Two Women, Same Wife
My wife, and I, met by accident at her senior prom. May, 1959. We, after a tumultuous three year dating process, we married in 1962. We were together for 50 years, had four beautiful kids, and she died in April of this year.
As the title says, one wife, but two women. You see, although I've known for probably 45 of those 50 years, I now, with the aid of today's psychology, put a name to her activities. She was a sex addict. Addicted from the age of 6 or 8 to self satisfaction, and fantasizing. By the time I met her at 17, she was already a full fledged addict, and very good at the art.
I knew she was not sharing herself with me when we were dating. I didn't know why, and that caused many of the breakups we endured. But, the way I loved her, she could have done any thing, and I would have still "been there". She remarked many times that I would find someone better, and would leave her. I knew she had very little self-worth, but I never realized why. That one thing haunted our whole life. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy, but there was always that "wall" between us, some times only vaguely, other times like a concrete fortress. The fortress presented itself at those times when I challenged her behavior. There is where the "two women" came into clear view. She would clam up, and the look on her face would be like that concrete wall.
Now that she is gone, the whole sordid details are beginning to reveal themselves. And, that is what is making this healing process so very hard. I loved that woman with my whole heart, and wanted only that in return. But, that was not to be. And now, it's too late. Too late for any explanations, any sorry's anything. The one thing that our marriage lacked was intimacy. We got along greatly in almost all aspects of marriage. It is only now that I have begun to see just how subversive, and deceitful she could, and did, act.
Psychology addresses these issues in women today. But, 50 years ago, this issue was limited to men. Women just didn't "do that". That made it that much harder for all the women who did, to address the issue. They just thought they were abnormal, weird, or God knows what else. But, it surely wasn't talked about. That made secrecy the most important aspect. Then, there was the lying, the manipulation, the minimizing. If anything was found out, it was minimized to the limit.
And, yet, through it all, I grew more, and more in love with her. And, I still am. But, there is so much yo-yoing that I can't see the end of the tunnel. The introduction to this site talks about the ups, and downs, that this monumental loss in your life will bring on. That much, I can surely attest to. Things can be going well, and then, just a minute thing can cause a sudden onrush of tears that are just not controllable. One minute, you are cursing her for not "sharing" your life, and the next, you're apologizing for your outburst.
I hope that this story will be released for publication, because I seriously doubt that I am the only one hung up in this particular process. Thank you for the opportunity to present it.