Underserving

by lil
(los angeles)

I feel as though my pain wells up in my chest and I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs. But I hardly even cry. I am hiding my grief and I am getting tired of it. I keep asking myself why I dont allow myself to feel all of this...why dont I show my pain? I think there are alot of reasons...I am ashamed to cry infront of others. I don't want to be vulnerable. My family depends on me and I am afraid of their reaction to my grief. They may be frightened or they may even be insensitive. Either way... I don't want to see that.
I was an arguementative daughter. I challenged my mother almost everytime I spoke to her. I fought her often on serious and not so serious issues. I did not show her enought that I loved her dearly. And because of all this regret, I don't feel that I deserve to grief my mother. How can I pay respect to her in death when I should have given more respect while she was with me?
I feel as though I am undeserving of going through all of this. I should have been stronger.

Comments for Underserving

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Jun 04, 2012
Love is forever
by: Lue, Jacob's mom

Dear Lil, Yes you are deserving. You may have had arguments with your mom, but she loved you and you loved her and still do. Love is forever. It doesn't go away when someone passes away. Isn't it still there in your heart? Well it is in her's as well. Now you are regretful that you had arguments but a close mother and daughter argue. You know our parents are always trying to teach and we are always trying to gain independence. Don't feel pressure from yourself or anyone else to do anything about your grief. Take it one day at a time. Forgive yourself though, because when she went to heaven she found peace and love. I bet she is looking down on you in total love. All the ugly feelings are washed away. Give yourself permission to feel anyway you need to even if you are more comfortable doing it in private.

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