Two years ago today

by Mari
(California)

My husband passed away Nov 22 2009. He had heart problems and diabetes and was terribly sick for a long time.
I woke up this morning and of course he was on my mind and a flood of memories came back.He passed away in his sleep and before falling asleep he said,''I love you so much.'' In the morning I could not wake him. It was terrible. I emailed my mother and told her I needed her and she was on the next plane. I will never forget the kindness of the local police. They made all calls for me and gave me comfort.All my children came and I had a lot of love and support.
Well, it has been a rough 2 years but God helped me.I got a different job and love it and even took classes in Fresno and worked too. I filled the house with new furniture and wondered how my husband would like the changes. I stayed busy but many times I would cry for the one who held me and would say,''You look beautiful, sweetheart.''
He was a wonderful grandpa and the kids still miss him.
I am doing a lot better then I thought. I simply put my trust in the Lord and kept going.
I have changed because I relied on him for everything but have discovered that I am stronger then I thought.I have to make all the decisions.My birthday was 2 days ago on Nov 20th and my husband loved that day.We would go have dinner somewhere.He was nice and he worked hard, providing my needs and even my grandchildren's needs should something come up.God is good and He helped me get through and I look forward to meeting my husband in heaven.I feel stronger now, able to cope and think of my my wonderful family, my 85 yr old mother always comforting. We have 5 generations going as little Aubree came along 10 months ago. How my husband would have adored that little girl. I am thankful that he was in my life.

Comments for Two years ago today

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Nov 30, 2011
Hi
by: Anonymous

My Husband has been from this life for 22months but without The Lord,He has kept me going as well
so It was soo nice to hear from You.AH

Nov 28, 2011
for Hope, M Mack, and Trish
by: Mari

God bless all of you. I have a question for you knowing you have gone through the same things I have. It is pretty strange but maybe it isn't. not sure.
I noticed this before, this feeling I get. I feel like I have been forced into another lifetime, a different one. have a different job, a different car,no one waiting for me. Even the house looks different due to my replacing almost everything.I feel different.I mostly work or visit with family. I feel weird with this strange new lifetime.I am still me but a different me.
Is that normal?
My husband was my life but I am adapting to this life because I have to.I feel rather detached at times.
There is no one to get home to or to wait for and no one to hug me when I get in.It is so hard to prepare a meal for one when I used to make sure my husband was well fed. We ate together or went out to eat.
I am happy at work with the ''guys'' and when with family. It is when I am alone driving my car with this feeling.
I hope I have made myself clear because it is hard to explain. Is that part of grieving? Please let me know. Love to all of you.

Nov 25, 2011
For Hope
by: Mari

Thank you Hope for your understanding. You, Trish and M Mack have been wonderful.
I am very thankful for having had someone like my husband in my life.He came a long at an awful time in my life and kept asking me to marry him until I said yes.My children loved him and when the grandchildren started coming he loved them too.He wanted me to have everything. He was generous.
We worked together here on the complex managing. Now I have taken over. I have a nice job too.
The job really helped me along the way with that wonderful Armenian lady. I care for 6 DD persons in a group home. I am treated with so much kindness by the whole family. I felt that it was God's way of helping me through the grief.
I am better but will always miss my husband.It is like an ache in my heart.
My prayers are with your son. It is hard to know the reason for delayed grief but you are dealing well with that as you have a kind sensitive heart. God bless you. Keep posting.

Nov 25, 2011
For M Mack
by: Mari

Thank you M for your birthday wishes. It was just a quiet birthday.I told the kids not to by me gifts as my children are my gifts. I just needed the day for reflection.
At any rate it has been a long road to travel, one that we are forced to travel. I do have a lot of faith because it has kept me going.
So much has changed in my life since I have to be totally in charge of my own life.It isn't fun.I am happy to be working and have so many grandchildren.My mother is a source of encouragement at age 85.You will do fine with the Lord's help. I realize we will never be quite the same. Life brings us changes and we have to go through whatever happens. Losses such as we have had are the most difficult. Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you. I feel that I have progressed and my prayer is for all on this board. The first year is the hardest. Thank you for your kind words.

Nov 24, 2011
for Trish
by: Mari

I understand Trish. I too miss my husbands hugs and knowing I will not see him again in this lifetime. I still look at his picture and say,''Did you really leave me or will you be coming in the door?''
Trish I feel that one year is not enough time to get through a loss like we have had. I pray that time will help you heal.
I am not sure I will ever be over it completely but I am better. This is not something we wanted to go through but were forced to.Being a widow isn't fun. I loved being married. We had our ups and downs but made it through.
The only way I could get through as well as I have is to keep the faith and work hard. I should be retired but but have 2 jobs. I always wonder how my husband would like the house the way I fixed it.At some point in time you will do better. Keep up the faith.
Thanksgiving was at my daughter's house and it was very nice. The kids make it nice too with their unconditional love. God bless and keep you.

Nov 23, 2011
One Year For Me
by: TrishJ

Mari~
It is so devastating to lose the man we loved so much. It's difficult to wake up each day knowing they are not there. We will never hear "I love you" again from them or feel their touch.
How fortunate we were to have a good man who loved us. I miss my husband more today then I ever have. It will be one year on December 3rd. I so very stupidly thought the one year anniversary would bring some relief but I was wrong. It seems to get worse every day.
I have a strong faith but for some reason that doesn't make me miss him any less. I know I will see him again some day but I want that to be right now.
God bless. We all have to struggle through this grief and do the best we can.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Nov 23, 2011
Two years for you
by: M mack

Mari,

Happy Belated Birthday! I commend your light hearted optimistic attitude to know we all gradually get to a better place. We need something to look forward to, family, grand kids, friends to be with. My spirit is there yet I'm still at the stages of holding back. Some days I can't let go of the memories not having my soulmate with me. You have done the right thing and went ahead even though it was on your own. Although we don't like the new life, I believe it was given to us like a test. In my case it's changed my outlook on everything. I realize how frail life is and how important it is to live life with courage and understanding. I developed more patience, and my sympathies are so genuine for all. I pray we can find our piece and not let the memories of our past love bring us down but lift our spirits this holiday season. I miss him with all my heart.....today is the day of the month I found him. So I'm doing my best to look grief in the eye and say, "I can do this!" Prayers for all as we step into our days ahead.

Nov 23, 2011
2 years Dec 6th 2011 for me
by:

Mari,

As I near the 2 year mark I understand how you are feeling. I still Love and Miss Paul perhaps that will always be there. This grief ride has been so very long and torturous. In the end Yes I am happy that I met him, that we had that kind of love that comes but once in a life time. I am not angry anymore. Grateful to have loved and been loved in return so passionately. The loneliness can eat away at me. Especially this time of the year as the holidays once again approach.

We have a new strength that we never had before. A way of looking at life that grief has forced. Knowing that each day is precious and not to be wasted. In a way that is the only gift of grief.
I am still here, for you with you riding this long grief ride. I do understand. I find myself sighing often, not sure of the cure.

My son is just now beginning his grief ride. He is 13 years old with Asperger's sydrome. Diagnosed 6 months after his father died. I do not know about delayed grief. But I must help him and relive my own grief to understand how he is feeling. Life is full of bumps on the way to the rainbow. But we can handle it we have survived the worst thing imaginable. Now it is time to experience the ups and downs of life. But this time tasting savoring each moment of joy and contentment we find.
Hope

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