Unable to save my husband

by Reesa Moore
(Franklin, Virginia)

David and Cailynn at her dance recital

David and Cailynn at her dance recital

August 30, 2011, will forever be a day that I will never forget. Around 6:15 a.m. I heard my husband, David, in the bathroom getting sick. I laid there for a moment thinking to myself that he had a stomach bug and that he had better not share it with me or the girls. David began to vomiting violently and I knew at that moment that somethings was not right. As I was walking into the bathroom, David fell to the floor, sweating profusely and unable to get his bearings. I told him to stay still but he attempted to crawl out of the bathroom. I again told him to stay still, told him that I loved him and to remain still. I called 911, gave them the information and went back to be with David. When I went in, David was not breathing and had not pulse. I began performing CPR on my husband. I am a CPR instructor and in my occupation, I am responsible for teaching others CPR and First Aid.

EMS finally arrived and took over working on David. They used the AED twice on David in the house and after reading the screen, I knew that David was dying. I met the squad at the ER and was only at the hospital for approximately 5 minutes when the nurse came back to get me. From the look on her face, I knew what she, the doctor, needed me to do. I had to go back to the room where they were working on David and give them permission to stop CPR. At 6:54 a.m. David was pronounced dead.

I then had to come home and tell our 15 year old that we have custody of and our 4 year old daughter that their daddy just died.

The cause of David's death was listed as uncontrolled diabetes. David was a diabetic and took his medicine for a year and after his brother was diagnosed with a kidney disease and David's doctor wanted to test him for that, he stopped taking his medicine. When David's blood sugar was taken while we were working on him, it was over 550.

The Thursday before David died, he and I had a disagreement about him not going to the doctor or taking his medicine and that this stuff could kill him and that the children would not have a dad. He again said that he wasn't going. So I said to him, my husband, the man that I love and am suppose to stick by, I said to him "fine then, do what you want to do. I quit. Just go ahead and die then." I will never forget those words that came from my mouth.

David was 45 years old and 8 days shy of 46. He has left me to raise two children and I did not sign up to be a single parent. I am a CPR instructor and I could not save him. I have not had time to mourn the loss of my husband because I have two girls that need me. If not for them, I would crawl up in a ball and not exist. I don't want to celebrate the holidays and am angry with them that I have to. I am so empty and lonely and can't sleep or eat. I have lost approximately 35 pounds in the past 6 weeks. I just don't want to function, not at all. David was 45 and he wasn't suppose to die until we were old and our children had children.

Comments for Unable to save my husband

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 16, 2011
Response to Kacee
by: Reesa

Kacee,

I'm not sure that I have totally forgiven myself for my petty feelings the night before my husband died. I am my own worse enemy. What I have done in an attempt to work through this is attend therapy and talk, talk, talk. I have shared openly and honestly with a friend and with my husband's brother and his wife. I have been honest with myself and with those 3 individuals. AND, I keep reminding myself that my husband died knowing that I loved him. Some days, to be honest, this positive self-talk doesn't help me and it is during those times that I break the day down and take it minute by minute. If you want to chat some Kacee, please feel free to e-mail me at reesa.moore@uhsinc.com

Nov 14, 2011
same for me
by: Kacee

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! I too, just lost my husband very suddenly and we had words before he passed that same evening. Though when I went to bed we kind of made amends. I am feeling tremendous remorse and sadness and regret for what I said to him. I just lost him last week. 1 week ago today. I know that he knew that I loved him. I am looking for some advice as to how you have reconciled this w/ yourself. I am praying for you and I dont want anyone else to go through what I am feeling.

Oct 19, 2011
your loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of twenty years died suddenly of cardiac arrest and couldn't be save. He was 65. He hadn't been ill and developed a staph infection when left untreated went through his body. His heart just stopped in minutes. That was April 23. Like you, I am struggling with the holidays approaching and don't want to celebrate. I also want to crawl into a ball and not exist. I keep reading how people make it through and wonder how they do it. My only advice is to keep talking to others. I will keep you in my prayers as I truly know how you are feeling at this moment.

Oct 19, 2011
look forward
by: marky pars s/ wales

how are you doing ,or how we would say in wales how are you feeling in yourself.
listen my sweetheart live has really knocked you for six you dont need god squad sympathy you need to take the bull by the horns and say im going to get through this
im here at parsons777@talk talk.net iff you need me
dont be nice kick ass hun

Oct 19, 2011
When God wants them we Can Not Save Them
by: Judith in California

Reesa, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do but you will come through it. SO let your children see you grieve for your loss. They will probably want to grieve with you. It's normal and you should not hold off for their sake for they have to learn that death is a part of life unfortunately and you will find the words to help them as well.

We all wanted to save them from death and cared for them and pleaded with them But in the end God wins and he knows best. Maybe he saved him and you from a lot more suffering down the road.

Just keep reading from this site on lost spouse and Loves and you will see how we each are dealing with our losses and you will become stronger.

God be with you and your family during this most difficult time and know we are here for you as well.

Oct 19, 2011
life goes on and on and on how can it be?
by:

Reesa,

You post brings back memories and feelings that I recall but thankfully no longer feel with such acid felt memories. My Love was also 45 when he died. It does seem unfair looking at all the couples holding hands, looking at each other with the love that we should still have. And I remember feeling cheated that we were not to grow old together.

Thankfully with time I can now look at other couples and it does smart, but I can also smile, being thankful that I had that kind of Love once.
Keep coming here it is the salve that heals our grieving hearts.
HH

Oct 19, 2011
You're not alone..
by: Vickie

Hello, I just logged onto this site a couple days ago and was only on for a couple min's. I decided this evening to just log one more time. Your story came up and I felt the need to leave a comment. First of all I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I lost my youngest daughter two yr's ago and she was 26. She was killed in a car accident. I wish I had the words to help you through the 'Hell' you are going through. Losing my child is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. It has been two yr's and one mo. today that she died. I Never thought I would make it even one week, one month after her death. I told myself to take it hour by hour and if that was to hard, then minute by minute. I can understand 'why' you feel so awful about what you said to your husband prior to his death. You can't blame yourself. Men are stubborn and you didn't say anything that any wife probably wouldn't have said also. It was just a terrible tragedy and after you lose someone that you love so much, your mind goes over those last days- especially that you spent with them. The could of's-should of's-you can't. I was suppose to meet my daughter and her little girl(granddaughter)the morning of the day she died-I didn't. We decided to wait til the nxt. day- Sat. unfortunately I never got that chance. I know that my daughter knew I loved her. I am sure that your Husband knew how much you loved him. Otherwise why would you have gotten so aggravated with him? Just try and hold onto the love you had and he will Always be with you and your children. A loss this great never goes away but you will find as the days go by, the pain will soften. Feeling angry about the holidays is totally normal I feel. It may not feel like it, but your children needing you now-will be what helps you keep going on the hardest and darkest of days. Again I am so sorry.

Vickie

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!