Two years and I feel worse

It will be two years since the sudden death of my husband, my best friend and the father of my four children. It is not getting any easier. In fact, I feel worse than I have ever felt in this grief journey. Perhaps I have been in the stage of denial, especially since it was a sudden death. I don't know, all I know is that I am sad, so very sad and tired. Tired of the day in and day out of living a life that I do not want to be living. Does it ever get any easier? Will I ever accept this life and find peace? I pray for answers yet have found none.

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Mar 31, 2014
by: Anonymous

it makes me very sad to read all of you other peoples comments because it makes you realize that nothing but nothing will change this awful loneliness
of missing the person who was your world
family and friends try to help but how can they for more than a moment
it seems to me you just have to muddle along as you can
i try to hide how really sad i feel because other people do not want to have their lives spoiled
but the trouble is where ever i go there seems to be an awful lot of tall grey haired men with a walking stick to just catch your eye for a second

Mar 28, 2014
my lifes companion
by: diane

my husband Albert and I met when I was fifteen he was seventeen. We were together four years when we married. We were blessed with three wonderful daughters. We were best friends for the whole of the 50 years we were married doing everything together even running our various businesses. He was the most competent man and could literally do anything he stood 6ft 3ins tall and was my handsome superman. His heart started to fail in 2008 and he suffered terribly from severe arthritis. To see my wonderful strong man become weak and full of pain was terrible. He was literally housebound for the last eighteen months of his life and the medication took its toll and his bowel erupted and he had to suffer a colostomy. He never recovered from this surgery and was on life support for a month. I finally lost him in March 2012. The heartbreak is intense as we had such a full life together and all I want is to be with him and make this terrible suffering stop. I will love him forever and I truly believe time will never heal this grief.

Oct 12, 2013
by: Anonymous

reading other peoples comments make you realise hard as it is that all this heartbreak cannot be avoided
as i can see nothing is going to get better only more bearable
i can agree with the other peooles comments that when things break (as they seem to do more often)my husband was always there to fix everything
that is when despair hits you
going to families to dinner no one in that chair
but i feel also for his sake i must carry on
and that is what i am trying to do

Oct 11, 2013
2 yrs
by: Anonymous---MI

As I read the posts on this site I realize we are all on this road of grief, trying to move on to a better place than where we are now. But, while trying to move we are continually reminded that the life we once enjoyed is now gone. I find myself feeling so alone; so incomplete and while I was once a confident person I now have lost that too. My wonderful husband of 43 yrs died in Nov 2012 of SCA and coming home to an empty home, driving everywhere alone, feeling like an "extra", hearing others speak of their spouses and making my loss even more of a reality. I depended on my husband to fix the things I broke around the house, when something was too hard for me he came to my rescue and made my life so much easier. He was such a good man, wonderful dad and grandpa and the love of my life. I think of dying and joining him in heaven with gladness. Of course, that is in God's timing also. This is truly the worst roller coaster ride that I can ever imagine. I'm trying very hard to see the joys of life, to appreciate all that I have in my kids and grandkids and how they love me. But----still I am alone and this is how I will always be on this earth. My husband was the one and only love of my life and I will make my way with the help of God. I do pray for all on this site. We need all the prayers we can get.

Oct 11, 2013
two years and I feel worse
by: silver

My husband died 2 yrs and 4 months ago.There will always be days when you feel worse.This was the other half of you.My love made me complete.I miss him terribly.Like I have said before,there are split seconds when: I look up and expect to see him in his chair,first thing when I wake up and expect to feel him next to me in bed.These things are good memories but they hurt sometimes.I still cry sometimes.Tears run down my cheeks at odd times.This is so normal.I met a woman whose husband died 6 yrs ago.She said she is handling each day much better but she is just now starting to give away his clothes and things.I haven't done that and I felt better--not so crazy after all.When someone is so much a part of you it is hard to deal with the grief of losing them.At first I didn't understand why I couldn't have gone with him but then sanity set in and I realized I couldn't do that to my children.(My mother died 7 months after my father-you don't get to grieve before another rock is thrown at you)As hard as other deaths(2 grandchildren,my sister, mother, father,best friend)all of them together didn't hurt as bad as sending on my love ahead of me.It's probably the greatest pain of all.The good news is we will get better and more able to handle things.I don't cry as often or as hard.I am finally beginning to take better care of myself and my house.I try to go out at least once a week to clear my head for a short while.I think that's the something,anything,to give you a few minutes rest so you can cope again.GOD send you strength to go on and peace.I keep us all in my prayers.

Oct 10, 2013
thank you
by: Anonymous

thank you for your reply
just a few understanding words help a lot
it is so hard to put on the smiley face for others when your heart is breaking

Oct 09, 2013
So Desolate
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry that you are a struggling widow. Many people talk of their struggles and many talk about how they are coping better even if this is in the minority. Everyone tells their story and it has to be authentic (an honest account) of their experience. Don't read too much into how other people are feeling. Don't Compare yourself to another persons experience. We are all individuals and we all had different life experiences. No 2 grief's are ever the same but one thing we all have in common is that our PAIN is IDENTICAL in explanations. UNBEARABLE, like nothing I have ever known. The pain is so bad that I don't want to live. etc. Best thing to do is TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Try and NURTURE yourself by doing at least one good thing for yourself each day and build on this. You will be Healing yourself from your grief and it will raise your self-esteem. Another way forward is to change your FOCUS. If you FOCUS on a plan or anything that makes you feel better. Try and make it happen. Buy yourself flowers and put them in a vase and ADMIRE them. it will lift your spirits. Make a special Meal for yourself. Taking care of yourself in this way will help you go through your grief. Try anything that works for you. We are all individuals. This is just my method of helping myself through grief. Don't give into DESPAIR. Reverse any negative experience or feeling and change it into a positive one. You will get through your grief ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep focused on ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep a journal and write out all your hurt and painful feelings. Write in a dialogue to the person you lost as if you were talking to him/her. This is another way to heal from our grief. If you believe in God. Tell Him how you are feeling and ask Him to walk with you through your grief and to Hold you Up. Then Trust Him to do it. Change your despair in to HOPE. Hope that you will see your loved one's again. I wish you better days ahead. Write back if you need to. We are here for You.

Oct 09, 2013
so desolate
by: widow

on reading the other posts
it uggling
helps but also fills me with despair as people who have lost loved ones for much longer than me still are struggling
my husband of 60years died 6 months ago
and i cannot believe how dissolute and lonely i am
i try to be strong for my family but when i am alone it is unbearable
mornings are awful when it takes a few minutes before reality hits you
trouble is i cannot see an end to all of this

Oct 08, 2013
Still grieving
by: Lawrence

You indeed worry me, I was hoping after two years this overwhelming sadness and loneliness would have eased.
I am in the ninth month of my loss and struggle to cope without my beautiful wife, it’s very difficult, and anything can start the tears, just seeing a couple kissing or holding hands is all it takes and I can’t bear to watch a love scene on the T.V
I hate being a single man after having a loving and passionate marriage for sixty two years, we courted for eight years before that, to crown my agony my car insurance went up £45(about $70) because I am now classed as a single man and we drive more recklessly than married men.
I carefully explained that I am 84 years old and keep to the speed limit at all times but to no avail, how callus can you get, I expected sympathy but instead got a penalty. My wife must be laughing her head off.
You asked if it gets any easier and will you ever accept your loss?
This grief journey is something so horrible you really can’t imagine the intense pain and overwhelming agony until it happens.
We all lose our parents one day and we grieve but we expect that would happen because it’s the natural circle of life and although losing your partner is also normal the pain is so unbearable and heartbreaking that I truly believe you never really get over it, especially if you had a happy marriage..
Yesterday some stupid woman told me I could always marry again, my eyes filled with tears as I explained my wife was the first girl I ever kissed when I was fifteen and the last I kissed on her deathbed, the thought of holding another hand or kissing another person was impossible to imagine.
If you are looking for words of wisdom to help you get over your loss I’m afraid they don’t exist.
I am an author and have written thousands of words but there is no magic formula, you just have to sweat it out as we all do in this terrible grief club.
Take care and you are in all our thoughts.

Oct 08, 2013
Grieving husband
by: Marianne

I lost my husband of 45 yrs in 2012 from small cell lung cancer that went to his brain. We always talked about our deaths when we were younger but it was just talk and reality is so much different. Moving in and out of the different stages of grief over and over is tough. I think the hardest part is waking each morning and knowing that he is gone. Feels like a weird merry-go-round that you just want to get off. I try to remind myself to be grateful for the life I have but it is an ongoing struggle. Time is passing slowly and I'm trying to figure out where I fit in the world. I think grief stays with us forever, we just learn to adapt. I hate belonging to this club (widowhood) that no one wants to join!! Keeping busy is only one small thing that helps and if you want to break the rules we've had ingrained in our lives of staying healthy, go ahead and have cake for breakfast, sometimes just taking care of yourself might be as simple as that. Peace and friendship to you all.

Oct 07, 2013
two years--Pat J
by: Anonymous--MI

to Pat J--your comments are so correct---we have no choice but to try and go on with the life we have now been given. A different new strange and sad life for me without my beloved husband of 43 yrs. He died of SCA last Nov and the past (almost 11 months) have been so sad and brutal with raw grief that I can hardly believe this has happened. My faith in God is all that I have to keep me going. One day I will be with my dear husband again in heaven where there are no tears. I look forward to that day. God Be with all on this site and I pray that comfort will come to each of we who are suffering the loss of a dear love.

Oct 07, 2013
Two Years and I Feel Worse
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

We all have a special bond on this site. I am so grateful for it.
It is 27 months since the death of my husband of 46 years. I miss him just as much today as day one and feel I always will.
This is my "new life". It is not the life I would have planned for myself; none of us would. We are never prepared for death or can we ever imagine what it's like until we ourselves experience it.
My heart still aches for him, always will. My life is a new adventure. I do things I have never ever done before and tell him,"Honey we're doing this together, only you are physically gone, but spiritually will always be with me."
I feel also the longer they are gone the more we miss them. The emptiness; that's the only way I can explain it. A big part of me is missing. I do new things; are finding alot of new friends to do things with, but still feel so empty. I'd rather have my old life back and be the "Home Bodies" that we were. Being together; isn't that why we got married in the first place? Now we go on alone. We have to. WE REALLY DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
I don't know where my life is going; but I am taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.
My love and blessings to everyone on this site.

Oct 07, 2013
Two years
by: Anonymous

I did not lose my husband, but my dear father, suddenly, in January, to Sudden Cardiac Arrest. He and my mother would have been together 50 years on October 17. They had a beautiful marriage, and the grief and despair my mother is going through is heartbreaking. I come to this site not only for my own support, but to try and find strength for my mother. She is old, and is not computer savvy at all, and would never be able to navigate on this site easily. I wish she would, because I think she would find so much support here. She is an only child, as am I, so we really only have each other for the day-to-day support. I have a husband, and two children, but that doesnt seem to bring her much joy anymore either. I know how awful this has been for me, and I can only imagine what it is like to lose a spouse. I know she is waiting for the day when she can see him again, and I worry that she will simply give up so she can rejoin him. We both take great comfort knowing that he is now with Jesus, and is watching over us I am so sorry for your loss, please know that you are not alone. hope you all find strength to get through your individual losses-I pray for everybody on this site that is suffering. Peace, Barb

Oct 07, 2013
by: Doreen UK

Anonymous I am sorry for your loss of your husband 2 weeks ago. You will feel this raw grief for some time.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 17 months ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days with terminal cancer which is when my grief started. For the first 6 months I could do nothing but retire to the couch for that time where I NURTURED myself with TV and God TV. I only rose to put food in the oven. I then built a new garden with flowers all over and I bought as many for indoors. The garden is in honour of my husband with a corner for him. He loved roses so I built a rose garden. Flowers make me happy and cheer me up. When I feel down I look at my flowers and this puts a smile on my face. NURTURING one's self back from grief is so important. So also is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how you will get through grief. We can't alter what happened to us and who was taken from us and our world. It will take time to rebuild and restructure our lives again. We really don't want to do this Alone. But we have no choice. We were given this life and all that comes into it. The happiness and the sadness. The sadness will soon pass. I think of FREEDOM. I can do anything I want when I want to. And even if this be nothing. I have the Choice. I see this as a GIFT from my Loss. I see the little nuggets of Gold God has left for me. He took the best NUGGET of GOLD from me when he took my husband. But God took my husband on ahead of me and we will be reunited again one day. This is MY HOPE. I hope that in the days and months ahead you will find HOPE to go on living and a reason to LIVE AGAIN after loss. It will take time. Just do it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Best wishes.

Oct 07, 2013
Two years and I feel Worse.
by: Doreen UK

Pennie this is how I felt after losing my husband of 44yrs. I don't want to go on? When you say you are nothing and have nothing. Is not strictly true. This is what grief makes you feel. You are somebody separate and unique. Your life is not defined by who your husband was. You define who you are by what you put into your life from now on. I remember those days when I faced depression and didn't want to live. I couldn't help myself or change how I felt. Then in my 40's whilst bringing up 3 children and running a home when my husband was working all over the world. I FELT ALONE. I took myself off into counselling. Resolved my losses and depression. My depression has never returned. I became a stronger more integrated person and believe this contributed to me coping better with grief. I still have upsetting days and miss my husband terribly. But I can't dwell on what I can't have now. I have my FREEDOM I discovered as a gift left for me from my loss. I can conquer the world if I want with this gift. It is up to me. I know how you feel. I have been there. I never want to go back. I remember how I felt when I did voluntary work for 8yrs. I want that same feeling back again. First thing to do is NURTURE yourself. Do as many good things for yourself and build on it. You will start feeling better about yourself and your world will change when you start putting new things in your life each day. Buy some flowers for yourself. Put them in a VASE and admire them. Build your world this way. FOCUS on something that gives you pleasure. If you don't know then have a starting point and build on this. You will feel better about yourself and attract new people into your life and your world will become happier. Don't waste another day feeling the way you do. START NOW. Best wishes.

Oct 07, 2013
Two years and I feel worse
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 17 months ago to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. My grief started at diagnosis in 2009. so I was in grief for 3yrs.39days of his cancer battle before he died, plus the 17 months of grief since he died. I was so busy planning the funeral, registering the death which was held up for 20 days due to an inquest due to death by Industrial disease. Then I tied up all the paperwork e.g. closing bank accounts, pensions, phone contracts etc. Then I took to the couch for 6 months unable to do anything due to pain in my body. I only rose to put food in the oven. I did the usual light duties and then went back to the couch and bathed my sorrows with TV. This was my way of NURTURING myself back from grief, plus only taking life ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I got through the last 17 months. I was in denial in the beginning and numb. But I think this was God's way of giving me my grief in small doses so it was more manageable. We don't feel grief all at once. This happens in stages. There are days I feel my grief worse, as more memories come in and I mentally see certain images of my husband. I don't make this happen. It comes automatically. But I also get days when I feel O.K. and can manage life. I guess it is going to be this way for some time. I think we regress and move forward from grief in stages and this is the nature of grief. When we shed tears we heal after each session of crying. Depending on the bond of relationship and years of marriage is a gauge of the depth of our grief. Just like everything in life. It comes and it goes. The good times come and go and the bad times come and they go and this becomes the cycle of LIFE. When we are going through our grief it does feel as if it will last forever and we do feel we can't go on in life. The secret is FOCUS. I found this worked for me. I changed my FOCUS, from my circumstances. I started putting new things in my life and did something good for myself each day and built on this. I feel better. I still have some bad grief days. But I let them PASS without dwelling too much on my feelings or wanting my old life back, because that won't happen. I face the REALITY of what is before me and not the past. You have 4 children and this is enough REALITY and REASON to go on living and planning a better day. We are responsible now for restructuring our life. Do this with processing a gift we all have from our grief. FREEDOM. We can plan and do anything we want to do. WE can eat and sleep and have a vacation and plan an exciting life. I know I will see my husband again according to Jesus Promise to come back for us, so I said to my husband. "SEE YOU IN THE MORNING." This is my FOCUS, and my HOPE. You will get your life back and be happy again in a new way just do it ONE DAY AT A TIME!.

Oct 06, 2013
Two years and I feel worse
by: Pennie

I'm right there with you.It's been almost one year since my husband died and went to heaven and I know he is there, but it's still so hard to be without him.I have comtemplated suicide; I just want to be with him.I am broken beyond belief and so lonely.The friends that I thought would be there for me, chose not to be.I am just heart broken.I am alone and no one to talk to or do things with. I don't know how to go on without him and honestly I don't want to. He was the love of my life; so caring and kind.I have nothing and am nothing without him.It is getting harder for me also.What do we do? I don't know

Oct 06, 2013
two yrs--
by: Anonymous--MI

As I read the posts from widows I'm reminded that my dear wonderful husband who died 10 months ago of SCA, was a blessing to me. We were married for 43 yrs and shared a great love. I want this misery and sorrow and grief to be done but 43 yrs of living with my husband and best friend was a good long time. I, of course, wish it had been many more yrs. But, given that we were a team for many yrs tells me that this sudden grief cannot go away quickly. I must pay my dues for enjoying such happiness which brought 2 great children and 4 great grandkids. I don't want to do this; I don't want to suffer but it is the way life is for some of us. We have been given a great burden to carry. Only God can help us and I wish peace and comfort for all of we who are in sad times.

Oct 06, 2013
Two Years
by: Judith in California

Peace will come when you accept that God has him and is continuing to care for him. Peace will come when you realize that being sad is normal for a while. Two years is still a short time. You will find peace when you look into your childrens faces and see your husband in them. Peace will come when you accept that he would not want you to be sad every day. He would want you to live and find joy in your children and be there for them until God calls you home too.

It's been three years for me and as I move through this world daily the grief corner will always be there, the sadness that comes from the void in my heart will always be there.Through all of this I still know I am blessed to have had him for 35 1/2 years and God continues to bless me daily with vision, hearing, body movement and the ability to think and speak. He blesses me with my son, my sisters and my friends, My journey's purpose is to learn to manuver as gracefully as I can. Ask God to tell my love I love him still and that I hope he is happy with the way I am living now.

May you find peace and acceptance .

Oct 06, 2013
Just keep on living each day
by: veteran widow

I am now at 3 years eleven months since I lost my beloved.

I believe it takes at least three years to heal up from this awful loss. At two years I was still unhappy, confused by what life was and and not sure what I was going to do. Even worse only other widows had the slightest clue about these feelings and was sympathetic toward me. I actually got a reprimand at work in which I was told that I needed to cheer up and that my missing my husband was no excuse for my not appearing enthusiastic and interest in my work.

I.n this last, third year without him, I have come to terms with facing the world alone and doing it as a single woman. I didn't do anything to have this happen...time did it. This is a hard job in an increasingly hard world. you will get there.

Oct 06, 2013
by: Anonymous

i read your blog and thought oh no, please dont tell me it still raw and hurts 2 years down the track. I lost my husband 2 weeks ago - he was 48 fit and healthy and had heart attack. he had no idea he was that sick. Im still grieving and want to be with him now, but know we have 3 beautiful children and 4 grandchildren and i couldnt give them the heart break of loosing 2 parents so suddenly. Im quite happy to talk to you this way so we can both help each other.

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