Two Weeks Till It's One Year and Im so so Sad !

by Jack
(NYC)

In two weeks it will be the one year anniversary of my partners death. I thought that by now things would feel a little better but if anything it all seems worse somehow! This time last year we were both so desperate! Hakan was trying with all his strength to hang on and I was doing my best knowing the end was coming but hoping there would be a miracle.
We spoke about everything and we made plans together. His concern was about me after he was gone. I moved home to NYC after 20 years in Sweden. I know its the right choice but many days I just feel like an alien from another planet!
Everything seems to make me so sad. Making a sandwich,The silverware,T.V., everything !!! So Ive almost made it through the year. Now what? Am I just suppose to feel better? I don't> I guess it's all moving along but a great saddness is always with me.
I pray for all of the people writing on this website. I pray that you all have some peace and that happy times come into your life again. Please pray for me too.
Jack

Comments for Two Weeks Till It's One Year and Im so so Sad !

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Mar 02, 2012
fighting melencholy
by:

Jack,

I am heading into my 3rd year without my Love. I also thought that the first year would some how solve grief, getting through all the firsts without him. The 2nd year anniversary was in Dec. and the days leading up to it were searing pain and memories that I had thought I had "gotten over".

I think that grief evolves, We do get better, we move on with our lives and try to find an independence in ourselves that we had forgotten about. We had become one with another and loosing them tears out who we were. We start over as though going through puberty.

I suppose that I thought there was a fix. Or that time would erase this longing for what can never be. I am thankful for the memories and the pain does lesson over time but never quite leaves.

We learn to live a new normal and finding out what that is is THE hardest part of grief.
The loneliness must be apparent to all around.
We smile fake our happiness until the days that it feels real.

I hate to be a downer, Grief changed who I am and it is hard to enjoy life to the fullest, But I will try each and every day. That is all that we can do. Finding the miracle the purpose and the happiness that we all deserve.


Feb 29, 2012
two weeks till its one year and Im so so sad
by: jules

The sadness doesn't go away easily - if at all. My husband died in November 2009 - the first year anniversary was very, very sad, but not as bad as I had thought it would be.
But the second year anniversary was horrific - I had almost a complete meltdown - but I got through it with the help of family and good friends. It was a bit of a turning point, I think that was when I fully realised that John was not coming back - he was gone for good, and I could just drift along, or live the life he would like me to live.
I chose to live my life to the best of my ability - and I am doing it -I have a good life, different to what I had - but I am enjoying it - I have lots of friends, good family, and do activities that I never did before.
Take heart - you too will carry on with your life - doesn't mean you forget or not love them and miss them, but the pain does get easier - just remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Feb 29, 2012
pain goes on
by: rayolife

It has been 3 1/2 years since I lost my son in a head-on collision with a non-licensed commercial truck driver, who was a repeat DWI offender!!!! The truck driver was only given 8 days in a local jail. There is still a dagger in my heart. I know exactly how you feel EVERYTHING reminds you of your loved one! Find another person who has lost a loved one to talk to, everybody else is tired of hearing about it from you. Do something positive in memory of your loved one. Sponsor a scholarship, adopt a highway to clean up. Support another cause like a church or community theatre, an art gallery, whatever would bring honor to your loved one's name. Read positive books, hundreds of them.... write your feelings in a journal. Try to remember the wonderful memories and the funny times you shared together. No one else can ever take their place! I just exist 24/7.. it's a life of torture. I still hurt and cry, it takes FOREVER to get over it, maybe NEVER. Blessings to you!

Feb 29, 2012
I'm sad too !
by: Luke (Australia)

Jack, I'm now just over 4 months since losing my partner of 20 years. I'm still devastated and lost. I seem to have accepted now he is never going to come back, that was one of the hardest things for me. Although I knew in my conscious mind he was gone, in my subconscious mind there was this feeling of he'll be back.
As with you and your partner, my partner was the same, his main concern up to his passing was for me. We talked about it together, he shared the grief that I was going to experience. I tried to assure him I would be OK, I didn't want him to be worried about me while he had such an awful outcome himself to cope with. He only had 8 weeks from diagnosis of untreatable cancer. He was strong and faced his death with incredible courage. Never complained and certainly didn't seek sympathy.
I've stopped crying everyday, but I still have days locked inside our house staring at his things and find the loneliness and sadness still unbearable on certain days. Friends will never know how much I really miss him and how much I desperately wish he was here with me still.
The happiness in my life was Nicholas. Without him I live with a constant feeling of sadness and loneliness deep inside me.
I have been doing alot of reading of "near death experiences" (not for everyone)which seems to give me comfort. My interest with NDE's started when Nicholas passed with me alone by his side. His last words to me were "oh, it's so nice" That got me thinking. It felt when he passed that he didn't die, but went somewhere nice. The room seemed to fill up with a feeling of peace and love as he passed. At this point I didn't even cry and I didn't feel sad. I felt happy for him, I try to hold on to that memory.
My thoughts are with you, I understand completely.

Feb 29, 2012
Hang in There
by: Sandra in Malverne

Jack,
It's been three months since I lost my husband. I read your post and it just filled me with so much sadness. Sometimes we just need to know that there is someone out there who understands the pain this loss has brought. Remember take a day at a time or a moment at a time if that's all you can do. We are all here for each other so come here and express the pain. I hope you can take comfort in the love you shared.

Feb 29, 2012
Overwhelming Sadness
by: TrishJ

Hi Jack~
Do I hear you loud and clear. For some reason (and I think I'm of above average intelligence) I thought that the on year anniversary of my husband's death was going to bring some much needed relief to this horrendous grief ride. I was so wrong. You're right. Some days it seems like it's getting worse.
Just when I feel like I'm making some progress something happens to set me back about 50 paces.
I think the reality of this lonely life is hitting us and we realize we don't like it. I wonder if anyone will ever "get" me like Joe did. I don't know. I miss him so much. I don't like this new life at all. I feel overwhelming fear most days of moving forward. I don't want to go out into that scary world of employment and come home to an empty apartment every night. When I used to have the worst days I always knew he was waiting for me and I could vent.
We have to hang in there. I do have some good days but I thought I would be further ahead by now. We all have to just keep on trying.
I hope you can find something to smile about today. We have to learn to appreciate the little things.
Peace to you Jack.

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