Twice in one night
A last Kiss Good-bye ~
OK ~ this is what I call a MAJOR, MAJOR meltdown. I've already posted once tonight but I'm finding I can't stop, why I don't know but ~ after 10 months, just short of 11 months I've back slided into a deep dark hole, dropping me into the never ending pit of despair. What happened? I look at my steps
1. Move what was left of my home to Las Vegas to be with
2. Sell Billy's truck
3. Transfer jobs
4. Move mother from California to Las Vegas
5. Have a major blow out with brother and move out into my own
6. Finally get a 40 hour wk job with benefits and am money
7. Finally selling my car, Billy and mines car. The car that I
love because it was his and then mine.
I hate to say it again but, I've walked the walked, moved and talked the talk and I'm still falling and floundering in emotions, hate and despair. How can this be?
I know I'm not going to have "The Life" I wanted because Billy is gone but ~ good god ~ when does it stop????
The day's are filled with day to day stuff, working, shopping and being in my own place. I've shopped till I dropped yet I still feel no satisfaction with my new place. Don't get me wrong, the place looks great and I know Billy would have loved it. So what do I do? ~ I dragged my mother along with me on shopping expeditions to make the place looked the way I know Billy and I would loved it ~ but now its just me. The love is gone. Removed and forever waiting to be joined together in a another time and place.
This fall I'm having this time has been the worse and has taken me back to square 1. I see myself from in a different view now, not so devastating as I was in the beginning but a different me, bruised, battered and heartbroken but one step forward than I was in the beginning.
I now work 2 jobs. Funny, I've done this before. When I was first married many years ago and thought my life was over when we I was divorced. If only I knew what I know now.
The emotion and physical separation feels as if I've been ripped apart and its devastating. The long nights alone give way to memories that pull at my heart and bring tears every time.
I'm afraid if I move to far forward then I'll lose Billy. I know he's still with me in a sense but, hey everybody ~ I know, I know but still
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT !!!!!
I don't care who you are and what and where you came from ~ so hey, it may not be nice but ~ go away.
I know at times I sound childish and temperamental but honestly at times I really don't care.
It may not be nice, and I could be selfish regarding my missing heart but when you can walk in my shoes you'll have that right.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking through time... Never ending, never sleeping, never stopping.
Some day's I'm stronger, others not so. If I could just have one more kiss, a hug or just him yelling at me for whatever I would give the world. But it's not to be. Empty, lonely, wanting what something I can no longer have.
Good night sweet prince ~ until were together once more...
1 Step, 1 Breath at a time