get a 40 hour wk job with benefits and am money
secured.
7. Finally selling my car, Billy and mines car. The car that I
love because it was his and then mine.
I hate to say it again but, I've walked the walked, moved and talked the talk and I'm still falling and floundering in emotions, hate and despair. How can this be?
I know I'm not going to have "The Life" I wanted because Billy is gone but ~ good god ~ when does it stop????
The day's are filled with day to day stuff, working, shopping and being in my own place. I've shopped till I dropped yet I still feel no satisfaction with my new place. Don't get me wrong, the place looks great and I know Billy would have loved it. So what do I do? ~ I dragged my mother along with me on shopping expeditions to make the place looked the way I know Billy and I would loved it ~ but now its just me. The love is gone. Removed and forever waiting to be joined together in a another time and place.
This fall I'm having this time has been the worse and has taken me back to square 1. I see myself from in a different view now, not so devastating as I was in the beginning but a different me, bruised, battered and heartbroken but one step forward than I was in the beginning.
I now work 2 jobs. Funny, I've done this before. When I was first married many years ago and thought my life was over when we I was divorced. If only I knew what I know now.
The emotion and physical separation feels as if I've been ripped apart and its devastating. The long nights alone give way to memories that pull at my heart and bring tears every time.
I'm afraid if I move to far forward then I'll lose Billy. I know he's still with me in a sense but, hey everybody ~ I know, I know but still
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT !!!!!
I don't care who you are and what and where you came from ~ so hey, it may not be nice but ~ go away.
I know at times I sound childish and temperamental but honestly at times I really don't care.
It may not be nice, and I could be selfish regarding my missing heart but when you can walk in my shoes you'll have that right.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking through time... Never ending, never sleeping, never stopping.
Some day's I'm stronger, others not so. If I could just have one more kiss, a hug or just him yelling at me for whatever I would give the world. But it's not to be. Empty, lonely, wanting what something I can no longer have.
Good night sweet prince ~ until were together once more...
Always,
1 Step, 1 Breath at a time

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Twice in one night

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twice in one night
by: jules

Patricia - in your own words - the way we cope is what is important. We are allowed to have melt downs - no matter how long it has been - no matter how "together" we seem on the surface, deep down (sometimes not that deep) we are still in grief - we are still fragile under our shell, and where better to voice your insecurities than on this site, the place that has been there for you all this time - the place where people understand what you are going through, because we are all going through it too.

I am currently feeling a little bit angry, my daughter is in a bad marriage, she has four boys, she works five days a week, in childcare, badly paid - her husband is going through some kind of "woe is me" thing - is no help in the house, has no connection with his children or my daughter. This has been going on for quite some time, and I feel that the time has come for her to leave, there is no love in the marriage, she is only 40, and I can see every day how worn down she is - I am willing to support her if she leaves, but only she can do the leaving, she of course would take the boys with her - we can find a house to rent no problem. But I feel that I am just waiting - and I have things I want to do, but I don't want to desert her, in case she does leave, I would have to be here for her.

I just don't know what to do - I want to yell at her - I want to yell at him - but if I have a go at him, he will ban me from their house - and I can't have that.
Forgive me for hijacking your post, but it just all came out -
Please take care
every day - one step, one breath
jules

also
by: Jackie

Hi Patricia, I'm right there with you. My Loni has been gone for almost 6 months. I think of him every minute of every day. I feel your pain and your loss. The nights are the worst. The loneliness and the quiet are overwhelming. I take one breath, one step at a time like we all do. Try to do your best each day and try to enjoy your new place if you can. We are all here for you, we are all in this together. Please take care of yourself.

some days are crappy
by: Judy

Patricia,

It seems like you are having a really bad day today, and so you should just let it roll. This is where your grief is taking you and it's useless to fight it. I've said before that it takes some being selfish to get through the grief process and I truly believe that selfish and self-centeredness is needed to make us whole again.

You have done really remarkable things and made great strides. I have never seen if you have looked into a professional counselor but if you have not done so I hope you will. You're pretty hard on yourself and still pretty angry. A counselor can help you work through all this and understand it so you can begin to like the person you are now. You are a strong, resilient, capable, resourceful person. You can do this.

Meanwhile hang in there and know we're all here for you.

JM

Taking a break (down)
by: Anonymous

Patricia,

Hmmm apparently we both realized that grief does not dissipate/disappear once we have made a conscious effort to attempt happiness in some form.

Today I was painting the living room, the first room we painted together when we got married.

He would paint the main walls and I would be stuck with the edging. He told me that his brother Larry (who died last Oct) would make him do while they were in the painting business together.

One thought does tend to lead to another especially where memories and grief hide or collide. A simple thought hmmm he would be painting the walls while I...leads to looking for music his/mine to paint with. Further into memories I go down a path that I am trying to avoid. It just a paint job, not a trip down memory lane yet there it is.

I can not paint over the past it is still there all the red the memories that the best primer can not cover. He would know which Led Zeppelin album I was listening to their first? the one with the well, zeppelin on the cover.

We had our jobs to do that meshed together. He had knowledge that I did not and visa versa, We made each other whole and here I was trying to emotionally and physically do it all.

So... I had an unexpected total meltdown. I did not see it coming with the progress that I have made. Thinking that I was in control of my thoughts and happiness. That what I did was of my choosing. It had been a while since I felt that burn in your throat just before the tears come. Trying to blink them away, to think of something else to deter the thoughts and the melt down steadily approaching.

I could feel the utter lack of control the jitters coming, my mind sprawling in all directions. I thought why now? It's just a paint job?

Memories and mini-meltdowns can occur without warning as today a combination of memories adding up to a downward spiral back toward grief.

I do not welcome grief; I want some control of my emotions, of my life...But tomorrow is another day and another chance towards happiness...
HH

I have walked in your shoes
by: Julie

Patricia, forgive me, but did you post a couple days ago also that it was your 50th birthday? I just remember a photo of someone who had lost someone named Billy and it was their birthday too. Anyway, your comment about not caring and so forth...so normal. I feel the same way. Three years ago I lost my father in law to cancer. When we lost him, we also lost my husbands mother (his ex wife) and my own two parents over standing my husbands dad when he needed us. My child grows up without any grandparents. My heart aches so so much for losing him at the age of 52. Such a strong great man. Me, now 3 jobs later, going to "work" day in and day out "pretending" to be "normal" finally set up my very first grief counseling appointment for next week. I can't wait. I am sick of holding it all together.

He is always on my mind
by: Judith in California

Patricia, it's been 7 months and I feel the same way just after I thought I was ready to meet others to just socialize with I find I'm back to day one also because I want what I had, I want his face , his body not a new one So I gather my head and realize I'm not in any way ready for new beginnings because I'm in the past and will be for a long time.

The loneliness is awful and I know it's a choice deep down I have to make but I'm not ready to let go of what was and could have been.

So hang in there with me and we'll still get past this , 5 steps forward and two steps back until we keep going forward. We really have to live for ourselves and it's so hard when we lived for them.

I know the guilt factor plays a lot in this because we still think they can see us and feel our moving on without them and we step backwards.

Take care Patricia.

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