Two weeks ago...
2 weeks ago
Today is 2 weeks since my son died. I am not sure where I am in my grief. Today I am watching the clock for the time of his death. I have found comfort in knowing that I was truly blessed to have had him for the 20 years I had. I can not be selfish and say it wasn't enough. Most people would not say I am a lucky person but I see it different. I had a wonderful son and in the state of the world today for him to be the type of person that he was is amazing. I found in his wallet a fortune cookie paper that had to have been special to him to put it in there it say... "Don't persue happiness...create it" that sums him up to a tee. We get so busy looking for happiness and it is right there for us to create with what we already have. He continues to amaze me. I am blessed that I was even given him as a gift for the 20 years I had. How can I be selfish and say it wasn't enough? I could have not had him at all. There is no time that it wouldn't hurt unless I went first but that too is selfish. I could not leave him to feel what I now feel. I shake as I type this. I miss him greatly.But I just have to be so thankful for the gift I was given and not be selfish and want more. I have to trust that there is a reason and not let his life be all about his death. Two weeks ago he was killed in an accident at work. He got hit in the head by a piece of equipment that my father was operating. My father was the man in his life. His biological father left when he was 2 and never heard or seen of again. I do not question the accident. I know he was not alone. I know my dad did everything humanly possible to save him. I know he would have traded places with him in a heart beat. I do not have anger, I do not have the questions that alot of people have. I know things are out of our control sometimes and God knows what he is doing. I have to trust Him and just be thankful I had my son for the time I was allowed. I have to keep my son in my special place and continue to grow and live with him there. I have to help my dad get through this. I have to help his younger brother and sister get through this. I reflect back on his life and look at pictures and I can't find any of him not smiling, busy doing something. That boy has done more than me in his lifetime! I have to smile. I think of how he lived his life and I have to learn from him(kinda funny since I'm the mom)I found a picture of a homeless man on his tablet. He told me about him. My son loved to fish and made friends with a homeless vet he called "Henry the hobo" he took him sandwiches. My son would hold doors for people,he would pick up things for people when they dropped something, he made friends with a 90 year old man on the job site (who attended his funeral). He was a different sort of kid than what I see coming up in this world. If he was that amazing on Earth why wouldn't God need him in Heaven?