Two weeks before yesterday

My husband of 26 years passed away at home at 4 am Christmas morning.

I am walking through life like a robot.

We had some rough times together, financially, but pulled through and the last 3 1/2 years we had finally reached a comfortable life together.

We had much in common and always lots of things to talk about, although we also gave each other a lot of space to live our lives our way. It was perfect these last few years...we had finally arrived where we wanted to be and everything was so harmonious...

I have been avoiding people - I can't stand breaking into tears around others. And tears well up at the slightest thing, or for no reason at all. It is not at all my personality, I am a light hearted person who always has a joke and a smile....

I think I am going crazy, I have been talking to his picture and touching it... I can't even pick up his dirty socks...or touch anything of his except to clutch it and cry into it...

He was in the hospital and was given a month to live and he wanted to come home. They kept him for a week and finally let him go - we were both begging. One week after he came home he passed away. I was there with him, we were alone, and he went very peacefully.

I am keeping to myself and when I have to go shop I avoid any place where we are known. I eat and sleep, take care of the animals and even work on the computer, but I really can't remember what exactly I did the last two weeks. A friend told me I was talking to her at length and I don't even remember it. I am like living in a fog...

A year earlier he had several cancer operations, and after 5 weeks in the hospital was sent home with me while still in guarded condition. He went from not eating or walking and being literally skin and bones to being healthy as a horse within a couple of months, and we had a wonderful year until he started to complain of pain in December. And then it all happened very fast...

We were so happy, no trace of cancer until then, we thought we had made it. He was very active and we enjoyed each other more than ever after the big scare the year before.

And then it all came to a screeching halt and I have a hard time wrapping my head around it....

Comments for Two weeks before yesterday

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Feb 01, 2012
lost mine too
by: Anonymous

may i ask if he died in your marriage bed.mine did. and he comes to me at times in my new bed that we never shared. spoons me and tells me things. im not scared of him but, the bed shakes and i know he's there. he brought the dogs thru the other night. should i get rid of the bed he died in? im sooo lost. it's in the room where he died. from cancer (prostate) the cancer didn't kill him, it ws everything else, tests med and pain. and the pure fact that he did not want to be in the bed and living like that.

Jan 10, 2012
poem
by: Anonymous

Someone sent me this poem, and while it made me cry (just about anything makes me cry these days), it struck a cord with me and I went for a walk and sure could feel him out there.


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

This is much of what he would say to me. Perhaps I should think more of what he would tell me.

Jan 10, 2012
He gone?
by: paula

My Mate die on Nov 26 20011.it as shock i didn,t know he was going to die,He wouldn,t go to the hospial So i toke care of him, he kep getng worse ,he was a person that work all the time,,all time out side doing thing,s But i know he was sick, but didn,tknow how bad he really was, He got so his hip was hurting him,he stay in the livingroom sitting up sleepng,he couldn,t lay down and sleep,and his feet,s swell up,Big ,Italkhim into siting n the reclier chair to put i feets up, But that didn,t help.So he went to bed trying to sleep.I pray he could sleep some, he did some,his feets went down, he get up with help from cruches that we had, he get up for awhile and go back to bed,I realy thought he would get better,But he won,t.Everyone try to talk him into going to the Dr. but he wold not go.I was waiting on him ,trying t get him well,ever time he wanted something i go get it,if i didn,t have it i send and get it/I ask him every day are you feeling any better,He lookat me sometime he said a little,I lay with him and rub his back ,he like
that fall a sleep sometime,rubbing him,He got so that he won,t eat ,he sad it made him sick,I couldn,t cook,He said the smell made him sick to.so i quit cooking,He was living on water ,juices,pop,insure,any thing i could think of chicken soup,any thing.well he was living on water, I know he couldn,t live long like that.and he started talk funny,i know then he had to go to the hospial,so i try all day trying to get him to go;i ask him if he would let them come and check him ,and see if they could help him.They came two of them,and seen what shape he was in,they ask he if he would go and let them check him out he agree,so they take him to the hospial,Not expecking what i was about to hear,i couldnt believe it (He had stage 4 cancer) there was nothing they could do,what the Dr. said,and he had fluid on one lung, he wanted to drang it, that night ,if i know now what was going to happen i would never sigh for it to be done,because i didn,t get to said goodby or nothing,he was GONE,I couldn,t believe this, it was like a real bad dream,I had to wake up, if you never went thouth this you don,t know, what i talking about,I blame myself now i should left him alone, he wanted to die at home,he knew,but i try to save him,and fell,and now all i want is to be with him,

Jan 10, 2012
Your feeling
by: Erin

What you are feeling is not crazy. This just happened. It doesnt seem real, I know. Grieve in the way you want. I talk to pictures too! My little brother(36) suddenly died Christmas as well. It is like a fog. It just doesnt seem real. Dont hold in your tears. I think it helps to talk to people about your feelings. Just to get it out. Know that this isnt the end, its just a separation for awhile. One day you will be together again. Just don't feel like your feelings are not normal. Your pain is real. I pray each day gets a little easier on you and you will one day be able to enjoy life again. God bless you.

Jan 09, 2012
Please hold on
by: Laura

I understand how you are feeling. You are not going crazy. My husband of almost 13 years passed away suddenly. We were in the midst of dealing with financial problems and other life stress's. He was healthy and we were looking forward to the future together forever. And he left me tragically.

I carry his driver's license in my pocket. I tear up so many times throughout the day. I feel empty and have no idea how I am going to go back to work and do the normal things like going to the grocery store or cleaning the house. I'm currently staying with his family and am surrounded by love.

He and I live out of state and somehow I have to go back to normal life alone in another state. Not sure how to handle this.

I will say a prayer for you. Hold on. Our true loves would not want it any other way.

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