Two Giant Steps Back......

by TrishJ
(Chicago, IL)

It will be 5 months in a few days (December 3, 2010) that God decided to end Joe's suffering. I was already going over in my head what I would post to mark my 5 month journey. What a milestone.
I really was beginning to have more good days than bad. I could actually think of Joe with out that stabbing pain. I'm still crying every day abut the amount of time is getting shorter.
My mother became ill today, my sister and I had to take her to the ER. She is 85 and in end stage dementia. Her BP spiked and they are having a hard time getting it to stabilize.
As we followed the nurse to the room that she was assigned I noticed a women standing outside another exam room with tears streaming down her cheeks. I glanced into the room she was standing in front of and saw a very small body lying on the gurney. A man soon joined the woman and he also had uncontrollable tears. Then I ran head on to two uniformed nurses who I recognized immediately as being from a flight for life crew. Joe was helicoptered to a larger hospital the day he died. I thought I was going to pass out. I heard the helicopter overhead and actually felt my throat closing up. I started sobbing uncontrollably and I think everyone around me thought I was some mad lunatic.

My mom will be OK. They admitted her for a few days to get her BP under control. Why did this have to happen to me? It's like Joe's last day came crashing down on me again. Just when I thought I was making some progress. They wheeled the gurney to the helicopter and I wanted to run and grab both parents and tell them I was praying for their little boy. I pray to God that he makes it so they don't have to go through this terrible pain.
I know these situations are going to arise in my life ~ I'm just so disappointed that I reacted the way I did.

Comments for Two Giant Steps Back......

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May 04, 2011
Hello Trish
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband in Dec. of 2010, and there are times I lose it. Sometimes it seems the bad days outnumber the good ones. I cannot even force myself to go into the hospital where my husband spent so much of the last 2 yrs of his life. When the doctor came in and told him that there wasn't anymore that they could do for him and suggested hospice, a hospice agent came to his room and wanted him to go to the hospice home, but he said no and wanted to come home, I wasn't about to change his mind, as it was what he wanted, so he spent his final 3 days here at home. Sometimes I can't stand the idea that he passed on here at home and swear I hear noises that I shouldn't, but I'm trying so hard to deal with it. His younger son on his last visit here suggested that I do some changes on the house, and I've been doing some serious thinking on that to see if it helps. I still attend monthly meetings at heart to heart through hospice a grief counceling, which helps some. Focusing on where and how to begin anew is my weak point, I struggle terribly.
But I have faith in God that things will in time get better.
I hope your Mom gets better and God Bless you.

May 03, 2011
Thank You
by: TrishJ

Thank you all for such kind and supportive comments. Today the sun is shining (again)!

I love that ~ the grief cha cha. That's exactly what it is.

May 02, 2011
Don't be so Hard on Yourself
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

It's OK ~ I'm at 10 months and counting and I find myself listening to a song and each word stabs my heart with pain and longing.
It comes when you least expect it. Grief can only run it course, we can not always control that course and where it will lead us but the end result will always be the same. We loved, We lost and most desperately miss our loved one. It can just be a few words in a song ~ but those chosen words will bring me to tears. The tears come and they go ~ it's a life process we will endure.
So, Don't be so hard on yourself....
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

May 02, 2011
by: Shirley

I don't think you overreacted at was a perfectly normal reaction to a terrible situation. You just happen to be much more sensitive and empathetic than most people. Take a deep breath and continue one step forward. I cry all the time and it's been almost 9 months since my sweet son died. I have come to understand that this is my new life, my new reality....Hang in there....this too will pass.

May 02, 2011
two steps forward one step back (the grief cha cha)


So sorry to hear about your mom. Just being in a hospital must be in it self be traumatic. I know that for a long time I could not stand the sight of one. Even sirens set me off wailing & crying uncontrollably.

The thing is with grief there is always a memory waiting to be brought to our minds. We cannot turn off the bad memories as much as we would like to.

The other day I was walking down some steps and all of the sudden I recalled the steps I walked so often in the hospital they looked just like these steps that I now was using.

Later you will be able to stomach things that cause you a great deal of distress. Yes, you will still recognize it as upsetting but recovery time will be easier. Until then be proud of your progress but do not push grief or it will push right back.

May 02, 2011
hello dear Trish
by: jeana..UK

Hello Trish..Im so sorry about your loss, and also about your poor Mother..I hope she gets well soon!
Sweetheart, you sound like a lovely person, and very kind hearted...Please dont feel at all bad about your tears, its a human reaction, and quite understandable! Youre still grieving, and thats whats hard to cope with..
Please dont be hard on yourself, youre kind and feeling very fragile at the moment...Give yourself more time to get back to your Good days, as believe me, you will...We all have our own ways of dealing with grief, and my reaction, Im sure, would have been exactly the same..Be proud of yourself! and take comfort in knowing youre a kind & loving person, where no guilt belongs!
I too am grieving , and know my days can be in waves of good & bad days..I accept this now and go with the flow..Same with our tears Trish, just let them flow sweetheart...
I wish you better days ahead, and the strength to cope with your days..You will get Better..I promise...God Bless xx Jeana xx

May 02, 2011
Two steps back
by: Colleen

I have just passed the five month mark. I too have some good days. Do not be hard on yourself for having a breakdown, you had to watch a repeat of what happened to you that would rip anybody apart. If you need to cry do so, who cares what other people think you are entitled to breakdown when you emotions become too much. I have had breakdowns in shopping centers and I do not care who sees it.

Hugs from South Africa

May 02, 2011
Two giant steps back
by: M Mack


I had a similar incident last week, around the 9 month anniversary date of Ray's death. My 87 year old dad who lives with my sister and her family had a very hard time breathing. She called the ambulance then called me. We only live about a mile from each other so I arrived exactly at the same time as the ambulance. As I parked the car, the firetruck came then a police car. All of this happened for me, 9 months ago. The tears welled as I ran up the drive to their home. The scene was chaotic, as they ran back and forth from the house to the trucks with the gurney, front door left wide open. The neighbors on the front porch all quietly waiting for news of their home town WWII veteran. I relived that feeling of devastation, fear, loss in full color all over again. The difference here is my dad is near his time, Ray wasn't. Dad pulled through just fine with family and friends near how love him. Ray died alone with no one to help him, I wasn't there.

For days after that emergency, I regret and relived everything that happened the day Ray died, how I couldn't reach him and ran home. Why didn't I call someone when I realized something wasn't right? Why was I afraid to call 911 even if it was a false alarm? So what if it was jumping to conclusions and the cell phone was just broke!
All the woulda coulda, should ofs won't bring him back and I'm living day to day with.....if only I new how sick he was. Ahhhh the memories implanted forever remain and yes they take you back a step. Always my best to you and getting strength to move forward, one day at a time. We share alot of the same through our grief. You're not alone.

May 02, 2011
only a small step back...
by: Anonymous

Hi Trish,
I'm so sorry you had to face that situation and stir up all your early emotions.
I lost my husband in Dec 2010 also.
Grief is such a crazy ride. You never know when or what will set you back.
My dad was a firefighter. When he passed away, the funeral procession passed by the firehouse that he worked at, the men were standing at attention outside and the fire apparatus was moved out to the front of the firehouse for the pass by. It made the family so proud of his 40+ years of service.
I live a short distance from the firehouse and pass by it almost daily. One morning (2 years after his death) I was passing by the firehouse and the apparatus was out in front. Suddenly I started sobbing. A wave of grief,(the memory of dad's funeral, his illness and all that I had lost by losing him) just flooded over me.
Five months is not a long time when you compare it to the years you spent with your husband. The bad memories will rear their ugly head every once in a while, but the good memories from over the years far outweigh the bad ones. Be gentle on yourself.
Hugs and peace to you.

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