I feel as though my pain wells up in my chest and I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs. But I hardly even cry. I am hiding my grief and I am getting tired of it. I keep asking myself why I dont allow myself to feel all of this...why dont I show my pain? I think there are alot of reasons...I am ashamed to cry infront of others. I don't want to be vulnerable. My family depends on me and I am afraid of their reaction to my grief. They may be frightened or they may even be insensitive. Either way... I don't want to see that.
I was an arguementative daughter. I challenged my mother almost everytime I spoke to her. I fought her often on serious and not so serious issues. I did not show her enought that I loved her dearly. And because of all this regret, I don't feel that I deserve to grief my mother. How can I pay respect to her in death when I should have given more respect while she was with me?
I feel as though I am undeserving of going through all of this. I should have been stronger.